I don’t really know where I am going with this blog, I just have the urge to get this down in writing, to try and give some insight into how intuition/being an empath works for me, and my own perceptions around it.
It’s been a heavy week, and I am now starting to think that my weird experiences of last week outlined in my previous blog, were possibly some sort of recharge/preparation for the weekend I’ve just had.
I need to lay some groundwork first though. In my Precog Dreams Blog, I talk about the passing of my cousin Dean, and my premonitions of it prior to the event. What I did not mention is that he has a daughter, who was 4 years old when he passed. I will call her Alice for this blog.
Alice is 17 now, soon to be 18. She was living primarily with Deans parents, her mother was in University (they were teenagers having Alice) and was seeing her mother on the weekends/some week nights. So my aunt and uncle are Alice’s grandparents. I did have a very close relationship with them up until about 5 years ago, when Alice was 12, that was the last time I saw her until recently.
What I also have not previously mentioned is that the family on my mother’s side, is a giant migraine. There are 8 siblings, all of them with great personal issues/narcissists as a result of generational cycles of abuse. My mother and Dean’s mother/Alice’s grandmother are two of those 8 siblings. I am not in contact with my mother, or any of them, minus a handful of cousins and my siblings.
The 8 siblings between them have produced 24 first cousins, and there are about 5 or 6 second cousins now. Out of all the cousins produced by the 8 siblings, there has emerged a handful of empaths/healers, myself, Dean, and Alice being three of them. I do not know most of my cousins well enough at all to give a number that low, however I do only need very brief interactions with another empath to spot them. There are a handful of others who are strong potentials, but the narcissistic toxins infected them, and they switched sides. Dean’s mother and sister are two examples of this, beneath the surface they have massive hearts of light, dimmed out by the infection.
I feel as though it’s very easy for an empath to become a narcissist, the difference being in these instances, that the light is not absent, it’s just been switched off as a defence mechanism. When the capacity to love is that great, so is the capacity to hurt, and this is our greatest battle.
My relationship with Dean’s family developed much stronger after his passing, contact with them through my teenage years had been sporadic due to family politics. When Dean passed I was able to drive, and naturally my empath side gravitated towards them and I became very involved with them for 7-8 years, spotting Alice’s energy and developing a very strong bond with her during that time.
Unfortunately, after more family complications and burdened by a pain unimaginable to myself, their levels of grief far outweighed mine, I feel as if it consumed them, and over time, unknowingly they started tearing me down. I still fought on for a while trying to break through, naturally sensing the good in them and desperately trying to help them, but my state of mind was not fantastic, and I decided to cut them out of my life.
Not saying I am a saint and I never did anything wrong, or that was the right thing to do, I did not try and discuss it with them, but I strongly felt that it would amount to nothing from past experience. Anyway, that was the decision I had made, it was painful, and especially when I pondered how hurt Alice could potentially have been by that decision. They are so complex that me maintaining a relationship with only Alice could have caused many issues for her, and so the last time I saw her she was 12.
I always had it in the back of my mind that when she was 17/18 and hopefully on the road, I would reach out to her and she could make her own decision and hopefully this would not cause any repercussions. We had connected on facebook 2 years ago and messaged each other a few times a year, just checking in, but nothing huge. I didn’t want to pry or say too much as I did not know her situation, if she was living with them and not her mother it would have been likely her account was being monitored.
Since I cut them out I had wondered if Dean was angry with me, I decided myself that he was, and I stopped reaching out to him, and stopped visiting his grave. Something I am not proud of, but more than once, on the anniversary of his death I have sent a prayer to him, saying sorry if I caused his family any pain, but I needed to do it, and I just wanted to let him know that if Alice ever needed anything, or was in trouble, to find a way to let me know, that I would be there for her always.
Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. I am in my dining room, meditating. After a short while I become aware of a presence in the room, it’s just up ahead over to my left a bit. I feel things like this often, freak out, and go and do something else! Ha. For some reason I didn’t freak out, I was just still holding a connection with this energy, it somehow felt familiar, like I had felt it before, and I was confused. So I made some tea, went to the living room and had a cigarette. I pondered it, I was intrigued now, what was that?
I put one some meditation music and went back into meditation, to see if I would feel it again. It didn’t take long, I could clearly sense the same energy again, but sitting on the other couch to my right. I opened my eyes to look, I could not see anything, but when I looked somewhere else and the couch was in my peripheral vision, I could see some one sitting there casually, arms back, legs spread comfortable, like a friend would sit at your place, I couldn't make out details, just the outline. I shut my eyes and asked who are you? The energy then came in much closer to my face, as if there was another face inches away from mine, I startled a bit, but then I had a warm feeling and Dean popped into my head……..Dean, is that, yes it is, it’s why I recognise it, I have felt it before just not for a few years.
