Coming to Understand the Anger Issues of my Mother

Whenever she shouts at me, a piece of my heart shatters. Although she apologizes right away after getting mad, there were times I couldn't stopped myself from thinking that I am her daughter and I deserve gentleness, to be understood, to be treated right, to be loved. But, now that I aged, I came to the realization that my mother deserves the world more than I deserve it.

_{photo from Pixabay}

I was selfish. In those times I only thought about my feelings. In those times I self-diagnosed myself as depressed. In those times I overthink my problems I never even thought how light it was compared to the burden mom has. I know, I know I never should feel bad feeling that way, it was me trying to express myself, and I was valid, my emotions were valid. However, perception changes through series of reflecting, and I was not fit to be called as a good daughter.

Anyhow, I am trying to be one now. It was a kind of shame to think that I came from her womb, breastfed for years (yes, years), she stayed with me through ups and down for my 17 years of existence, yet I only knew and understood her very well months ago. I wasn't really that smart after all, she was right.

I loved her, I love her more than my life. And the guilt always bugs me whenever I get to remember how naive and inconsiderate I was to question her all the time why she gets angry so easily all the time.

I was so insensitive of thinking why she still shoulder the burdens of her siblings when they all got a life to live now and can find ways to solve their problems on their own. I never realized sooner that it was more than because she was the elder sister, and the bread winner of the family. She carry them even now as her responsibility.

In those times I cried on my own, when I breakdown from stress, burnout and pressure, those were times I wished to be dead and gone because I could not take everything anymore. However, that time when I think of attempting suicide, realization hit me like a bullet in the head. I was shallow. Too shallow that if ever I would kill myself mom surely would be mad at me than cry.

I know that she came from a family of conservatives, where everything else is a taboo still. If ever she's suffering from stress or depression I would not know, she would not even give a damn to think about it as well.

She suffers more than I suffer silently. She wasn't vocal unlike me, however she is much stronger for keeping her tiredness and problems to herself alone. I know she struggles just to keep us sustained and alive. I know she cries as well at night but chose to weep it in silence. I know her now.

That's why I understand why my tiny bit of mistake can cause her to be mad. That's why I understand she gets moody most of time. That's why I choose to behave and be careful to do not make mistake. That's why also that I will always wear a calm aura to don't trigger her. And I even admire her more than before. Not only for her unconditional love, natural talents and wits, but also for her endurance, courage, and strength. That's also why I always check her now every time, tell her that I love her, and give her hugs and kisses that she may find casual but the truth of that are to show my never ending love for her.

ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