i) Know when to present a matter.
“…. It is wonderful to say the right thing at the right – time!” Proverbs 5:23( NLT ).
It is a must that you understand the chemistry of your spouse. You must understand his/her temperament, moods and disposition. Understanding this will aid your communication with your spouse.
There is always the right time to speak to somebody and get the desired result. Find out this time and utilize it.
It might interest you to know that there are some issues you need to commit to the hand of God before you can discuss it with your spouse.
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3 (NIV).
The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases. Proverbs 21:1 (NIV).
ii) Learn to talk with your spouse.
Every human being deserves respect. A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare...4 Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:1,4(NLT).
Do your best to talk to your spouse with respect. Make it a mutual discussion and Jesus will see you through. Shouting, nagging, complaining will get you nowhere. The only thing they can offer is strife and strife is a door offer to the devil. 16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. James 3:16(KJV).
In learning how to talk with your spouse, you must apply self – control. Without self-control, it will be difficult to have an effective conversation and discussion. I have learned from experience that nothing good will come out of shouting at your spouse. Though am still struggling to totally overcome this evil habit of shouting, my joy is that I get better in communicating with my wife.
But thank God that self-control has been freely given to us as one of the fruit of the Holy Spirit. As a believer, you have to always collaborate and work with the Holy Spirit for your character and spiritual development growth and maturity.
iii) Be a good listener.
19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. James 1:19-20 (NLT).
Make sure you understand before you reply. Don’t always be defensive. Be quick to hear but slow to speak.
How to cultivate the habit of listening.
a) Listen with empathy.
Empathy is at its simplest; awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people. Empathy goes far beyond sympathy, which might be considered feeling for someone. Empathy is the awareness of other's feelings, needs, and concerns.
Listen to understand your spouse. Feel his/her heart. Infuse your mind to his/her own so that you can draw out the context of the message and his/her emotional state. Listen with your full attention. Don’t assume you know what he/ she is about to say or is saying. Don’t interrupt unless for the purpose of classification or to affirm to him/her that you are following.
b) Avoid been defensive.
Let people finish speaking before you try to answer them. That way you will not embarrass yourself and look foolish. Proverbs 18:13 (ERV).
When your spouse brings up an issue, concentrate on understanding your spouse rather than defending yourself. Be slow to speak. Don’t rush into your speech. Even when you want to speak let your spouse know that you understood her (you need to apply the gift of self-control and wisdom here. Therefore rely on the Holy Spirit). Shouting, nagging and complaining does not solve any issue.
c) Be slow to anger.
It is better to be slow-tempered than famous; it is better to have self-control than to control an army. Proverbs 16:32 (TLB).
Anger is not good at all. I am saying from experience. Anger has caused me more pain than anything else. Another thing that breeds anger in communication is been defensive. The act of been defensive is the root cause of anger in communication. My advice is; defend nothing, rather present things the way they are or the way you understand them.
d) Speak good words.
Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. Proverbs 16:24 (NLT).
Be mindful of your words. Don’t speak to get back to your spouse. Speak to calm him/her down and then communicate your point. Your words must be in grace.
Jesus said to the crowd if you know that you have not sinned before, be the first to throw a stone on this woman (see John 8:1-11). In other words, Jesus called all of them sinners mildly. He calmed their emotions down without offending them and still communicated His point. It was my wife that got my attention to know this. A day came, she told me that the best way to advice her is to talk to her gently and not shouting. I have tried this and it is working so well. Anytime I do otherwise, it will be like pouring water on a stone. It will yield no fruit. Kind words are honey indeed. It will always give you good results.