I was filling up with excitement, but my thoughts were interrupted by the name and image of Alice filling my mind. My stomach knotted, is she in trouble? But the connection was lost, this is why being mindful and practising it is so important, I need to be fully present when these things occur and deflect unwelcome thoughts or feelings, I did not, I reflexively reacted to the information and most likely cut the connection, but it was enough. Alarm raised.
I didn’t act straight away, as always my doubtful mind kicked in, maybe you put the image of her in your head because you thought it was him, maybe you were wrong maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was all in your head, but I had decided well ill make contact anyway, and was planning to on the weekend, don’t know why I delayed it, probably a bit fearful. Before the weekend came, she contacted me. This was the second alarm, we had not spoken at all this year, 3 days after I think her dad tried to tell me she needs help, she then sends me a message whilst I am arguing with myself about whether I made it up. It only said, Hello, how are you? But I instantly realised that he had dropped the thought to contact me into her head, I stopped doubting myself.
I knew this would happen one day, since she was tiny, I just friggin knew this situation would come to play, My.Head.Hurts.
Our schedules didn’t have a free time slot for 2 weeks, so we arranged a meeting for then. Turns out, she travels from where she lives, to the college in the town I have moved to……..talk about lining up.
One of my brothers wanted to come along and re-connect with her also, but I asked him not to this time, I wanted to be able to read her and try and get a feel of what’s going on. This is not random, somethings wrong. I am not going to divulge her personal struggles on here in case my identity is known down the line. We met for coffee and talked for 2 hours, she told me enough for me to realise there was far more to it, that she was holding back a great deal, and that like the other empaths in the family, she’s wanting to fix everyone else, is a target for their outbursts, and she’s surrounded by toxic people at home, at work, at college, with no idea of her gifts. Mission Accepted
I said I would arrange a dinner with my other siblings and her as they would all love to re-connect, somehow 4 weeks slipped by, everyone’s busy, then we were all free and she was busy etc, but still my bad. We had been talking via messages though. On the weekend, on Saturday Alice was in my head a lot that day. I had told her she’s welcome here any time, just pick up the phone I will drive the hour to fetch her. So, anyway, she’s in my head often that day and I realise how long it’s been, and message my siblings to see if they are free any time in the week so we can actually arrange this dinner.
Before they responded, she messaged me on Sunday, again just asking how I was, but I knew I had left it too long, she needs to talk. We were both free at the end of the week, she had 2 hours free one afternoon, so I said id fetch her from college and take her back to the bus to get home. I had a few strange experiences last week, which I wrote about, one of them resulted in me taking a sick day on Thursday, during which time I totally recharged. I met with Alice on Friday, for what I thought would be a 2-hour cup of tea and a chat. It turned into an 8-hour therapy session. We talked for 8 hours solid only stopping for toilet breaks and to make more tea. I was exhausted by the end of it, but glad about it. She had a horrendous day on the previous Saturday, the day she was frequently in my mind. I asked her why she didn’t call me, she said she thought about it but didn’t want to burden me. My heart bled, words I frequently say myself. I told her she had frequently been on my mind, and that I would act on that next time too.
I drove her home as she has a Saturday job, and had work in the morning. My niece was coming to spend the weekend with me as she was also feeling down, and an ice-skating rink had opened in a near by town for the festive season which we were going to. I would pick Alice up from work the following day and the 3 of us would go ice skating and have a bite to eat.
My niece and I arrived at her work place early and enjoyed a hot chocolate. Alice was having a hard time in work, one of the youngest ones there, in an all female work place, intelligent, beautiful, vulnerable, and an empath = target. She had told me about 2 women in particular giving her a hard time there, but did not describe them. There must have been about 10 staff on when we arrived. I went to the counter to order our drinks. The lady was polite, happy, as I handed her the money, my stomach knotted and I had the overwhelming urge to punch her in the face. This is how my intuition works, my body has a reaction before any such thought enters my mind, often I miss it, but if I am mindful it's as if my body is trying to communicate with me. I became aware of the reaction this time, and realised she must be one of the two, hence my urge to punch her in the face. I smiled instead as you know this is how you get by in the world, when Alice finished her shift, I pointed this lady out to her and said shes one of the two, the worst one? She gave me a really weird look and asked how the hell did you know that?
Ice skating was so much fun, we all had a lovely afternoon. The reason my niece was with me is because her parents have split up, her dad has a new partner who has her own children and she’s not adjusting to the whole thing. She was coming to stay with me for a break from it all. Rather unfortunately, we bumped into her dad and his new family there, I absolutely could not fathom it, he had actually been told that we were going there.
