Guess what time it is?!
Yes, yes, you’re probably thinking: Sunbathing? Swimming in the sea? Picnics and sandals and chasing butterflies?
Yup, ALL of that. But for me… it’s also CARNIVORE TIME!
(Plants, not people. Don’t panic.)
I think you know what kind of plants I mean. But just in case you're scratching your head...grab your glasses, sit back, and get ready for a juicy (bug-eating) story! 😉
So. For a long time, I kinda ignored these plants. Not like "ew go away" ignored, more like... “meh, not my vibe.” I mean, come on. These plants? They don’t even look cute! I’d look at them and think, what the actual plant is THIS?!
And then… came my husband.
(He’s almost in all my stories, honestly. After 14 years together, the man is basically a full-time character.)
He loves plants. Like, LOVES plants. And I always thought, “Okay fine, this is where we’re different.” But...nope. He always finds some sneaky way to drag me in. I don’t even notice until I’m knee-deep in it.
A few days ago he calls me while “shopping” (aka doing secret plant missions), and says: “Baby, I got you some beautiful flowers.”
HUH?
Wait a sec.
FLOWERS?!
Didn’t this man say I’m a flower-killer and that the only bouquets I get are made of LEGO?! So I was like, “Aww you bought me LEGO flowers again?! THANK YOU BABYYYY 😍😍”
I’m already halfway dancing in the kitchen, doing my secret moves (you know the ones nobody sees those but him). “Where’s my LEGO bouquet?! Let’s build!”
He comes home…NO LEGO. Just… plants.
Of course. It’s carnivore time again. sigh but also yay
Let's rewind the time a little.
One day he came home, places them on the table and goes, all proud,
“Look, baby! Carnivores for the balcony!”
And I’m just standing there like: WHAT in the Jurassic Park is this?! A meat-eating plant? Is it going to eat me too?!
FYI: In my language, carnivores literally means “meat eaters.” So I panicked a little.
But then...FLASHBACK! I remembered this plant! I saw it in a movie! Journey to the Center of the Earth! YESSS. That scary one that eats bugs (and possibly humans in a movie). It all clicked.
And just like that… we began our adventure into the world of bug-munching monsters. And guess what? They “grew” on me. (Hehe. Get it? GROW? Ok, I’ll stop. I’m officially old.)
Anyway, I decided, fine, maybe I’m not growing them...but I can learn about them. Hubby knows everything already. I’m just the student with snacks.
He made Plant School at home. Sat me down, lined up all his creepy-cute plants, and started the lesson. So now, lucky you, I’m gonna teach YOU too!
(No skipping class! Or… okay fine, you can. But you’ll miss the fun.)
These plants look normal… until BAM! They eat bugs. Not cows. Not chickens. Just tiny flying annoying things.
They grow in places with terrible soil, so instead of crying about it, they were like:
“Fine. No nutrients in the ground? We’ll eat bugs instead.”
Respect.
People knew about them for centuries, but they thought the plants were weirdos. Then scientists got curious, poked them a little, and boom—bug hunters discovered!
They’re great for natural pest control. Plus, they look like aliens. Win-win.
They grow in spring and summer...aka snack season. In winter, they nap. Like bears. Lazy little bug bears.
How to grow these tiny monsters you ask?
*(Well, my husband grows them. I just point and say “ooooh” and “aaaaah.”)
Sunlight = YES PLEASE. Full sun or grow lights.
Water = Rainwater or distilled ONLY. Tap water is a big NOPE.
Soil = No regular dirt! They need sphagnum moss + sand. (Yeah, apparently “soil is soil” is a crime in my house.)
Pot = Plastic pot with holes. And don’t let the soil dry. Ever.
Feeding?
No steaks. No sausages. They like bugs. They catch their own, but you can give a tiny one now and then. And it’s HILARIOUS. They snap so fast! Like tiny green monsters. I love it.
Oh, and don’t poke them too much. (My husband said this like ten times. Because obviously, I poked them.) But come on...they’re alive! They move! I HAD to.
Let’s meet the gang!
Venus Flytrap
Looks like a leafy mouth with teeth. Bug lands. SNAP! Goodbye bug. Hello crunchy snack. If it had a voice, it would go “Mmm, crunchy!”
Coolest little horror movie star.
Pitcher Plant
Looks like a pretty flower. But inside? It’s a slippery bug slide into doom-goo. Bug goes in, never comes out. Basically a smoothie blender for flies.
Sundew
Sparkly and fabulous! Covered in glittery goo that traps bugs. The plant wraps around its prey like an evil burrito. Sticky, shiny, deadly.
The winged tropical pitcher plant
is a silly-looking plant with big, cup-shaped leaves that trap bugs! It has wings on its sides and looks like it's ready to fly—but really, it just wants to eat insects for lunch.
Butterwort
Chillest assassin ever. Looks boring. Bug lands, sticks like gum. Plant goes “Yum,” digests it quietly like a villain sipping tea.
Bladderwort
Lives in water. Sucks in prey with vacuum speed. Seriously—the trap closes faster than a blink. I call it the plant toilet that flushes bugs. Gross. Amazing.
Cobra Lily
Looks like a snake in a hoodie. So cool. Bugs think it’s a cave party, get lost inside tunnels, and… well. Let’s just say they don’t come home again. Creepiest of them all. I love it.
I really hope I wrote everything and posted the right pictures to match... if not, it means I'm still not a pro!
**So yeah... 10 years later, I’m officially a fan.
These weird little meat-eaters stole my heart (and the flies).
They’re not hard to grow (well, not if you're my husband), and they’re SO fun to watch.
Seriously, try one. Then maybe two. Then a full balcony.
And guess what? The bugs will skip your place like, “No thanks, death zone. I’ll bother the neighbors instead.” 😂
Have any of these plants yourself?
SHOW ME! Post in the comments, I wanna see your tiny bug assassins! 😉
With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️