At first, I thought this would be easy. One day, two days, one week, yes, at most one week. In one week, I will pass this phase. The phase that I call a frustrating decline in spirit. However, I have convinced myself that this phase will be very easy to pass, as easy as jumping off a half-meter-high fence. However, it turned out to be beyond expectations. I was actually trapped in the "frustration decline in spirit" as I mentioned earlier.
I actually fell. Further and further in. I was trapped there, in a dark cave, as if my feet were being crushed by two large rocks so that I could not move. Not even a little. I felt chained. By despair. My despair has turned into a Zombie. Zombies that chase me with unsteady steps that look lazy, but are full of hunger and appetite that are both ridiculous and destructive. I am a prey to my own despair. Alone.
"Are you going to continue like this?"
It was a question from an old friend, exactly the same as what was in my head. Just like when I urged myself to change. Yes, of course, those were all questions and statements that I would always hear seriously, but unfortunately, they always had to end in neglect. By me. I ignored all of that. Just like when I tried to ignore the thousands of zombies that were eating away at my mind.
"I'll try. I know this isn't true," I said.
I threw that answer to every question that always came to me. Both from friends and from myself. All of that was once again trapped in a spiral of despair.
I don't know. As the days went by, everything felt empty. I often went up to the top floor of the apartment where I lived, seeing the disgusting atmosphere of the small town from up there. A stretch is full of small dots of light. Actually, I saw it as a city bathed in the light of hope. People who walked around at night in a crowded center were the breath that wanted to live today and tomorrow. However, when the story comes back to me as a reflection, it will return to the darkness of despair.
I immediately went down the stairs, one by one. With unsteady steps, like a zombie. A creature that has no hope of life other than hunger. I felt squeezed by two walls that flanked the stairs. Like going through a dark corridor of life, and seeing all the futility of contemplation there. In the dark.
I headed to the basketball court. There was no one there. It felt very quiet. I even hoped to see a ghost. Sitting on one of the swings. Moving the swing like the wind. Or, a monster from the movie Stranger Things, lowering tentacles made of rolls of storm and darkness and revenge down from the gaps in the cloudy and lightning sky. But, of course, all that nonsense will never happen.
Suddenly my jacket pocket vibrated. A friend greeted me over the phone.
"How are you?" he asked.
I was actually too lazy to answer that small talk. But, okay. I still tried to be the one to be friendly to others. After all, we hadn't spoken in a while.
"Oh, hi... Sure. I'm fine," I replied. I shook my head and belittled the question in my mind.
He didn't answer. My friend was silent.
Me too.
"... Um, how about you?" I felt the need to lighten the mood.
"Okay...," my friend said. He also wanted to take our conversation to a different level.
"Would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee with me?" he asked.
I paused for a moment. His offer was too quick. I knew that I had no job right now, and was just trying to spend the last of my savings in the corner of my computer keyboard by playing games. But, I didn't feel ready.
"So?"
His question sounded a little urgent.
"Just a cup of coffee. Nothing to worry about," my friend said.
I paused for a moment. Several young people began to gather on the basketball court.
A few days later, I was in a coffee shop. As promised. I waited for my friend to come. And he did come, with a fancy dress and a smile that looked evil but also full of familiarity. It felt like a very long time ago. He smiled at me with a paper that was pushed to the table slowly and with full intention behind it.
"We are looking for an enthusiastic journalist. Are you the one?" the letterhead read.
I looked at my friend.
"Don't look at me with such a frown, Nagant," he winked.
"Take it. You are destined for this job. This is the best and most critical news agency in town. Apply, buddy!" he said.
I thought for a moment and reflected. Inside, in my heart, I really wanted a job that could pump up adrenaline like this one. Lately, I have felt strange and as if I have no purpose in life.
"Take it. You have to get out of all the slumps. I know how you feel right now, but, you have to stay alive. Journalism is your breath. You have to come back!" my friend said firmly.
I stared blankly at the paper on my desk, then took a sip of the coffee that had just been delivered. And, that's how it all began. Just like that, it made me feel like I had risen from the dead (I just realized that I was the zombie. However, now I have risen from the dead as a zombie because I have found an antivirus).
