Lights go up to show NICK, on all fours, with a hammer in one hand. He has an ear pressed to the floor and appears to be listening intently. He lifts his head and gently taps the hammer on the floor before replacing an ear. Then, he slowly shuffles a few feet away and repeats the process. This continues for some time.
NICK:
Come on...
He taps the floor again and listens.
Gotcha. (To Offstage) Angie! Can you come here a sec?
ANGELA:
(Offstage) I’m busy!
NICK:
(To Offstage) No seriously, I need your help.
ANGELA:
(Offstage) What is it?
NICK:
(To Offstage) Just come here for christ sake.
He taps the floor again and listens.
Shit.
He quickly shuffles forward a few feet and taps the floor again.
(To Offstage) And bring a net!
Enter ANGELA.
ANGELA:
What do you want?
NICK:
Don’t come any closer!
ANGELA:
What? What is it? Is there something dead in here?
NICK:
Did you bring the net?
ANGELA:
What net?
NICK:
Go and get a net.
ANGELA:
What fucking net!?
NICK:
Any net.
ANGELA:
You’re gonna have to be more specific.
NICK:
Umm... the ones we used to rock-pool with. Mum must have kept them.
ANGELA:
And where will they be?
NICK:
Check the attic.
ANGELA:
I was just there.
NICK:
Back you go then.
ANGELA:
Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.
Pause.
NICK:
I’m shepherding the rats.
ANGELA:
Gross. Fucking gross, Nick.
Exit ANGELA.
NICK:
(To Offstage) Angie!
There is no response.
Damn it.
He continues tapping the floor and listening in. His shuffling gradually takes him towards Stage Right.
Enter ANGELA. She is holding a net.
ANGELA:
You were right. She kept them.
NICK:
Awesome. I need you over on that far wall.
ANGELA:
Nick, you’re freaking me out.
NICK:
Please, go over to the wall, very quietly. Quiet as a mouse.
He giggles.
ANGELA:
Why don’t you come upstairs and help me sort through some photo albums?
NICK:
What, so we can have a nice cathartic sob over Cyprus ’03? Wank each other off to all the wonderful memories?
ANGELA:
You’re sick.
NICK:
I’ve got better things to do.
He taps the floor and puts his ear to it.
They’re slippery little buggers.
He shuffles closer to Stage Right.
ANGELA:
What’s the plan then? Round them up and bash their skulls in? Is that why you got the hammer? Grow up, Nick.
NICK:
Why would I want to kill mum’s rats?
ANGELA:
Mum’s rats?
NICK:
Sure. Mum’s house. Mum’s attic. Mum’s chintzy teapots and god awful romance novels. Mum’s stench of smokes. Mum’s floorboards. Mum’s. Fucking. Rats.
Pause.
ANGELA:
Look, nobody said this was going to be easy. We should take a walk, go and clear our heads.
NICK:
It’s very simple, Angie. You might be happy moving all this orphaned shit into your house, but I’m not interested. Anything that I take back, I at least want it to put up a decent fight.
ANGELA:
You think that’s why we’re here? To collect trophies?
NICK:
Souvenirs. Mementos. Worthless crap our great grandkids will cling to for the sake of heritage. I’m not buying into that.
ANGELA:
So you’re going to catch a feral rat instead?
NICK:
And tame it. Maybe even teach it tricks.
ANGELA:
This is stupid.
NICK:
I didn’t ask for your opinion.
He taps the floor and puts his ear to it, then shuffles slightly closer to Stage Right.
Are you going to help or not?
ANGELA:
I’d rather not.
NICK:
Get lost then. You’re distracting me.
Pause.
ANGELA:
What do you need me to do?
NICK:
See that gap in the wall over there?
ANGELA:
Yup.
NICK:
Go and stand next to it.
Angela begins to cross the stage.
Quietly!
She tiptoes.
ANGELA:
This isn’t going to work.
NICK:
Sure it is. They’re practically domesticated.
ANGELA:
They’re not stupid.
NICK:
I’m willing to bet they are.
ANGELA:
How much?
NICK:
What?
ANGELA:
How much are you willing to bet that anything comes out this hole?
NICK:
Twenty quid?
ANGELA:
Alright. I’m game.
She stretches a little, then lowers the head of the net above the hole. Nick taps the floor very gently and listens hard.
NICK:
They’re in position. Are you ready?
ANGELA:
Ready.
NICK:
Ok, I’m gonna make a real racket and flush ‘em out. All you have to do is bring that net down. Quick as possible. Soon as you see anything.
Angela nods.
Do you want to practice a few times first?
She makes some dropping motions with the net.
Nice action.
ANGELA:
Thanks.
NICK:
Now, for real this time.
He raises the hammer above his head. Angela inhales sharply.
By the way.
He lowers the hammer.
Could you try and get a big one? I want something really nasty looking. With yellow teeth.
ANGELA:
Nick, for fuck’s sake please let’s just-
He bangs the hammer on the floor four times.
Blackout on the fourth strike.
I mentioned I used to write scenes such as this for my friend's theatre company.
Well, this is one of the few we actually got around to staging!
No pictures, unfortunately, but I can guarantee a lot of fun was had by all...
