Talk about one of those invisible wounds that literally cut deeper than we often realize; that's stigma for you, and it's because it sometimes doesn't make noise and yet it's loud for all to hear. Those come in diverse ways from conversation, how people look at us, via comments, and even when we least expect it in the comfort of our home. I've been a victim of stigma and have witnessed loved ones go through it as well, and here I'll be sharing a personal experience and tips to get out of it.
Like I've said here on several occasions, I spent a significant part of my childhood at my grandparents places, and my grandfather happened to be quite a hardworking man who believed in planning ahead and providing for his family. He used to work in Kwara State years ago before I was born and built a house for his family there, but life took a turn when his workplace transferred him to Ibadan in Oyo State. Despite the challenges that come with relocating, he went on to gradually find his feet in the new place, and after years of working in the state, he built another house for himself to cut the cost of staying in a rented apartment. Not long after finally settling down in Oyo State, he was transferred again, this time to Lagos.
But Lagos was different, and that's because the cost of living there was on another level. Despite him staying in Lagos for about 15 years, he couldn't replicate what he did in other states because owning a house in Lagos seems like all luxury, and so he resorted to staying in a rented apartment and making sure we, his family, were comfortable. Years went by, and we were all comfortable until one day when stigma crept in from a man he used to nurture like his own when he was still a child.
During a minor misunderstanding between my uncle and our landlord last summer, he made a statement aimed at my grandfather that hit both him (my grandfather) and every one of us like a punch to our gut. He said, "Does your father even know how much a brick costs, not to talk of building a house?" That single statement carried more weight than any insult I've ever heard, probably because it wasn't just an attack, but a ridicule and a questioning of all the years of my grandfather's hard work and sacrifice, making my grandfather, who had built more than one houses, feel less because he was renting an apartment there.
That moment changed everything in all of us, including our neighbors, who now started looking at my grandfather like a reckless spender who didn't invest in something tangible for his family. Seeing how the stigma kept on rising, I saw sadness for the first time in my grandfather's eyes. The feeling of being belittled probably overwhelmed him for a while. But then he didn't let it weigh him down because almost immediately he made a decision to pour everything he had in savings into our purchasing a plot of land in Ogun State, which is a neighboring state, and within four months, he had erected a new structure, and we moved to the new place joyfully. In fact, some neighbors followed us to the place just to be sure it's really our house and not a rented apartment.
I believe all these were possible thanks to his determination and desire to rise above the stigma that tried to define him, and through this experience I've been taught a powerful lesson about stigma; that although it can break us, we must come to the understanding that it can also build us, only if we don't let it take root in our identity and below, and the few tips I've learned that I'd love to share with you.
- Know your worth: it's highly essential that we understand that what others say about us doesn't change the truth of our and efforts.
- Use the pain as fuel: letting negative comments become the driving force that pushes us towards greatness is one thing I learned.
- Don't stay silent: Staying silent can be dangerous, but speaking up can pave a way out, just like my grandpa spoke to someone who introduced him to an available land that he went on to buy and turn the tides around.
- Remember your journey: regardless of what people are saying, when you reflect on how far you've come, you'll realize there are a lot of things to be proud of.
- Stand up for your loved ones: When you notice your loved ones are affected by stigma, the right thing to do is to stand up for them and not let them wallow in the situation; supporting each other is the way to go.
Overall, stigma isn't just about what is being said, but about how it makes you feel. But like my grandfather's experience has showed me, you don't have to remain a victim of it; you can take hold of your destiny and rewrite a new story brick by brick till it becomes a masterpiece.
All photos are mine.