As a Clinical Psychologist, I know you can’t feel happy if your mind is lost in the dark and keeps looking at the dark, instead of focusing on how to reach that weak ray of light at the end of the tunnel.
When I launched the first Ask Me Anything about Psychology many people asked me about Happiness.
Most of them asked me in a negative way, such as “How to stop from feeling bad”, “Why do I feel so sad”, and similar.
I was surprised: so many questions about what they don’t have, instead of asking me how to improve what they already have.
This is the reason why I answer in a positive way here: I won’t talk you about “How not to”, but I’ll talk you about “How to”.
Follow me, as you’re going to start a journey into yourself.
Let’s start…
The lies behind Happiness: a popular misconception.
People are very confused when we talk about Happiness.
They usually think in negative ways.
Let’s see…
Sonja Lyubomirsky gives us some examples of popular misconceptions about Happiness:
- I’ll Be Happy When I’m Married to the Right Person
- I Can’t Be Happy When My Relationship Has Fallen Apart
- I Need a Partner to Be Happy
- Landing My Dream Job Will Make Me Happy
- I’ll Be Happy When I’m Rich and Successful
As you can see, Happiness is often related to something we should own or that should happen, and we live our lives waiting for that moment to occur.
This creates a dangerous mindset: it makes us used to think about what we don’t have rather than thinking to what we already have.
The other great misconception is about the factors that affect our Happiness.
People usually see circumstances as the main factor to their Happiness, though the science tells us another surprising truth:
- 50% of happiness is determined by genetics
- 10% is determined by circumstances
- …the remaining 40% is up to us!!!
I agree with you: 60% of our Happiness is not up to us, but hey there is still a 40%, that is huge!
It’s quite half of the cake!
And the good news: we can tweak such slice of cake…
What is happiness anyway?
Happiness is the experience of Joy, contentment, and positive well-being, and worthwhile”.
(The How of Happiness and The Myth of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky).
That is, science focuses on Happiness as a subjective feeling, not related to objective factors.
We are talking about the experience of Happiness.
This is how I’m going to approach Happiness here.
Furthermore, Happiness is not about a burst of hormones: it’s about a soft feeling that permeates our daily life.
Why do we feel happy?
An answer from neuroscience.
While people usually view Happiness as a feeling that should stay forever, scientists view Happiness as an ongoing state of being that ebbs and flows.
People usually think of Happiness as living like on a rollercoaster, persistent and stable spikes of excitement.
It’s a contradiction: a spike occurs because there is a flat situation and suddenly something creates a kind of ripple, then things get back to the flat situation.
A spike that becomes stable and persistent is not a spike anymore, but just a new flat situation.
As such, Happiness is not a persistent feeling, rather than a spike that occurs in your daily life.
That is, our physiology works with what we may call “the spike model”: we feel something when a peak occurs in our body or mind.
For example, you feel the chair when you sit down, but after some moments this perception fades away.
Our eyes are able to see because of the saccadic movements: our eyes make micro-movements so fast that we are not able to feel them. By doing so they keep the receptors always excited.
Researchers say that if we block such movements, then our vision fades away: we lose visual perception of the environment.
If we think of Happiness as a feeling mediated by our body, than the same principles applies.
So Happiness is something that has highs and lows, while we can keep a background of moderated happiness that we may call cheerfulness.
This is the kind of Happiness I’m talking about, the most useful for our life.
That said, science tells us that we can “manipulate” the factors that make us happy in order to make the feeling of Happiness to last longer and occur more often.
How do we feel happy?
As we saw above, 40% of our Happiness is under our control, while only 10% is because of the circumstances.
It’s a huge percentage that gives us lot of control over our ability to feel happy.
How can we cheat the System in our favour?
Again, science gives us some clues.
Researchers around the World and along the decades found that happier people have things in common.
Relationships are the key to Happiness in the long-term
A longitudinal research from the Division of Psychiatry, Brigham and Women's Hospital, tested 268 Harvard College sophomores and 456 inner-city Boston school boys along 50 years of their life and found that people with stable and relevant relationships were healthier, more successful in their professional career, less prone to PTSD and similar issues.
And…happier, of course!
(Source: Harvard Department of Psychiatry)Time beats money
Happiness claims its own space in our life: you can’t feel happy when you are busy in doing something else.
That is, we need time in order to feel happy, as we need to leave Happiness the void to emerge.
A research found that people who take care of their time more than their money feel happier than the other ones.
(Source: People Who Choose Time Over Money Are Happier)It’s ok to have money, but just enough to pay the bills
Another research found that money matters until a certain level of income, usually the income you need to pay your bills, effort your passions and don’t fear you can’t save the month.
A higher income is useless for Happiness.
(Source: High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being)Reflecting on the negative things in our lives is never wasted time…provided you do it the right way
I’m not talking about positive thinking: I’m talking about writing, talking, and thinking about significant events.
A research shows that people “who processed their negative experiences through writing or talking reported improved life satisfaction and enhanced mental health relative to those who thought about it.” (More on that later)
(Source: The costs and benefits of writing, talking, and thinking about life's triumphs and defeats)Them over Me: kindness and volunteering boosts our mood
We are social beings by DNA, History, Culture and Evolution.
As such, we feel the need to be part of a group, and contribute to it.
Furthermore, our actions inside the group define us not only in front of the group but also and mostly in front of ourselves.
We get feedback from our actions, and the feedback shapes our Identity.
