Young hearts are too inexperienced to know the effort you need to put into marriage for it to endure the passage of time. Most people who marry right after high school have trouble adjusting to living with their spouse. Living away from their parents' home for the first time after high school is life changing. That's understandable.
Many eighteen-year-old males and females don't know the basics of being a renter, taking care of a home, budgeting, and handling finances. They have to learn by figuring it out once they move out. Along the way of getting the hang of it; they have to juggle the demands of marriage too. I know not a lot of people marry young, or marry someone in the military anymore, but there are those who do or plan to one day. I am married to an active duty service-member. These tips and insights are based on my personal experience and opinion.
Military Marriage (Active Duty)
I see it frequently in the military: couples who never lived on their own; aside from renting with roommates or living with parents jump at marriage. It can lead to a rocky start after the "honeymoon" phase ends. The more unforeseen immaturity & insecurities a wife or husband has the quicker one will contemplate or file for divorce. It's sad. The military has high divorce rates. Our men and women who serve have to fight for our freedom, but also fight divorce rates, and bankruptcy too. Let's dive into some things for those of you who think marrying someone in uniform is "so romantic" or "so Channing Tatum & Amanda Seyfried (Dear John)". Know what you are getting into or become more aware of the challenges military families go through.
If you aren't mature enough to handle the demands of a military marriage and a spouse's military career just wait. Before marrying, moving in, and leaving to his or her duty station grow into a bright adult first. It'll save you both the trouble of dealing with fallout due to not being prepared or adapting to change.
Before Marriage: Reach High Levels of Self-Improvement
Before marriage consider self-improvement. It's so easy for a partner to plan out a draft to what he or she expects in a marriage. Do they ever stop to wonder what their partner expects from them in a marriage?
I've noted women can be dismissive of a man's expectations (so can men) especially when they're immature and are dealing with a new environment. It's drastically unrealistic (and somewhat cold) the demands a woman can want in marriage when they're immature. So communicating is key but we'll get to that portion later.
Before someone can demand something from someone else: has that person made any improvement in their negative behaviors or strengthened any skills first? No or yes?
If it's a no on your end that's fine but you both must adapt to change. The only difference is your service-member is forced to adapt to change. Having someone enlist into the military means you will have plenty of time to improve on yourself. How so? Your first opportunity to do so will come when your loved one goes off into boot camp (or training). In the time he or she is away find the time to grow.
BOOT CAMP/TRAINING
Time will vary on how long he or she will have to be in training or in boot camp upon the service they chose to enlist into. For my husband who is a Marine: his boot camp was three months, then MCT was two months, and his MOS was three months. He left for boot camp in the middle of my full time semester and continued training for an entirety of 9 months.
We got married after his boot camp graduation but he still had to complete training before getting his duty station. Yes, we had a long distance relationship for almost a year, but we did great handling that bump. We've been together six years now and married for a year.
What elements were helpful to me that I practiced while he was away? (these will be helpful to you)
- Isolating and identifying toxic behaviors practiced internally within yourself that could bring arguments in marriage.
Insecurities, low self-esteem, and spurts of depression were mine.
- Identifying how to minimize them is critical. It is also vulnerable for you to do. It requires honesty with yourself, trusting you have the will power to change, and also grow.
Breaking down my personal issues:
My insecurities stem from my low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem because I believe I am not beautiful. I constantly compare myself to other women, instead of appreciating my own uniqueness, or improving the things I don't like.
My depression stems from childhood and adult trauma. I believe it is time I seek professional help in order to hone in strength to battle depression. I need the help of a professional to locate diffusion methods I can use that work for me. I want to know how to harness happiness. I want to be a happy source of joy in my household. I see happiness as a strength I desire to learn and grow within myself. I lack it because of my depression but I know I can achieve it.
What were the things I did not like in myself? Was I contributing to my own challenges?
My acne. My weight (two miscarriages with my husband led to my body changing) not terribly though but it could get bad if I kept ignoring it. My unaddressed and not taken care of depression and anxiety disorder.
- Research those behaviors or insecurities. Also find & seek out credible or professional resources. Find out what you can do to lift yourself into higher levels of self-improvement.
My Example, My Situation:
My acne does not make me feel beautiful, got it, but I am beautiful. What can I do to avoid acne break outs since that is what makes me insecure? Wear less makeup because it causes break outs when you have acne. Eat less sugars give up chocolate (high fructose corn syrup is bad business for the body). Drink more green tea. My final goal: seek help from a dermatologist.
How to go on about tackling my weight? Easy. Work out. I put in three months of gym time and it was exactly what I needed. The results paid off I felt confident again. My lifelong goal with weight: always make room to workout (running is my best friend I have committed to it).
Depression: I will enroll into therapy at my school using free resources at the student health clinic. I did the entire Spring semester (3 months). My goal after the semester was over: get on therapy through my medi-cal insurance and continue therapy (I ended up doing a year of therapy and I currently don't need it as I am stable).
- Praise your skills but don't settle with stagnation. Continue to grow your skills and learn new ones. Adapt to change. Finding new areas of growth will only make your partner be more in love with you.
Communicate & Share: What are your "I believe marriage should be _____" and the "What I believe marriage shouldn't be _____".
Burn those high expectations and grow into harnessing the desire for realistic ones. Why? Because if you don't the relationship will never work and will never grow. Make a chart on paper and laminate it. Have your partner do this exercise too. Make a simple list together (at your own time, together, or alone) of what I believe marriage should be & what I believe marriage shouldn't be. Exchange those lists with each other and commit to the expectations placed upon you (as long as they're realistic). Talk about them together to explain them or voice concerns.
