This blog is part of a process of self-change that I am walking. The process is multi-faceted, some aspects are very structured, others are not, kind of like life. This particular part is structured, where I choose a word that I am not effectively living, break it down, and re-define it to a way that is supportive.
I found myself feeling out of place within the various homes I have occupied over time. I noticed certain friends of mine or people I meet sometimes seem to make a place their own more easily than I had managed in my life., but the truth is that I never really looked at this or asked myself if it was something I can change... until now.
I’ve moved around a lot in my life, and every time I would arrive at a new location I would have projections about what it would feel like to live there, and I would hold an optimistic outlook on how my life would be and how I would make this new place my home. I would settle in over time, but as time passed I would never quite be able to create this feeling I was looking for, the feeling of being ‘at home’.
The repeating cycle that would occur is that the new apartment would become messy and disorganized and financial and other stresses would inevitably arise and plant their roots in my mind and thus be reflected back to me by my environment. Soon most things in the house would cause a negative reaction in me, such as anxiety for example, as I would see things I was neglecting or unfinished projects I would judge myself for having abandoned. Slowly, over time I would lose my authority in the situation, as I would lose authority over myself and my actions, and this unfortunately leads to a lack of order and direction, which creates an environment that is not conducive to healing, growing or expanding. This environment is actually more conducive to perpetuating anxiety, overwhelmingness and other self-limiting patterns, wherein I become the product of the environment I have created, instead of the environment becoming the product of me as I create myself into someone that is striving to meet their utmost potential.
In this blog I’ve taken up looking at this word ‘home’, and I have decided that it is time for me to decide how I am going to re-define the word ‘home’. This way, I can apply that definition into my daily living, thus creating a living word for myself, wherein slowly over time, one word at a time, I will create a ‘living vocabulary’ and thus, a new life for myself on My Terms – not the terms of the disorder.
The word home, a defined in the dictionary, means:
the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household:
Sounding out the words (what hidden words or phrases can I see within the word?)
HOnor ME - (home is a place where I honour myself, and my internal/external environment should reflect that)
HOne in on ME - (Home is a place that I know in the utmost detail, and when attention is needed somewhere, I hone in on it. If something requires attention and is not getting done, I first hone in on me – my mind – to check why am I not moving myself to tend to the task)
HarmOny in ME ( Home is a place where I create as little friction as possible, where events and play-outs are directed by me in a way that creates them to be beneficial to me, supporting and nurturing my growth and development).
HOusing ME ( Home is the physical location that is housing me, whether it is in my body or my house, and it therefore requires to be physically maintained: kept clean, tidy, organized, well presented, and practical for me).
I like how in the ‘sounding out’ of the word I see a focus on ‘me’, before only considering the physical location, because this way home can be wherever I am. The dictionary definition states that a home is the place where one lives ‘permanently’. This can be complicated for someone in my situation who has for so long been living temporarily in different locations. If I were to limit myself and my experience to the dictionary’s definition, then I may react by feeling things like lost, homeless and self-pitying, because, according to the dictionary definition, I don’t have a’ home’! This can potentially be disempowering, because it’s important to have a place and a space within which to grow and be grounded, and without one I feel ungrounded and like I have no place, This is the kind of potential consequence of not fully investigating the words we are living and defining ourselves according to.
I would like to instead Empower myself by creating my own definition for the word home. This new definition is not just a physical location; it is a living and a doing, internal and external. ‘Home’ is actually who and how I am within myself, and the physical location is simply an extension of myself, so that by extension, it also becomes my ‘home’.
Home:
Orderly – I have a place for things and I address and tend to all components as necessary.
Safe – it is a safe place/space because as I establish the environment I want to create, such as developing self-acceptance (no judgment) and self-discipline (stopping OCD patterns, keeping everything in order etc), my mistakes, falls and slip-ups are immediately forgiven, and the slate is clean for me to learn from the experience and try again. In my home environment, internal and external, I forgive myself, I learn, I expand.
Directed - Home is where I prioritize what needs to get done, and I move myself through the tasks. This is Self-direction, where I am the one that assesses my home’s needs – my body as food, water, exercise, relaxation etc… my house as groceries, cleaning, decorating etc… in my home, I push myself to get everything that needs to get done, done.
Update:
I have really enjoyed living this re-defined word. I have been making spots for everything in my environment, and pushing to stay consistent with putting items back in their place. I have made some small investments into decorations, candles, plants and furniture that I chose from a starting point of creating my space as my home.
The process of self-change is not an instantaneous one, and I know it will take time. But already I am experiencing myself differently in my environment. It is warm and comforting and I do feel at home there, more so now than ever. I also find myself doing more constructive things in my space, which is always cool. Greatful to have learned the process of re-defining and living words, as I have expanded my living vocabulary to include more words to support me at work, out with friends, and while I 'm alone with tasks and obligations.