When I read your Secret Writer post, I Wish I'd Never Been Born I was struck immediately by how similarly I feel.

As I continued reading, it just became more spot on. It made me start thinking about my own experience with living for the sake of my loved ones and it made me think about how long I have lived my life feeling this way.

Just last night I fell asleep thinking "I wish I had died when I was in that incubator. I wish I had never been born." A thought that often runs through my mind. At least once a day, usually more, I think about how much I would like to be dead.

Another part of your story that hit close to home for me was how you said you have panic attacks when thinking about your parents dying. My mother is now mostly out of my life due to how abusive and toxic she has been but even now I get very anxious thinking about her death. When she was an integral part of my life I would have full-on hyperventilating panic attacks at the thought. When I found out she had hepatitis C I cried for 12 hours straight. Everything has always hurt me too much.

This brings me to the music.

I thought I was entirely alone in the fact hat I had to stop listening to music almost entirely. Most of the music I was into before was based on raw, emotional, lyrics. I thought it was helping me for years but eventually realized it just made me feel more depressed and now almost all my favorite songs send me into a morbid depression and amplify my desire to kill myself. There is nothing helpful about listening to "Between the bars" by Elliott Smith and thinking about how he stabbed himself in the chest. So, for the most part, I avoid music altogether now.

I was also addicted to speed, for years.

It was the strongest addiction I have ever had because it dulled the sadness and eased the anxiety and made me feel somewhat capable of getting through my day. I ended up kicking the habit but feel that I am now even more depressed because I know how it felt to be a bit better and had to go back to square one. I fear getting successful and financially stable because I would likely get addicted to speed or some other hard drug if I had access to it.

For me, I have nobody to "let down" since I have no family.

So, people have known about my depression but nobody knows the extent and most people think I have gotten entirely better for the most part. People are always telling me how strong I am and how much they look up to me. It is a weird thing to hear when I know that I am constantly thinking about my death inside my own head. I am pre-occupied with my own death and the thought of death in general.

My desire to die was strengthened when I lost my sister recently. I tried to kill myself twice since her death, which was ruled an accident but was really a suicide or at "best" a complete reckless disregard for her own life and a constant desire to be dead. She was very much like me, and you, in her desire to kill herself and when she actually did die I was upset that it wasn't me who had "succeeded" at finally escaping such a tedious life.

I have almost successfully died twice in my life. As in, I was rescued in the nick of time. One time I OD'd and started having a seizure and turned blue from a lack of oxygen and the second time I almost drowned in a tub while black out drunk. Both times were followed by a month or more of extreme disappointment and sadness that I have been "saved".

I feel like if only people knew how much pain every day life causes me they would understand why it is not selfish to want to be dead and actually it is they who are selfish for not allowing me the peace.

I just wanted to write this reply because of how much I related to your story. I am not sure of what advice to give but I am personally about to start therapy and possibly try out different medications. I am hopeful that the right combination of meds might make me feel some desire to live because right now the only thing keeping me doing is a fear of failing and being hideously disfigured or handicapped and the guilt of hurting my loved ones. More so, the former because at my worst I can pretty much push my loved ones entirely out of my mind in my pursuit for non-existence.

I must admit I am pretty terrified of how many mental illnesses I will be diagnosed with when I finally see a therapist.

I hope you find some sort of relief and thank you for writing such a powerful story and helping me to feel less alone.

-Secret Writer