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Without a doubt, a person is not psychically prepared for an experience like this. The first shock, probably, is accompanied by denial; of the hope that the person will appear immediately; of despair at the vague idea that he/she does not appear now or ever... subsequent emotions can be intense enough to lose control. The waiting time is getting longer and longer, in some cases, making reveal uncertainty, panic, anxiety states (which can sometimes become a psychological disorder of anxiety), and stress (which may become Chronic and produce a high cortisol content affecting the immune system and exhausting the mind, creating the appropriate environment for disease formation).

In addition to all of the above, people under this experience are going through mourning. Let us remember that mourning is nothing more than that process in which we adapt to life without a loved one. But, these people do not know if their relative is alive or dead, therefore, they are not completely delivered to the experience of the mourning, however, they are already living, temporally or indefinitely, without that loved. So experience, over time, can become a traumatic mourning. All this painful experience may also be accompanied by much anger against the people who abducted or believed to have participated in the disappearance of the loved one.

Anger against relatives or close people who might be involved in their carelessness or involvement directly or indirectly. The person even rages at himself for being careless at the time of the disappearance of the relative, which creates a feeling of guilt. Turning guilt into another feeling that adds to the psychic experience of people who lose their loved ones in conditions of missing persons.

Another intense emotion is fear. Fear of not knowing where your relative is, fear of not appearing, fear of death; and that uncontrolled fear can become a panic disorder.

Life changes for a person who is going through an experience like this and that change can represent a true psychological, emotional, physical, family, social and spiritual transformation for these people. And directly with what concerns us, mental health can be highly compromised. Hence, from this space we want to provide some tools that can be useful, that can help you to refresh your mind, and especially to be emotionally controlled.

Emotional self-control

In the first instance, we want to talk about what might be considered a cycle of negative emotions, such as anger, guilt, fear, anxiety and chronic stress. Although some of them are part of the basic emotional baggage of every human being, they become disorders that affect the development of everyday life, to the point that daily activities are highly disrupted. The disappearance of a loved one means a change of life that not only involves psychological and emotional changes, but many people abandon their work, studies, modify or suppress some of their daily activities to devote themselves to the search, or because they just can't concentrate while they wait for the outcome of the moment they live. However, during that process, it is indispensable that we understand, how those emotions can be managed for as long as it takes.

In the first phase of the cycle, we have a situation, understanding, in this case, the disappearance of a loved one. Let us imagine, simply, that it is the situation of Mary, whose husband disappeared a few days ago, was report to the competent authorities and the search is in process. Friends and family members are actively involved in the search. In relation to this situation, Mary is generating thoughts, such as: Where will my husband be, who will have taken him, why have they done it, maybe he was involved in something, drugs, gangs, kidnapped him, sell his organs, want money, they were trying to steal him and he resisted. Some of these thoughts can become very recurrent and grow, for example, Mary wonders: Will they kill him to sell their organs? And from there begin to imagine the death, the dismemberment and the sale of organs... These thoughts that brood over Mary's mind can become completely irrational and devastating thoughts.

And we enter the next phase of the cycle: emotions. Mary begins to feel excessive worry, anxiety, uncertainty, panic, anger. These emotions are accompanied by physical symptoms, such as sweating, tachycardia, high or low blood pressure, tension and/or muscle pain, restless breathing, cardiac complications, sleep disturbances.

The more she thinks and imagines, Mary, speculating about what could have happened and what will happen, the more uncontrolled are her emotions, coming to feel exhausted and possibly depressed.

We can say, from cognitive therapy, that emotions are the product of thoughts, and, the more negative and irrational these are, the more negative and irrational are those. If we cultivate rational thoughts we can manage in a more balanced way our emotions. In other words, if we control our thoughts we will control emotions better. It should be noted that we are not talking so much about cultivating a positive thought and promoting rational thinking. So, Mary, might think, "I'm not going to go ahead with the events, I'm going to wait to get to know the reality," among other things.

It is true that we are talking about loved ones, which might come to delay in appearing or even, might not happen; the situation will inevitably affect us, however, if we control our thoughts many of the uncontrolled emotions can be handled in a better way.

If a person is having all those irrational thoughts as we were exemplifying, obviously, Mary, is a person who is going to feel very anxious, very stressed, going to feel an uncontrolled fear, much anger to the point that manages to abuse others or herself and then fall into depression. And Mary's family, in addition to having a missing member, now has a psychiatric patient who will most likely require medication. Members of other families become separate because emotional decontrol and non-assertive communication propel them into uncontrolled and obfuscated actions.

We came to understand those irrational thoughts, rather than the situation, not only generate uncontrolled emotions, but also uncontrolled behaviors, such as screaming, hitting, giving aggressive responses, physical or verbal abuse, constant crying, Isolation, deconcentration, loss of appetite or unmeasured eating.

Rational thoughts prevent emotions and behaviors from getting out of control, yes, we are going to feel sadness, but that sadness is not going to get to the point of depression; We will feel anger, but that anger is not going to be so uncontrolled that we mistreat those around us, or ourselves; We will experience fear, but, that fear will not become a panic disorder, and so on with each of the emotions.

If we want to interrupt this cycle we have described in which we describe thoughts that generate emotions with physical symptoms, and behaviors, we must begin by controlling the phase of the thoughts. Sometimes these can be so automatic that they are very difficult to control, and therefore also the emotional situation. There are both cognitive and behavioral techniques that can help us.

Cognitively, we can put into practice a technique that is called detention of thought, which consists of three phases. First, we are going to perform a physical act that represents an alert for our brain, which has been conditioned to a way of thinking, but, we will modify. That alert can be a slap, a clap, a little pinch, a pull, a garter on your wrist with which you give a little tug; Then we give the audible order: "Enough, I won't keep thinking about this", and finally, we occupy our mind with something that really calls our concentration, like, for example spelling words, naming favorite players, favorite artists, saying countries and their capitals, singing, Reciting poetry... Each person must choose what works for them and that generates a state of concentration

Another technique that we can use is *behavioral testing. If, for example, Mary feels that her husband's best friend is somehow responsible for the disappearance of this one, and every time he sees it he goes in anger against him and shouts things uncontrollably, Mary can ask her best friend to help her rehearse how she's going to react the next time she see that person. Her friend can model how Mary can react and/or represent her husband's friend for Mary to practice her behavior. Not necessarily anger is going to go, but Mary will practice self-control.

Writing, it can also be very useful for some people. Vent with a pencil, on a paper all your emotions, anger, guilt, fear, sadness. Can address someone, and send him his writing, or simply wrinkle it, break it with all his strength, throw it in the water, burn it. It's a kind of ritual that handles negative emotion, which you can do every day and whenever you need to.

Coping cards are cards with messages of hope, encouragement, that somehow promote rational thoughts. You can ask your family and friends to write mood cards that you will place in the mirror, in the fridge, in the computer, at the bedside, everywhere... and that you can read in the moments that need it most.

Massages can improve mood, circulation, and relieve muscle and emotional tension. Also the care of the food. Muscle relaxation exercises, which consist of stressing each muscle for a few seconds and then slowly releasing it to relax. This combined with deep breathing exercises. Diaphragmatic respiration is one in which we take so much air that the lungs press the diaphragm causing the abdomen to rise. You can practice lying in bed, placing a book on your abdomen, making the book go up and down while breathing. In this way, we can reassure ourselves in those moments when emotions want to control us, or simply as a preventive measure.

Author: Psychologist Sofía De Úrbaez

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