As I beocme more and more at peace with myself, I start to realize just how much bothered me before. I notice it when I look at what bothers other people. I see how they react to certain things and remember how I used to act to the same kinds of things.
A waiter at a shop I go to invites me to their performance and I can’t make it and the next time we meet he is noticably colder.
A friend recommends me a band and I am not very impressed by it. He looks very dissapointed.
I am tired at a party and want to head home early, and one guy keeps trying to get me to stay because its still early.
I made a comment on a friends social media that may have expressed a certain opinion that she disagreed with and she no longer respond to my comments at all now.
Of course all of their emotions in these situations are valid, no doubt! But they add an unnecessary amount of stress to their lives and to our relationships.
I wasn’t uninterested in the guys show, I just wanted to save money cause I had gone out too much recently and didn’t really want to go out again. I can’t force myself to like things I don’t like, and I know much more about music than some people so obviously my tastes are going to be different.
I can’t fault these people because until very recently I behaved similarly and sometimes I find myself reacting similarly even now. But nowadays, I make whatever effort I can to smooth things over and not damage the relationship through maintaining a certain attitude over a period of time.
People in Japan are very sensitive but I think people everywhere can be sensitive. The big difference in Japan is that not often do people speak directly and so its difficult to guess how they feel, so everyone is always looking for hints and overthinking things. I find myself doing it.
There are two acquaintances in town who have very stern expressions all the time and they both live on my street so I see them often. If they are talking to anyone or working in their shops, wven if they aren’t busy, they ignore me. Flat out ignore. It’s not that they don’t see me.
At first this bothered me a lot but eventually I realized that’s just their way of interacting with people. They have many many friends in the neighborhood and run into them constantly so its just became habit for them to not pay attention everytime they see them. Its like when you live with someone and walk past them, you don’t need to say something each and every time, you’ll talk to them when the time comes.
So I don’t worry about it anymore.
I often have moments with my students when they are a bit awkward about something I say. It could be that they aren’t sure they grasp what I am saying or it could be that they weren’t paying attention. Maybe they are offended and trying to hide it. I never really know for sure if they don’t tell me and they don’t always tell me.
So the fact that I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid came up during two lessons recently, and both students reacted awkwardly. Not all students react awkwardly, but they both did. Were they judging me? I don’t know. Coincidently, both had to cancel lessons next week and that really got me worried. Maybe they think I am not a good teacher because of this?
But a few days later, one of them sent me a message to say her schedule cleared up and she wants to meet next week. The other…still not sure.
But I try not to worry about it.
Even if they don’t want to study with me because of somethibg like that.
Even if my friends hate my music or my writing and are awkwardly avoiding it.
Even if no one I invite wants to come with me when I go somewhere because they aren’t interested.
Even if someone is bothered by my stance on certain issues.
Even if I say something stupid and don’t have a chance to really apologize or course correct.
There is too much that is out of our control, and the more we worry about it, the more twisted and confusing it becomes so I just don’t worry about it as much anymore.
If a student wants to quit because my train was late…if a shop owner is disappointed that I haven’t showed up to their shop in a while…if my student takes two months off… if my friend doesn’t reply to my message…if someone says or does something selfish but isn’t a bad person…if we disagree about something…if someone on Hive unfollows me….
I don’t need to harp on any of it.
It is what it is. Everything can show me what I support and what I don’t and I can become stronger in my convictions or learn where I need to improve but nothing deserves to dominate my mind if it isn’t exciting or helpful.
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Novels/music/merch/social media/patreon:
https://linktr.ee/selfhelp4trolls
Untangled Knots podcast:
Japanese Upbringing Explained (interview my Japanese student)
Join us in the Deep shitdiscord channel to talk about deep shit, art and culture differences
Confessions of the Damaged 1.1-1.3 on Amazon