It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm up. Up here alone in my place with just the stars in the night sky giving me company tonight. I don't like this feeling. The feeling of being alone and nothing much left to live for.
It wasn't supposed to be this way, I wanted to give me love and support to those around me. Yet here I am in this cold place with no one to talk to or someone to cry with. So I sit here, writing in my blog because I can sleep with all these thoughts racing in my mind.
I feel so lost recently and confused lately. Trying to put trust into people has failed. Utterly failed and it probably won't get any better anytime soon.
In 2022 I'm planning to move out of Canada. To where? It was going to be the Philippines but as of right now even that choice seems to be in doubt. I don't know. The person who said "I'll be there" drifts further from me each day and it's ripping my heart out.
I feel so much rage, sadness, regret and words I dare not mention here deep inside of me. There isn't family or friends here to share with so that's why I wanted to write it out here. Maybe in a past life I have lots of friends and supporting family, but not in this lifetime.
Maybe the move to abroad is just me trying to run away from something? I really don't know anymore. But all that I feel is that this place I'm at now is eating away at my soul each day and that will only lead to disaster someday.
The job I have now "pays the bills" but nothing else, and there have been a few times in recent months that I nearly broke down in tears in front of a guest or even on the phone. This was never me. I used to be full of joy and creativity but it feels all but lost now.
I really hope that the move abroad will give me a second chance in life, because I know that I'm slowly going insane. There are so many places I want to visit and explore. Yes, it would be ideal to have a "special someone" to share my travels with, but I've slowly realized that relying on other peoples trust and "word" only leads to regret.
I'm turning 36 on the 28 of December, I'm not sure there is much to celebrate at this point of my life. And once again, it's another supposed celebration that should be with others, but I'll be alone again.
This post is just me trying to vent out. I really do feel alone now, again, and it's eating away at me honestly. I just want to cry right now. Here in my apartment.
I'm tired of feeling alone.
Darcy Cardinal