Hello ladies and cartoonishly gay men of Lady Magazine,
After an upsetting meeting with our parent corporation, Plot Device Publishers Ltd., it has come to my attention that we at Lady need to shake things up. The frenzy caused by the introduction of free Tide pens in the kitchen area for those frazzled-woman-on-the-go coffee spills has died down, and it’s time to make some even bigger changes around here. To wit:
1.) At this point it seems clear that we simply cannot afford to hire any more harsh brunettes with blunt haircuts. We’ve had to bounce back from several frenemy backstabbing attempts this quarter, so I am putting my foot down—no matter what the brunette did to you during childhood or how much more compatible you may technically be with her fiancé.
2.) Effective immediately, we will no longer be accepting reported feature articles about handsome sports doctors, handsome puppy veterinarians, or handsome millionaire bad boys. Related: we will not be running uncomfortably personal, pages-long romantic mea culpas to any of the above types. Those seeking to profile a successful, eligible man must first submit evidence of the subject’s vape-pen collection, fondness for shell-based jewelry, or tendency to refer to his personal dwelling as his “pad.”
3.) Someone’s going to need to get Judy Greer out of the stockroom.
4.) The clothing and cosmetics in the fashion closet are for SHOOT USE ONLY. Stop viewing this area as your personal shopping mall/makeover-montage staging ground. Some of your more two-dimensional non-work friends have e-mailed me to say that you are not really pulling off these new looks. Additionally, if you have been prescribed glasses, it is important to the management of Lady Magazine that you honor that prescription, no matter who notices that, really, you’ve got such beautiful eyes under there. We’ve had several fall-related injuries in the last month alone, and although management has taken every precaution to minimize trip hazards in the building, we must all remain vigilant.
5.) Due to overwhelming demand, we’ve allocated the west conference room as a waiting area for male best friends who can no longer keep quiet about their real, probably reciprocated feelings. Please tell any friends who have been right in front of you this whole time that they may visit the designated area during lunch or after regular business hours.
6.) PLEASE don’t forget to bring several personally implicating and low-key humiliating pitches to Monday’s uneaten-croissants-and-insulting-puns meeting! As always, precedence will be given to public stunts and mild acts of psychological self-harm.
7.) Lastly, let’s give a warm Lady Magazine welcome to the newest member of our staff: Connor O’Neil, a British photographer and my ex-boyfriend, who has assured me that he is absolutely not here as part of some kind of elaborate bet. He’ll be staying in my guesthouse, just until he can find his own place.