If you've been with your partner forever, and I'm talking about "being able to go to the bathroom or change in front of that person without a qualm" type of relationship, there are good boundaries that you need to set up in every healthy relationship. It's not just about how your partner can treat you, but how you can expect to be treated when you are out in a social environment. It's sort of the roadmap for how your relationship will work and how your needs/wants will be met.
There is a lack of boundaries when people enter into violent domestic situations with their partners, and it's because of the lack of boundaires being met either way that cause people to fall apart. Even with healthy boundaries in mind, a relationship can still take a full swing towards being unhealthy, but the goal is always to have each others back and have each other in mind if you both want to establish a healthy loving relationship that no one else can break. I struggle with boundaries myself, as we all will in any given relationship, but, it's the fact that you're willing to work on those things if you want to make a difference in each others life, and live together and become the staple relationship that you both see when you think of having a relationship with someone that you're going to want to spend the rest of your life with.
Size doesn't matter. Weight doesn't matter. Nothing menial or trivial like that should matter if you are going to be in a relationship that matters. If those things DO matter - than my advice is to see yourself out of that specific relationship with that person that is going to make those trivial things about you matter or make you less attractive or divide you from who they want you to be. You matter. No matter what you weigh, or what size you are... point blank, YOU should matter in your relationship, just as much as you think that the other person you're with matters. It should be a contrast that makes sense to you both, and if you're willing to go to that end of the line for your partner, they should also be willing to go to that same length with you in order to make it happen.
I'm not some relationship guru, or some advocate for domestic violence. I don't have a degree in psychology. I'm just a guy that cares about people and want people to have a healthy relationship with their partners. No one should ever be made to feel as though they are less than they are capable of being. If you are made to feel less than you are, you're probably not in the right relationship and might have to see your way out of it.
While every couple is different, and every persons boundaries are going to also be different, there are a few boundaries that all couples need to establish.
- What can you call each other when you're in front of each other, or out in public around other people, or even certain people?
This boundary comes down to respect. It's all about personal preference. Some couples can playfully call each other names and say things like "OMFG I'm going to kill you," and it's not a big deal because they've established boundaries around those types of behaviors. For other couples, those kinds of statements are off limints and can even hint at things going badly in a relationship. It truly depends on your relationship dynamic and what you're able to get away with. Is it all in playful fun? Is it being taken as funny and joking and is it actually fun for you, or is it hurting the other person? These are important things that need to be talked about, to make sure that you are not using trigger words around your partner, or using phrases that are going to make them feel as though you are dissected. If you have trigger words, you have to communicate them! Not only that, but they have to be cared about enough not to be used.
If someone is going to know what triggers you, or playfully arrange words to use, to specifically trigger you, you are probably being taken for an idiot.
- How will you fight and what arguments are okay, and how far can they go or not?
How will you settle arguments is probably one of the most important boundaries that needs to be set. If one person is upset, that's an important boundary that needs to be set. You need to be able to work together on these issues for ways of dealing with anger or sadness and frustrations. How will you treat each other when you get in these moods? You need to be able to establish what each partner needs when they are sad, mad, angry... etc.
- When will you be allowed alone time?
No matter how close you are, you'll both eventually need your space. Not only will you need alone time to reflect, but you'll also need solo time with your friends and family mambers. If you don't set up these kind of boundaires in your relationship, you'll not only cause problems in your relationship, but in the relationships of those you have with your family and friends. In healthy relationships, both people are free to come and go as they please, and spend time with whomever they chose. Talk with your partner about your expectations and rationalize your alone time and solo time and trust that it's healthy to be apart sometimes.
- How are you acting on social media?
Social media posts are kind of like public displays of affection. You might be okay posting all the romantic details of your relationship and airing your dirty laundry, but your partner might not be. Sometimes it's just simple that your partner doesn't want certain things about you shares with other family members or friends. You should be able to have a private life together and have those things be kept private while at the same time have the right to use your social media to talk to whoever you want about issues that might come up. You might not be okay with your partner chatting with exes online, or with certain people, but the point here is that you need to establish trust in your relationship where you are not going out of your way to disrespect those boundaries that you two need to set togehter.
- How are you two going to be flawlessly, or next to flawlessly, in love with each other?
You have to discover ways that you are going to compliment each other and have contrast to add to your lives together to make things interesting. The last thing a person wants is to feel as though their partner is uninterested in them, and will do things to go out of their way to make you jealous or get you into a situation where you are triggered. You shouldn't need a compass to love someone. Truly, all you need is to truly be in love and know that your partner is truly in love with you as well. But, you shouldn't need a guide that shows you how to love someone, or how someone expects to be loved right off the bat. You're going to have to be willing to compromise and also promise each other that you are both in it together so-to-speak.
If you need some sort of map that guides your love life, you probably don't understand the concepts that are laid out beautifully within the Bible or many other religious texts, but you need to be open from the beginning to have that sort of love and be able to hold up the candle together in the darkness. It's truly sad that many people out there cannot be trusted, and when you give your heart away to someone that you love and adore, other people you think care about you are willing to betray you, or hurt you and those betrayals hurt. They hurt a lot, and I'm sure you know what I mean. I don't have to explain this one. But, if people are going to lie, which people do for all sorts of reasons, you have to know that you are worth more. When there is love and trust involved, you deserve the truth no matter what it is, even if that truth makes you feel like crap for a while, you deserve to know the truth and have people that are not willing to put you in situations that are going to cause for you to have such huge heart ache that you don't know what to do with it.
I've been finding myself there, feeling empty from emotional abuse and neglect where my feelings are concerned and even told as though my fears are conspiracy's when it comes to the way that I was feeling with some things that were being said. When you give your heart away to a person and other people you care about lie to you and treat you as though you don't matter anymore, it should be a red flag as to whom you can trust. But you have to go with your gut instict sometimes and just know that it's something you're going to have to throw away, or discard.
Anyways, I have a huge long writing on matters that mean a great deal to me that I'm trying to get out in a healthy way. I also just feel like I deserve to not feel such huge pain from feeling let down by people I thought took time into considering that I had a heart. I guess, if anyone has any advice for establishing boundaries, please share them in the comments, and help in any way that you can.
It's not an easy place to be set in when you feel as though you could be being cheated on, or that there was words that were said that made you feel lower than ever, as if no one in the room truly cared how you'd feel or not, and then blames, making it your own fault that these things happened.
This just isn't true. Nobody deserves to make you feel that way, and you are being manipulated or gaslit when people do certain things that go against you, up to and including calling you names in ways to mean it. If they want to truly care about you, they're not going to be like that. They are going to consider you as a human being that has feelings like anyone else does. I just sometimes wish that I had someone to talk to about it who understands and takes my side of the story as something that is worthwhile talking about because, I'm sad in feeling that I can't bring it up, or I'm badgering my partner, and that I'm taking it too far to keep talking about it at all, when these people really didn't consider me in that it felt as though I was going to be cheated on regardless if I didn't want to be or not. It was just words that were said and I picked up on words as though they were speaking in code around me, until it became too much to bear. I left for a little while and just thought it was horrific to deal with. So, any advice here is greatly appreciated. Thanks.