Sometimes it’s hard to know for sure what you can reasonably expect from your partner: Communication of the highest order must happen in every relationship, Zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. Not just with your partner — though this is absolutely a no-brainer — but with yourself as well.
But before you can resolve these specific questions, you need to establish the basics—the things you should ask, with confidence, from every relationship.
Affection: Your partner may express this either in words, behavior, or both, but physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, back or foot rubs, or holding hands is especially important in romantic relationships. Your partner should like you as a person, and be able to demonstrate that in a way that reaches you.
Compassion: When you’re hurting, you have a right to expect your partner to be, in the words of Phil McGraw, "a soft place to fall." He or she should be tender with you if you’re in pain. A partner's not obligated to read your mind, or be “in it” with you. They don’t have to feel the same way you do. It just needs to matter to him or her that you feel bad.
Respect: A good partner shows respect—for you as a person, and for your boundaries. Although he or she may disagree with you, there’s no name-calling or ridicule from a respectful partner, even in the name of “just teasing.” You should always expect mutual respect," BetterHelp telehealth counselor and psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. "You may not always agree, but you should at least be willing to hear each other out with an open mind," A respectful partner knows and admires your strengths, is gracious about your weaknesses—and doesn't willfully engage in boundary violations. You are bringing with you habits, stories, and baggage. It’s important to set limits to what you will tolerate. Respect brings awareness, choices and a healthy balance. In an article for Psychology Today, Dr. Peter Gray shares his thoughts about respect and love:
Consideration: A considerate partner thinks about how his or her behavior affects you. They don't have to give you everything you ask for, or do everything you want them to do, but they owe you the courtesy of considering things from your point of view. If a partner doesn't do this, he or she is treating you like a pet rock that doesn't need care or feeding. (And I know you're not that...because rocks can't read.)
Time: Every relationship is based on sharing at least some time together. It’s not so much quantity as it is quality. You can still have separate interests, friends, and hobbies. You are not asking for every waking moment, but you do have the right to desire precious time together. Time is very important in any relationship. In our busy fulfilled lives, time seems to be a expensive commodity. When you love someone, time is not an issue. It can’t always be helped if your partner has to be away. But if he or she rarely or never has time for you, or consistently rations the time you spend together, you might ask yourself how much more of your own time you're willing to spend pursuing them.
Interest: It’s reasonable to expect your partner to have a greater interest in you than the average person. At least some of your activities, opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. should hold his or her interest. A partner who isn’t interested in you as a person may be in the relationship just to avoid being alone—and you both deserve better than that.
Intimacy: Intimacy is not the same as sex. It means allowing yourself to be known, and wanting to really know your partner deeply. It’s about sharing and accepting your partner’s feelings to the innermost degree. Intimacy allows for vulnerability to be present without judgment, criticism, and abuse. Without intimacy, there is not much of a meaningful relationship. More than just "Are you a morning person or a night person?” genuine intimacy is being familiar with each other's emotional, vulnerable selves. Intimacy requires emotional closeness and trust.
To Be on the Same Page Re: The Future: Above all, clarity on your long-term plans is vital, Stefanie Safran, Chicago's "Introductionista" and founder of Stef and the City, tells Bustle. Whatever you ultimately want, if you're in a LTR, you have to be honest about this with your partner — and she or he needs to want the same things, Safran stresses. A truly generous partner enjoys helping, soothing, or finding other ways to benefit you. Such a partner doesn't necessarily give you material gifts or take you on fancy vacations. Giving oneself fully in relationship is the ultimate gift. To the extent that your partner offers you what's on this list, they're being generous.