Example:
What I personally believe marriage should be
- A willing bond where two people happily support, respect, and encourage each other to grow into a more mature version of themselves. Loyalty is rooted for one another.
- Sharing resources without argument: any income money is marriage money regardless if there is only one working income in the household.
- Keeping romance active: flirting, boosting each other's self-esteem when improvements are made in a skill (or when charting out goals), encouraging productivity, and understanding how to communicate concerns.
- Trusting one another.
- With above average income or below average income, in wealth or in poverty...we shall love one another despite the challenges any of those circumstances will bring in our future.
What I personally believe marriage should not be (from observing my parents' rocky marriage)
- infidelity (emotional or physical: digital media is a main culprit to cheating)
- misplaced anger on a spouse through curse words or physical abuse
- mocking a partner's appearance instead of encouraging and supporting improvement
- not believing in your partner's goals or dreams
First Duty Station: Adapt to Change, Always
The service-member carries the weight of freedom on him all the time quite literately. His schedule is not his and it is not your schedule to demand. His or her job will come first, his energy will go to his branch of service in the military before it can go to you, and you can not grow bitter because of that.
Sometimes he will work 20 hour shifts for a week or more.
Which means you will have to be the one to clean all the time.
Sometimes he will have field-ops and will be away for a month.
Which means he won't be able to use his cell-phone to check up on you or talk to you. If you don't have confidence, self-love, and security in your own self while he's gone it will be hard.
Sometimes he will barely have enough time to eat, shower, and sleep.
Which means there will be no room for romance that night but it will come, be patient.
After finally living together with a military member you will still spend a lot of time alone. Adapt to that change, be a good partner, and improve yourself. Because if you can motivate him or her it will make him have the mindset to keep pushing through the hardships service-members go through: deployments, field-ops, 20 hour work days, and so on.
Military Marriage: Adjusting to The First Year Quick Tips
Renting:
- Do you know where to start and what's important when renting off or on base?
- Will you follow leasing agreements and not be a disturbance to neighbors?
- Will you document properly before your move in, during your stay, and after you move out?
When you move into any place before you bring in your belongings documentation and a discrepancy list is vital. Take pictures of any damages (as well as video) and have a copy of that discrepancy list with you. This will avoid move out damages/costs that were not yours to begin with being charged to you.
Follow leasing agreements or you will get kicked out and risk having your husband (or wife) dishonorably discharged for breaking leasing agreement.
- You're under 21, don't underage drink, and throw underage drinking parties at your house.
- You're over 21, drink like a responsible adult at any parties you host. Make sure you are not serving alcohol to anyone underage.
- Make stupid choices win stupid prizes. It's true. Don't be stupid.
Managing a Home:
- Do you know the basics: cooking, cleaning, laundry, light maintenance, and taking care of pets?
- Can you finance, budget plan, hold a strong savings account, and avoid getting overdraft fees in any banking account?
- Do you own any investments? Are you buying silver, gold, or legally owned and registered weapons? Do you have some cash on hand in case you don't have access to an ATM in an emergency?
Being able to properly cook and learn how to make new meals is vital. If you decide to be someone who is going to support a military member, do it. You have to help him or her. As much as it would be nice if he or she can help a little in the house... no that's not happening.
Consider owning legal and registered weapons. Consider investing in silver or gold. You are maturing and you must be informed. You must be prepared: a key element in being an adult.
Be mature. Be an adult and play the supportive role. The pay out in doing that is great because it keeps your marriage healthy and happy.
Handling Finances:
- Is becoming a home owner a goal in your marriage?
You shouldn't have too much dependency and comfort in renting especially when being in a military marriage. When that career is over if he or she chooses not to retire through the military you need to have a place to fall on.
- Put aside money into your savings and know how to budget. Do not excessively spend on stuff you don't need. This eventually will end up being your down payment to owning a home through the use of the VA Home Loan Bill. 5% of the house's cost if you have bad credit or no credit at all.
Go Back to School: Get A Degree
Many of our military men and women die in training accidents more than when they are on deployments now. You will get the bare minimum if your service-member dies during a training accident: just enough for funeral expenses.
What are you going to do? You need to have a way to sustain yourself (hopefully this never has to happen to you or someone you know). Work on getting a degree that's dependable in generating you a salary that is comfortable enough for you not to suffer earning a wage. The world is a dark and cruel place. Adapt to change, any change, whether it's foreseen or unforeseen. This will bring comfort and less stress in your marriage.
Is Marriage Prioritized by Mainstream Media?
I'm a young wife who got married at 22. My husband and I have been together six years. We got engaged in the Spring of 2016 and married in the Summer of 2016. I'm going to be 24 next year. Here is what I have noticed:
Mainstream media brainwashes young people to have unrealistically high expectations when finding a partner. Immature people tend to eat those unrealistic expectations right up especially women. In turn, they are full with filler, and mental blockage that prevents them from finding a partner. Ultimately, people end up alone, or catch some S.T.D. and suffer through the agony of it. They won't prioritize marriage but they will prioritize sex. In marriage you have love, a secure foundation, and the ability to prepare with your partner for any economic collapses to come at us in the future.
Some of this advice I wrote about is based on my own personal opinion and experience. You can apply some of the advice into your life and hopefully find someone more easily because of a suggestion I have made. I wish for you to find happiness. Thank you for reading. I will be writing more articles on this topic in the future. I hope you enjoyed reading this.
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Sincerely,
Mrs. Raquel Campos