There was a time in my life when I had a few good habits and used to maintain them every day. For example, when I was in Ukraine, I used to go out for a walk every day by myself. I was able to build this habit during Covid 19 time. Besides the area I used to live in was a pretty nice and big neighborhood with a lot of empty spaces and parks. So every day I used to go out to take a long walk by myself, sometimes I used to grab a cup of coffee and sit in the park. After coming to the Netherlands, that habit is almost lost. First of all the location and second, the area I live in is very busy always. I go out with Gigi (my dog) for a walk almost 2-3 times but that is just because of the responsibility towards my dog. I don't enjoy my own time or solitude moment. My psychiatrist and psychologist suggested many times to go out to have some alone time, I did that quite a few times, and then I stopped. I don't know why but perhaps the reason could be the bad experiences that I have encountered living here.
More or less, in time I kinda changed all of my good habits and kinda kept myself in an invisible confined wall. Well, not exactly invisible, I keep myself locked in my room. I created this attitude willingly but I why I created it, but I couldn't figure that out.
Saturday morning, foggy fall weather. Like usual I went out with my dog so that she could have some time outside and can run a little bit here and there. I am kinda lost interest in focusing on her training and my dog took advantage and does what she wants to do. Basically, I don't care and sometimes I get annoyed when she starts pulling me hard. I realized that this is not just carelessness, this is my sickness and I don't care about anything anymore. My attitude towards my dog is not so healthy and I am aware of that but I am unable to change my attitude lately. It's like I am letting myself flow in darkness. I feel pity for my dog, she got the worst owner in her life.
Anyway, today while walking with my dog, I suddenly felt like I should walk a little bit more and spend some time outside alone. The weather was not attractive, it was foggy and rainy but still, I felt I should walk alone by myself. So, after walking with Gigi, I went home, gave her breakfast, and went outside again to have alone time.
After a long era, I was walking alone and it felt good. It was cold but it felt different, fresh. This picture of the highrise building will show the level of fog we had today. It was a misty morning. Normally early morning, people experience such kind of atmosphere but I went out quite late and it was still cloudy and misty.
I haven't experienced beautiful autumn weather this year so far, so I thought maybe I should look around to see some fallen leaves.
Today was a lazy weekend morning so many people were outside walking with their dogs. Seeing that scenario kinda reminded me of my attitude and carelessness towards my dog or I just blame myself for everything due to some bad experiences. I cannot just let anything go. I let myself be destroyed by the judgment and opinion of others. This has been happening for quite a long time and knowing that there was no mistake made by me or by my dog, I couldn't let the incident go.
I was thinking a lot while walking, rubbish or intense thoughts. At one point, I thought coming outside alone was a mistake but instead of going back, I decided to go near the canal. I took some photos, of wildflowers and wild plants.
The canal side is beautiful and very quiet. I have been here before with Gigi, she did swim in this canal. I am not so sure that this canal is allowed for dogs but she didn't swim for a long time and that's okay. The canal is not deep at all, shallow water level. One can easily cross the canal by foot. During the rainy season, I have seen boats here but those were private boats. Many people take a walk here in the morning.
I thought of spending some time near the canal but unfortunately couldn't find any sitting space there. The soil of the canalside was very soft and muddy so it was also impossible to go near the water. Far away, other side of the canal, I noticed a bunch of swans were resting. I don't know what got into me, I decided to disturb their nap. I kinda made some intentional sound and they woke up, started looking around, and then again went back to relax.
I think they don't care about the sound until they sense the danger.
So, I ignored them and started walking.
Finally, I arrived in a small neighborhood street where I saw some colors of autumn; yellow leaves. It was nothing compared to what I had seen and experienced before. I tried to take one photo but it didn't turn out how I expected. Failure of searching autumn colors but I knew it somehow.
I returned home; did this walk help me? I would say I liked my alone time, away from the room, away from the location. Someone told me once to spend time near the canal whenever I feel bad; obviously, I didn't do that but I guess I will do it in the future. Probably the flow of water, and nature will help me to heal in time.
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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