After an hour of tears, comforting her and awkwardness, I finally convinced my broken-hearted niece to come and have some food. During that hour at one point she stood with her head down towards the floor crying, and would not look up. We were surrounded by people, her dad left, I got on my knees so I was looking up at her and was talking to her. I could feel how tense I was, my voice was shaking as I spoke, this intense wave of sadness came over me, no anger, just pure sadness. I realised, for a change, that I was absorbing her emotions and this was not good. Simultaneously whilst comforting her, I visualised tree roots coming out of my feet into the earth, then visualised a lazer ring of light starting off at my head, working it's way down and pushing these unwanted feelings out of my body, and picturing a shield around my self. It dawned on me I had not done this once. If you don't know anything about energy work and why im visualising stuff, thoughts are energy, and this thought/intent creates a ripple effect/reaction in your energy body- you can learn to work with it if you're open to it, and is essential if you're pursuing a light worker path.
We found a nearby chip shop which was still open and ordered some grub. My niece was slowly starting to come around, refraining from crying to take a mouthful of food. Alice had stepped outside to take a call. When she returned, she felt really different, I asked her if she was alright, she burst into tears.
I am now in a café with one sobbing 10-year-old, and one sobbing 17 year old. Picture my face.
The only thing I could do was laugh, they both looked at me confused and asked why I was laughing. I told them that everyone in here or walking past the window which we were sat next to, will think that I am the most horrendous woman ever as I have made you two cry whilst having food!!! This looks so bad on me! With that they both burst out laughing. Alice divulged her phone call, and I insisted she spent the night with me, she didn’t want to stay, I think she felt she was intruding because my niece was with me, but I convinced her to come back with us for a few hours and I would drive her home later, didn’t matter about the time. She agreed. As we left and I paid for our food, I got some rather strange looks from the staff, I could barely hold the giggles back, when people are so lacking critical thought I actually find it funny.
We all got back to my house, I put the heating on, threw blankets over everyone, my niece put something on the tv and video called her mum, I took Alice into another room to have a chat. She sat there sobbing her heart out, and I’ve felt every single thing she is describing. She appears to be screaming out for help with no one taking much notice, just projecting their own reasons for her behaviour onto her, and punishing her when shes not doing anything wrong other than suffering in silence. She also tried to get some counselling via the doctor, but due to the state of the national health system in the UK, she's on a waiting list, of up to 6 months. We talked about a lot, my niece was coming in and out, I told her im sorry our night isn’t as planned, she said- it’s ok, I know Alice is upset and she needs you too. That kid is a hero.
We left to take Alice home and got back in at 12.30 am. She still wanted to watch a movie, so I watched a movie with her. She fell asleep, and I went into the bedroom where my partner was, he asked how our night was. He had not been home long. I couldn’t be bothered to talk, my whole body was aching, I literally physically ached, I said I just want to go to sleep, we had a good afternoon, but tonight’s been heavy.
I woke up on Sunday exhausted, but I promised my niece to go for a walk on the beach, and I wanted to do some probing to see if she would talk before her mother was coming at lunchtime to get her. We went out to the beach, had a hot chocolate, and went to the park. She did open up, some more therapy work there, her mum arrived and stayed for a while. I slept a little, then one of our friends called over in the evening so we were all chatting for a few hours.
I don’t normally work on Monday’s but offered to as I called in sick on Thursday. My alarm went off this morning, and I just physically could not move. I had no energy at all, completely over done it, but still felt proud at what I had accomplished this weekend, I feel like I have done good. I hit snooze and did not wake up again until 1pm when the post man rang the doorbell.
Ah shit. I can’t be bothered to call work, they might have a go at me and I just can’t deal with that right now. I'll just go in tomorrow, i'll deal with it then. My partner popped home shortly after, was not too impressed that I did not go into work, I get it. But I used to keep pushing myself when I felt like this, and I ended up really hurting my mental health. I needed to rest, and feel a little comfort in hoping that I had at least earned a little bit of help in dealing with my bosses for not going in twice, maybe someone above will help with that, it’s not because I can’t be bothered, it’s because I answered a calling, I am doing what I came here for.
But I could still potentially get a proper telling off tomorrow. I hope not. My partner is away 2 nights this week and so Alice is coming to stay and will go to college from here. She's officially under my wing now. I must point out that I do not believe that her mother is a narcissist. She works nights and from what I can gather is not a bad person, but when you've birthed an empath, and you don't know it, you become a very sharp knife constantly slashing at the empath due to their intense sensitivity and the vast amount of love they have for you, regardless of how badly you keep hurting them.
Much Love
MyIndigoInsight