Graduating with my Masters in Architecture and finally obtaining that Part II with the Royal Institute of British Architects (RIBA) was the happiest day of my life! It feels like finishing a marathon that took me YEARS to run! All that burden and stress lifted. And all that I can hope for is that I make my family proud. So many mixed emotions that day...
It wasn't all smiles and laughter like in this picture. There were so many ups and downs, tears and anxiety attacks, sleepless days and migraine attacks. While architecture and design are what I love doing, I admit that I am not necessarily the best at it. After studying architecture for 5 years, I realised I have lost a lot of self-confidence in my work. Creativity and the boldness to create quirky design slowly chips away year by year. And here's why it did for me...
1.) Slow Learner
I am slow at learning the mechanics of how a building works and understanding the engineering of what makes a building strong with the different type of materials. Building technology is just so complicated! But I am learning, I might not understand it as fast as the rest of my friends, but I'll get there eventually.
I am also not the best at 3D modelling and presenting the end product of a design because I do not know how to use a rendering software to its full capabilities. So I design rigid buildings instead of organic, pretty looking ones, and justify to myself that I am designing for function instead of pure aesthetics, but really, I want to design awesome looking buildings like Zaha Hadid, I mean, after all, Frank Llyod Wright did amazing right? I just couldn't figure out the how to push myself to be able to do amazing 3D models like you see in the magazines!
2.) Relearning terms
- While doing my masters, I was lucky enough to have met amazing friends who had so much patience with me. Some of the terms/ building analogy used here was a bit different than I was taught in Australia. I had to learn that Schedule of Accommodation was a list of spaces needed in your building and not designing spaces for an accommodation type project! But sometimes, well, most of the time I'd be too embarrassed to ask. Because I should have known all these terms that they are using by now right? I had a lot of self-doubt and was constantly critical to myself. But looking back at it now, it was all a learning curve, I had to adapt and accept that each country does things differently.
3.) Fear of Presenting in front of so many people
- I am terrible at public speaking, so presenting in front of my uni mates and lecturers makes me so nervous I usually forget all my points! I start to stutter and I usually cant formulate a proper sentence. Then I get so upset with myself because of all the hard work I have done, preparing myself for the final presentation, but words just wont come out of my mouth. All these brilliant ideas I have in my head that I wanted to share stayed in my mind, all because of my nerves.
I went blank on one of my presentations before because I was too nervous, and my lecturer said to me, "Jeez, someone needs some sleep!"
4.) Constant Criticism
Now this one gets a bit tricky because criticism is part of architecture. That is how we learn and make our designs better. Every improvement and every step we make in a project we have to present and get feedback a.k.a criticised.
Constructive criticism is the best way to improve yourself and your work, but I wasn't lucky enough to always get constructive criticism.
There were lecturers who would point out my errors and explained to me why I shouldn't have designed it in such a way and gave me suggestions to aspects that I might be able to consider. This kind of criticism makes me happy because I am learning.
Unfortunately, for my final project I had quite a difficult tutor that, in my opinion, didnt really know how to teach. Don't get me wrong, he is a good architect and he is very direct to what he says and doesn't sugar coat things. I found it difficult to convey my ideas across because I felt that he had already decided (in his head) that I am not good enough. It might just be me, but that was the vibe I got from him every tutorial session.
When I was stuck in my work and didn't know how to move forward, I nervously asked him for help, hoping he would guide me forward. Instead, all I got from him was, "You cant tell your client that you are stuck with a project, can you? So why are you asking me this?" I never felt so humiliated... How can a person crush your self-worth and confidence in a sentence? I felt like I wasn't worth being an architecture student, that my designs were all shit, I just felt so down. Needless to say, I never went back to him for any consultations. He had such an effect on my mental health. I became afraid of him, doubting myself in my work, doubting myself as a person, afraid that I've let my family down because I might fail. I was a wreck. When friends would call me out, I'd say no because I was they would ask me about where I am with my design, and I would feel so ashamed and left behind. It was a constant battle with myself. Half of me feeling so helpless and depressed, half of me would be saying "stop it! you are better than this!"
I cannot tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep, fearing that I might fail my masters and disappoint my parents, in a grand scheme of things I know this is nothing, but I couldn't help to feel fear. Maybe that was what pushed me. I have had real panic attacks because of the immense pressure of assignment dead lines. I have had days where I was paralysed with migraine attacks, diarrhoea because apparently, I was too stressed.
I had to say to myself, one day at a time.
And I cannot thank my family enough for their love and support that got me through those really tough times. Really. I would call my sister @gelfire to wake me up at 11am her Malaysian time because it'll be 3am here in the UK, so I can take a 15 minute power nap and she'd call me just incase I didnt hear the alarm!
It was definitely a journey of bitter sweet memories I am still trying to find self worth and build up my confidence in my work. Slowly mending my psychological welfare, telling myself that I am stronger than this. I am learning not to compare myself to others who are successful and understanding that everyone is different in their own way. It is a constant battle with myself because I want to push myself to be a great designer...but I am learning... slowly but surely...