In this context, acting kindness and volunteering are powerful tools to boost our mood and make us happier.
(Source: Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change)Physical activity is more than burning calories and staying fit
Physical activity reduces the risk of mental disease.
Also, a research tested people of 15 European countries and found “a positive dose-response association between physical activity volume and Happiness“.
That is, inactive people reported to feel less happy than the other group.
Among physical activities, domestic and vocational physical activities gave the best results.
(Source: Don't worry, be happy: cross-sectional associations between physical activity and happiness in 15 European countries)Experiences over material things…or material things that help you to live such experiences…
Living experiences over owning material products gives the best results in feeling happy.
Here money still matters, provided they are spent to consume experiential products that allow for life experiences.
I.e.: buying good shoes to go to trekking may have better results than buying expensive shoes in and off itself.
(Source: To have in order to do: Exploring the effects of consuming experiential products on well-being,
Waiting for Merlot, Anticipatory Consumption of Experiential and Material Purchases)The power of now
Ancient religions and philosophies promote the importance to stay present and live the moment.
Most of them talk about “awareness”.
When you focus your mind on the present moment, scars of the past fade away, and the future appears to be just a consequence of the present.
From that moment on, what matters to you is just the present, and you have better chance to achieve the flow, the state of your mind where everything flows without resistance.
Therefore, every practice that helps you to focus on the present moment helps you to feel better, and happier (more on that later).
(Source: The benefits of being present: Mindfulness and its role in psychological well-being, Cultivating mindfulness: effects on well-being)Friends, both old-time and casual friends
We are used to think about our closest friends when we talk about meaningful relationships.
Though it’s a good point of view, a recent research studied the power of the weak social ties, and the results are surprising.
Students of the research reported “greater happiness and a greater feeling of belonging on days when they interacted with more classmates than usual”.
As I told you before, we are social beings, and we feel better when we feel we belong to something greater than ourselves, such as a group.
(Source: Social Interactions and Well-Being - The Surprising Power of Weak Ties)
What can you do right now to feel happier?
Now you may ask: “Ok Ivan so far so good, but what can I do to feel happier today?”.
You’re right, and I’m here to answer.
If you have read the researches above, you can figure out some practical actions you can do right now in order to feel happier.
Let’s see some of them…
- Get social!
Many points above have one strong topic in common: relationship, that means social.
Have a partner, have friends, enter groups that share your interests, attend local events and make new friends.
You don’t need to have hundreds of connections if you never interact with them: I’m talking about people you actually interact with and share moments of your life.
If you feel you are an introvert, you may start with online groups, then you can go offline when you feel more confident with the members of the group.
With a warning: in doing this, be sure to choose the right persons and the right groups, as our social connections affect deeply our body, our mind, our life.
- Keep a journal of your days.
People who journal report many benefits from this activity, and I showed you researches that states the same.
How to journal is up to you: you may prefer writing, drawing, sketchnoting, and others.
The very topic here is: choose one of these tools that help you to reflect on your days.
Remember you are not creating a list of events: you are recording the meaning and the learned lessons of the events of your life!
- Time, time, and again time!
If you are working hard so that you have no time to be happy, step back and ask yourself: “Do I really need all these money?”
What do you need to pay the bills, afford your passions, and live without fear of running out of money?
Make the math, and calculate how much work is enough for you: how much time do you save?
Then you need to find activities you can do during so much time: this step is very important in order not to fall again into the black hole of workaholism.
If you find hard to give up some work due to many expenses you are not allowed to cut off, you may consider a more minimalist lifestyle and work to achieve this goal.
- Do volunteering, or make something that makes you feel part of the community.
You can join volunteering associations or start one on your own, or join some political chapter, or similar activities.
The main topic here is: feel yourself part of the community you live, in a way or another.
Even online volunteering may help: you may attend some online group to help others.
Charity causes are very useful too. I don’t mean simply giving some money: I mean being active.
This way you satisfy the social needs too!
- Mens sana in corpore sano.
My ancestors, the ancient Latin people, used to say that a healthy mind goes with a healthy body.
You don’t need to push yourself to the gym if you are not that kind of person: you can achieve this goal simply with jogging and similar activities.
If you find hard to be consistent with it, I suggest you to consider to join with people who already do that activity.
It helps to get more social too.
- Practice meditation or mindfulness.
Such kind of activities helps you to stay in the present moment and focus on the here and now.
You may start at home: there are many online programmes and apps that guide you through the process.
Best of all you I suggest you join local groups: it helps you to stay consistent and receive feedback from people more expert than you and, again, it boosts your social life.
Now it’s up to you!
- What do you do to feel happier?
- What works best for you?
- Do you know other strategies to feel happier?
- Write them in the comments and let’s talk together!
Sidenotes.
I talked you about Happiness and provided you with tools to boost this positive feeling.
Anyway, you may live negative events so powerful that may destabilise you get you out of balance.
If such moments occur, you may consider the help of a professional, an expert who knows how the mind works, is not involved in your struggles and so can see things from the outside from a neutral point of view.
Moreover, as this article provides you generic advice, if you already attend a therapy please talk to your therapist before applying one of the tools described above.
Other Sources.
Misconceptions About Happiness
7 Myths About Happiness We Need to Stop Believing
6 of the biggest misconceptions about happiness, according to science
Science says happier people have these 9 things in common
How to feel happier, according to neuroscientists and psychologists
Ask Me Anything about Psychology.
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