Is there a future for a relationship with a married lover, or is it a psychological trap that they fall into voluntarily?
“My husband is returning from a business trip ...” Thus begins more than one hundred jokes on the topic of marital relations, betrayal and situations with lovers. According to various social surveys, about half of men admit their infidelity, and if they have not embellished their sex life, then there should be women with whom these same men change. And it is fair to assume that not all of these women are free. Quite often, clients turn to me with a request about a relationship with a lover, and much more often about a painful experience and painful experiences of a break. So is there a future relationship with a married lover? Here is what I think about this.
“Lovers” - from the word “love”, and “spouses” - in general it is not clear from what word.
Many naively believe that the relationship of lovers is based on mutual love, and even love, that these are the same relations of a man and a woman, like other relationships. No, my dears, this is not so.
The relationship of lovers is a mutual use, and not from the word "love." These relations are initially built on lies, and they remain so until their end.
I will explain now. I am not a moralist, not a hypocrite, and I am not guided by religious morality, giving an assessment. However, when entering into marriage, each of the spouses took an oath of allegiance in the presence of witnesses (that formal procedure in the registry office, you remember). A man and woman starting a relationship of lovers agree that one or both are married, and agree not to advertise this relationship. They become lovers, their status is “lovers”, and not the status of a couple. They will not appear in public, their pastime will be limited, at best, to secret romantic dates, or sexual intercourse.
Do you understand what I'm talking about? Lies spawned this relationship; lies followed them all the way. Why, then, are you surprised that someone lied more, or THERE he lied, but to me he does not lie? All this correspondence, flirtation, all these conversations, all this is part of one big illusion. Everything could look good until one (and more often one) does not begin to believe in the reality of these relations.
One uses the other, the other allows himself to be used, or he uses the first. A woman initially agrees to be second, not to be first and only, but to be on the sidelines, a fallback, an outlet! Call it whatever you like. Denying this fact is stupid.
Typical behavior of a male lover.
Take the situation when a man is married and a woman is free. How much I heard a lot of "fantastic stories" about such men. If they were at least a bit original, it would seem that they had read all of one storyteller.How do male lovers behave?
“I am a free man, my marriage is a formality”
Such men underline behave independently, when it may seem that he is truly free. In a personal conversation, he reluctantly tells that he does not live with his wife, or live like old neighbors, solely for the sake of children, or out of concern for the feelings of his wife, with whom everything is not in order. "Those. closeness with his wife for a long time, no feelings, there is a duty and formal marriage. And in all other senses I am a free man. ” Well, a soldier of the Salvation Army is simple! Well, what else can I say about this? “A decent father of the family and a promising man, we must take it!” The woman will think.
You can say anything. As is, in fact, it is worth asking his wife. Perhaps she has a different opinion, and she has her own interpretation of their relationship. And perhaps, precisely, for these couple of weeks she went on vacation or to mom. The girl learns about all this much later, and not everyone will make her happy. I know stories when women learned after a few months of regular meetings that a man is married and lives with his wife. How is this possible? From the banal “I have a lot of work on which I spend all the time and regularly go on business trips”, to more sophisticated methods of lying and deceit.
Among this category of men there are specimens that really live separately, lead a single life, but are formally married. They always have some reasonable argument about their stamp in the passport, but do not immediately believe such. Perhaps their stamp is a charm, like garlic against vampires, so here is the guarantee that no woman can encroach on the freedom of this man. Because when the conversation comes about getting married, these men will turn into the most caring fathers, ex-husbands and sons who cannot upset their close relatives, so "let's continue to live like we lived, now is not the time, baby."
“There are no feelings there, but here I feel love”
These men no longer hide their status as married, but talk a lot about sympathy and feelings for a woman, talk about how they lack it, admire, actively look after and make it clear in every way that, finally, they met that one, for the sake of which their mother gave birth to. Well, which of the women will refuse to be the only one? Who doesn’t want to be that Alyonushka, who with a kiss and love will turn a married monster into a fairy-tale prince? And according to this married man, she looks the best, she smells better, kisses more beautifully, and the Goddess is in bed! Maybe, really, this fate brought them together, and they were born for each other? Perhaps it is worth saving this man from a nightmare marriage, proposing in the future a marriage with the Goddess.Such women react painfully when they find out that a man was unfaithful to him and his wife, although he swore that they had their last sex on their wedding night and at the time of conception. Just think about the phrase: “He cheated with his wife! How could he betray me and our feelings ?! ”No! It was you who believed in the illusion that the only thing was with you in fact all this time he was cheating on his wife. Wake up!
“When I divorce, we will be together”
As long as a woman agrees to be on the sidelines, then to take first place, all these relationships are based on this promise. To promise is not to marry! Many do not remember this proverb. No matter how many times a woman raises the topic of divorce of a married man, each time she will receive a portion of promises that “now, soon, now is not the best time, I will return from vacation and talk with my wife, now we will solve the property or housing problem”. This divorce may never occur, but promises last for years. Do you know what is the most unpleasant in this situation? Not that a gullible woman has been drifted for years, but rather that, after a divorce, the man’s behavior will change dramatically, he will change his mind about getting married or finding a new wife. And it will not be you who have been waiting all these months. This will be a completely different woman, perhaps you even know her personally.
Two wives - two families.
Not the most common case, but it still occurs when a married man has a lover first, and then she gives birth to a child, but agrees to remain on the sidelines, in exchange for material support. So a man has two families: one is official, and the second is hidden from view. Perhaps the woman loved the man so much that she wanted a child from him and secretly hoped that he would abandon his official wife and begin to live with her. Perhaps this was the case, the woman decided to give birth, but was afraid to remain without support, so the role of the “second unofficial wife” appeared. There may be different options, different motives.
It is a “good option” to make both a woman and a child unhappy, who are forced to live in feelings of shame and guilt.
Is there a future for lovers?
I could not recall the proverb “you can’t build your happiness on someone else’s misfortune,” because it seems to me slightly moral, the “boomerang effect” and other isoteric things. Most are therefore aware that there is no development of a relationship with lovers. A few positive examples, when after several years of love relationships, people decide to marry and start living together.
But still we want to believe that our story is unique, and we simply must fall into that very happy exception. A roulette game has no less chances, but for some reason you do not carry all your savings.
To some extent, the rule “not to enter into a romantic relationship with married men” can really save you from a lot of pain and disappointment. But until you step on your own rake, someone else’s experience will not teach.
Mistress is hard to find emotional support.
As I already said, these relationships are built on lies and their lies will accompany them all the time.If you are a woman, you will not be able to speak openly with your family and friends about these relationships, you will need to hide them. Public opinion will not be on your side. Most of the women around you will present themselves as a cheated wife rather than express emotional support for you. No matter how strong feelings you feel for your man, he will not inspire confidence and sympathy for most of your loved ones. Have to come to terms with this fact.
If the legal spouse finds out about her husband’s relationship with you, then be prepared to meet with a mass of aggression, humiliation and threats. Those women who have gone through this, remember how the execution with a lot of slop. And what do you want from a wounded woman who is in pain of betrayal and is trying to defend herself in every way possible? Do not expect generosity and understanding! And do not really expect that your hero-lover will come to your defense, most likely he will hide by tail-tailing. Prefers to watch from afar, waiting for someone to win.
Or maybe I'm exaggerating? Maybe you have a great future? But then do not say that no one warned you!