Jealousy is a rather immature emotion in man, I think. I am not free from it either. But this has not been a painful aspect of my life and will not be any more. We all feel that we are occasionally attracted to someone and it is probably the unknown that attracts us, the new thing about an encounter. An attractiveness that made me think about fidelity again and again at a young age. I must confess that without occasional infidelity I would not have lived out the sexual energy you speak of. I would have stayed with what seemed safe to me. In addition, I thought that no man would have a claim on me and felt stubborn resistance to engagement and marriage.
My first long-term relationship was an experiment in living together and getting to know each other, but sexually I felt trapped. It was not until the 30s that I began to venture further forward and to explore and fathom my femininity better. It was a very exciting, albeit selfish time, if you will. I suspect that we modern people need much longer to mature. On the one hand, I am happy to have given in to my thirst for adventure and to meet a man who wanted to experience this adventure together with me. For this we paid a high price and we injured other people. The moral construct in which we live cannot be ignored. But at times I also thought that I could have affairs without having to feel guilty, like Benoîte Groult did in her books.
The fact that you and your husband openly address these issues is of great value. We do the same and it helps us to stay authentic. I am amazed that you would have wanted to raise a child without your husband. This is very unusual because motherhood is initially also vulnerability and need for protection. At least that was the case for me. I wanted security. Only later did I question this need.
With everything I think, it is not a matter of pleasing someone, in the sense of complaisantly presenting oneself. It is, as I experienced, the unconditional acceptance of each other. The dropping of all masks and reservations, the will to surrender oneself totally. To do this, women need men who are curious about the female sex and want to give them the greatest possible pleasure. To take them beyond the top of what they didn't know could be any further. I think a man must completely forget his own desires and turn to the woman in so far as he provides her with all the craftsmanship and orchestral talent he is capable of. Without this masculine virtuosity both will have no ecstatic moments and will always remain below their possibilities.
I was never out to give pleasure to a man, but always assumed that my sexual pleasure must be sufficient for both. This has been confirmed and I have never experienced greater joy in being together between man and woman as with my present man.
His unselfishness finally brought him the greatest benefit in his sexual experience. By "forgetting" himself (his own needs), I could also forget myself. I admit that I see my female body more as an instrument that wants to be played skillfully than as a player. I am the receiver and by receiving unconditionally I give the greatest of myself.
Does that make sense to you?
I hope you are going to uncage your sexual energy to the fullest.
RE: What I talk about when I talk about...