Let me get this straight…
We were supposed to cry, clutch our pearls, and prepare for the economic rapture because Orange Man slapped a few tariffs on Communist China?
They swore on their Wall Street wine collections that the stock market would crash, unemployment would skyrocket, and we’d all be bartering eggs for insulin in a Mad Max wasteland.
Instead?
📊 BREAKING: THE U.S. ECONOMY — STILL NOT DEAD!
• 📈 GDP: +3.0% growth in Q2. That’s after “experts” predicted 2.3% and were polishing their Nobel Prizes.
• 🛒 Consumer Spending: Up 1.4%. Guess Americans still like food and socks.
• 🚢 Imports: Dropped 30.3%. That’s a thirty percent plunge in cheap junk we don’t need.
• 💼 Exports: Down a bit, but hey — at least we’re not importing half the planet anymore.
• 👷♂️ Actual jobs: Starting to come back like that deadbeat uncle who swears he's “changed.”
But go ahead, tell me again how “Trump doesn’t understand economics.”
Tell it to the economist who hasn’t left his Georgetown condo since 2009.
🤖 WHO’S NOT WINNING RIGHT NOW?
• ❌ Tech bros who get nosebleeds if they leave the San Francisco zip code
• ❌ Politicians with stock in Chinese solar panel companies
• ❌ “Experts” who thought NAFTA was going to make Ohio the next Tokyo
• ❌ Every talking head on TV who uses the word “nuanced” to justify screwing over factory towns
🧳 REMEMBER NAFTA? TPP?
Oh yeah — those brilliant deals where:
• We shut down U.S. factories
• Gave tax breaks to corporations to move overseas
• Let them dodge U.S. labor laws
• Then watched them ship goods back here tariff-free while your cousin got laid off at the plant
And if you complained?
You were “anti-progress” or “xenophobic” — or worse: you probably owned a flag and knew how to use a drill.
🤡 BUT “TRUST THE EXPERTS,” RIGHT?
You mean those experts?
• The ones who said printing trillions wouldn’t cause inflation
• The ones who swore COVID lockdowns wouldn’t wreck small businesses
• The ones who said gas stoves are the real enemy
• The ones who own 5 homes but lecture you about climate change
Yeah, those guys are batting a solid 0 for 20. But hey, maybe the 21st prediction will be spot-on.
🧨 AMERICA FIRST ≠ APOCALYPSE
Turns out:
• 🇺🇸 Bringing jobs back = good
• 🇺🇸 Protecting workers = moral
• 🇺🇸 Stopping China from owning our economy = smart
• 🇺🇸 Prioritizing American families over multinational stockholders = not fascism, actually
But keep crying about “isolationism” while real Americans work two jobs to afford eggs.
🥴 FINAL THOUGHT (BEFORE ZUCK PUTS ME IN TIMEOUT AGAIN):
If putting our own country first makes you uncomfortable,
just say you prefer being ruled by a global supply chain and call it a day.
As for the rest of us?
We’re done outsourcing our backbone.