Life and the human condition seems filled with psychological paradoxes... most of them shining examples of the truism that we should be careful what we ask for, because we might just get it... and it might not be at all what we had in mind.
Honestly? I don't think most people have any idea what they truly want.
Butterfly on lavender
Our "wants" and "needs" are fleeting reactionary notions, not the result of deliberate thought and authentic self-knowing. As a result, many end up unhappy, even when they get precisely what they "asked" for.
Esteem and Self-Esteem...
One of the (at least to my way of thinking) more toxic thought platforms some people take to extremes it their inherent desire to be needed and wanted.
Of course, one of the ways you can "create" that particular situation is to make yourself really popular and depended on. We see this happen both in workplaces, as well as in families and relationships: Someone works really hard to become "The RELIABLE one," or "The COMPETENT one" or something similar... typically started with good intentions of wanting to "secure" their place within a social structure.
After all, if you make yourself an important part of the "functioning" of other people's lives — or a work environment — you become the go-to person, and so your place is pretty secure. "They can't do without you..."
I see lots of people do that... and whether they sincerely intend it thus, or not... they are subtly creating a reality within which they become indispensable.
"Go ask Emily, she always knows what to do!"
"You should take that to George, he knows more about project management than the rest of the team put together!"
Winter sunset
Life on the Dark Side..
Maybe that sounds really good to you — enviable, even — but there is always a dark side. It's flattering and comforting to be needed, and maybe it even feels like it props up your self-esteem, BUT...
Your breakdown starts manifesting when you realize that your "load" seems to be getting ever bigger, and you pretty much never get a break.
You see, you have very effectively succeeded in making yourself wanted and needed, and now you are truly indispensable and now everybody comes to you, all the time, for everything! And you discover that not dealing with your own root insecurities (not feeling "valued" or like you "matter," or whatever wound you may be carrying) in a healthy way is coming back to haunt you.
Of course, some people can go on for a long time — years, even — while the pressure on their own internal sense of self builds and builds, until one day... this otherwise very competent, well-meaning and kind person suddenly has a nervous breakdown OR explodes into an uncharacteristic fit of rage over something seemingly insignificant.
What keeps you afloat?
Or the REALLY Dark Side
I remember someone I knew, many years ago, in another city... one of the kindest, most helpful, always-available and cheerful people I've met... who came to a shocking and sudden end.
She seemed so happy and involved and like she had everything...
And one day, sitting at home in her and her husband's $1.5 million mansion, she took one of her husband's shotguns and re-decorated their bedroom with the top of her head.
It's really difficult to shoot yourself in the head with a shotgun...
I'm not sure what that was really a lesson about, but it was shocking. I suppose — as much as anything — it was a lesson about the possible fallout of "hiding" our fears and our "little problems" to such an extent that we just can't deal with it, anymore...
Poppies in the afternoon sun
Towards Self-Inquiry, and Beyond
I'm a strong believer in the process of rigorous self-inquiry, because our personal foibles and toxic patterns — perhaps learned in a perfectly valid way, as childhood survival tools — can easily become overwhelming... and sweeping them under the rug and pretending they don't exist or don't affect us... that doesn't tend to work well, in the long run.
The truth can be painful, when it turns out that we have to admit to something that totally flies in the face of the public persona we perhaps have spent decades carefully building.
We know the truth, but we can sometimes hide it so well it seems like it doesn't actually exist. But it does.
And so, as we inquire — in *private, where nobody else is watching — we learn about our fears. Maybe we fear admitting that we are NOT strong, even though everyone else thinks so. Maybe we fear admitting that we do NOT have "it" all under control, even though the world now depends on us for just that. Maybe we fear admitting that we actually DON'T like others being dependent on us... but we don't know what else to do because we also fear that without what we DO people will abandon us because who we ARE is not enough.
The possibilities are myriad, and your journey will be uniquely your own. But it's a journey we all need to take, if we want to feel whole and balanced!
Thanks for reading!
How about YOU? Do you know of people who engage in "toxic" behaviors to cover some aspect of their fears? Have you ever done anything like this? Can you be truthful with yourself (and others) about your fears and shortcomings? Ever had someone confess to a psychological shortcoming that totally changed your perception of them? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!
(As always, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 190318 17:06 PST
0936