"What the ...?
Flip Flops and Emotions? What are you talking about?"
You might think now. Haha.
I can tell you ... a lot!
I think i was wearing these flat shoes without a roof and walls for almost 2 seasons now and i finally came to the conclusion it's time to let them go. To my embarrassment they became a bit smelly, and women started to sense the odeur .. Boy im happy they didn't figure out exactly where its coming from ... But i liked them ... They were comfortable, were protecting me from things which could potentially hurt me like hedgehogs or hornets on the ground. And i liked the way they look, or lets say ... the way i think they were fitting to the way how people perceive me so they gave me a confidence boost ... I was identified with my flip flops ... ok now you can say i'm crazy! Or maybe you can relate with your fancy schmancy desert boots?
An early Conclusion: They were good for me for a certain period of time and gave me some protection. After a while i was realising, they don't serve me anymore and bring me more problems than joy. But i was hanging on to them for too long. I was resisting to what is. It's just the way how life works. Things come, things go. Or as Buddha once at dinner said:
"The only constant in life is change"
So why is that? Why do we cling on to certain things, although we know they are not good for us anymore and it's time to let them go and make place for new things?
Is it out of habit? Is it maybe because we think thats the best thing we've ever had, there's nothing better coming, EVER?
NNNNNNNT! Wrong, Nein, Niet, Nada, Nowroidatch!
It's a thing called
f
e
a
r
.
"Fear and Flip Flops?"
you might ask me now.
And i say: YES!
Some Scientists say, that your brain wants to protect you. All the time. It wants you to survive. Or is it just selfish and wants to survive itself? And if so, is your brain a separate entity?
And i say again: YES!
There is your true higher self, and there is your Ego-Self. Your true self is more connected to nature, it is nature, it's just flowing, you don't think about it. Your Ego-Self is the Version you think is the acceptable you. The You that society acknowledges.
So what was that with the flip flops again?
Watch them as a metaphor for your emotions. When you get born you are that wonderful little thing that everybody loves, although you scream all night and keep your parents up all night long. You poop in diapers, need to get fed and surrounded with touches and love in order to survive. As you grow up and develop this skill called "walking" you start to hear
"Oh no, don't go there" "Don't touch this" "Don't stick this in your mouth" "Don't ...." I think you get what i mean.
After a while you start to wonder "Is something wrong about me?" "Why do my parents all the time tell me don't do this or that, although i just want to explore. It's just in me and i want to learn how the world works". Then after some years you start to develop your own character and opinion and this brings certain characteristics with it. Maybe you wanted to scream and being loud just because you liked it. Or you wanted to say your opinion out loud. Or the opposite, you just wanted to keep your thoughts about something for yourself and are more a quiet person. But when you have parents who are not tolerating a certain behaviour, you start to put away certain emotions and feelings in order to survive. Remember?
You want to please your parents. Of course you are not conscious about this at all, you just need a home and something to eat. And when you are 12 years old, quite difficult to manage yourself i would say.
Speaking about me, my parents always told me i'm a shy kid, quiet, well-behaved. My brother bullied me since early childhood. He's 12 years older than me and was "the loud kid". He hated that all over the sudden i got all the attention. Or at least, that's the story he's telling himself. But that's worth another blogpost. Of course i was not conscious about the bullying. For me it was just normal.
So growing up in a household, where my confidence couldn't thrive, next thing i was entering was a thing which was called kindergarden. My so called "educators" there treated me, let's put it this way, not in a way, which was beneficial for my confidence. Continuing to primary school, same story. So after a while, i was creating this story that something is wrong with me. Something is just not right with me. Did i mention, the bullying continued in primary school? No? well ok.
Then in middle school, the bullying continued as well, of course. I was the unpopular kid with the good grades, nobody could stand. Writing these lines, brings up some old pain. Which is good, so i can process it. Anyway, i bet you are still asking whats the comparison now with emotions and flip flops? Well, i gonna tell you ... now we are getting finally to the core what i actually wanted to express with that blog article.
When i came to middle school, my insecurities went bigger and bigger. No friends, the girls i liked were not interested in me at all, of course. Then in grade 6 or so, we had sex education classes. There, i've seen for the first time in my life homosexuality, showed on screen. Back then, this was 1995 or so, homosexuality was seen a very bad thing in my area i lived in Germany. My family wasn't it supporting it as well. Guess what? Subconsciously, again, i was thinking to myself
"Hang on a minute, homosexuality is wrong. So when something is wrong with them, then i must be gay as well, because all my life people gave me to understand something is wrong with me".
And another nightmare begun. Before, i never thought about it. But since then, i was obsessed about it. Funny fact is, that i found men never sexually attractive or arousing. It was just this seed planted in my mind. And cost me many opportunities with women i found attractive and hot. Another Blog article ...
Since some years, i'm waking up from this nightmare and i had this epiphany with my flip flops some days ago.
I was creating this story about being gay (which was considered to be bad) to protect myself. Why?
Because i was scared being bullied when i would be more visible for others. Because every time i tried to speak up or show myself how i really am, i got bullied even harder. That was my experience.
Plus i was terrified if people would find out that i'm gay, they would beat me up or my family would abandon me. So fear was the perfect mechanism to protect me from getting bullied. An absolute nightmare.
So there you have the connection: My created story, which was carried by fear, was protecting me from a lot of pain, emotionally and physically. My flip flops protected me from getting hurt my feed, getting something drilled in my flesh. But i kept them for too long. They started to rot and get stinky. The sole started to get thinner and thinner and holes were beginning to grow. They became slippery when wet. Does that sound to you like a supportive tool? Like something which is beneficial for you and carries you to places you deserve and belong to? NO!
So my story i mentioned earlier .... It cost me wonderful moments with stunning women. It cost them wonderful moments with a stunning men. So it was time to let them go and move on. With new tools, which are beneficial for me. Which are beneficial for this wonderful creatures called women.
But for the reason my flip flops taught me a lot, and they mean a lot to me, and i honor them .... I just couldn't throw them away with no emotions, of course. So i was
A) writing a whole blog article about them ;)
and B) putting them NEXT to a public trashcan (I live currently in Sarajevo Bosnia & Hercegovina) where homeless people look for items they could need.
Today i believe, there are no "bad" feelings. They had a purpose. I was just clinging on a bit too long to them. So now they have to move and serve other people.
My goal with this blogpost is, that you ask yourself what are the feelings you are holding on for too long? What are the feelings and emotions they initially helped you to survive a certain era of your life. And disable you now from reaching the next stage in your life?
To me, this blogpost marks a milestone in my life.
Where's your next milestone?