You will find thousands of themes on the web that explain how to talk to a stranger, how to start and keep conversation or how to be social. And most of them will advise you to develop the social skills of the so called "small talk". Something that I would call "empty-handed". Something that makes me realize unhappy. And maybe I'm not alone.
Dan Araily is Dr. James B., Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics made an experiment demonstrating how much happier we would be without these "common tales" in our everyday lives.
What do you think about God? What are you actually afraid of? These may be great questions about conversation, but we rarely stop on such fleshy topics when we meet. Instead, discussions usually focus on topics such as our summer plans, the most recent dramas of home repair and of course the favorite of all the number one theme - the weather!
Pity, really. Because research has long confirmed what many people know, but do not practice: superficial conversations do not build relationships and do not positively affect our happiness. But why do not we do anything about it? Why do we continue to "melt" aimlessly?
The truth is that we are just looking for the smallest common denominator. When we look in our smart phones, we feel free to discuss whatever we want, but when the time comes to share with others, we feel the pressure to choose a subject that is acceptable to everyone - the uninteresting distinctive features of the "little conversation."
To unravel this issue, Dan and Kristen decided to organize a more special evening party. Usually the problems with the coordination of such are two. The first is the arrival time of the guests: if everyone appears at different times, the atmosphere is constantly changing - sometimes it is rushing or dying. The second is related to the topic of conversation: no one will take the social risk of talking about a complex problem in public. Usually, the alternative remains to be the chatter, which will not impress anyone with anything. Never.
A study in the UK of social anthropologist Kate Fox claims that 9 out of 10 people admit to having discussed the time in the last 6 hours. About 38% say they have talked about it in the last 1 hour. But when did you finally hear someone say, "Oh, how sorry we do not have a few more minutes to talk about the weather"?
To avoid similar topics at the evening party, Dan and Kristen set out just two rules. 1. Guests arrive between 19:30 and 20:00. If they arrive later, they will not be allowed. 2. No "general talk". Only meaningful conversations are allowed. While these rules restrict some of the individual freedoms of guests, it appears to be beneficial to the common good. 90% of those invited on the same day, and many asked for clarification on what is considered to be "general fairy tales / Sports? Travel? Work? /
On the day of the event guests arrived at 19:46. At 19:54 there were 25 people already available. The last two appeared at 20:05 and after a brief internal debate they were admitted.
To activate the second rule, the hosts prepared maps with sample topics to start a meaningful conversation. The 27 men and women discussed how to hold civil servants responsible for their actions; to which people in their life would have given their kidney to save them, if necessary; what are the possible suicide prevention? the profession of prostitute.
The guests were extremely interested in the rules and watched for themselves. It seems they themselves felt the freedom to talk about what they really excited about and want to share. Common behavioral rules created an environment with new social norms. And they were all happier with them. As evidence, Dan and Kirstin give the arrangement of two meetings among the untied guests. Perhaps the meaningful conversation makes us, among other things, even more attractive?
In situations where people usually have freedom, setting some social norms can surprise you with their benefits. So at your next evening party, be sure to combine music and wine with the rules above. The "little conversation" prevails everywhere because of the need to find a socially acceptable topic. But when you remove it, the game is quite different. The game begins to develop your relationships with others. And that makes you happy.