Translated from the Coptic by William A. Meyer (extract)
And after the serpent had departed, Adam and Eve quickly hid themselves for they now knew that they were naked and in trouble.
And God came down into the garden and called out: “Adam, where the hell are you, Adam?” And he continued to look for them, and then he cried: “Adam! Eve! come out from your hiding and tell me – hast thou eaten the fruit from the forbidden tree?”
And Adam and Eve didst come out from their hiding and Eve said to the Lord: “We are sorry, but there was this big snake what tempted us by saying we should become as gods and that we shouldst knowest the duality of good and evil, shouldst we eat thereof the fruit of the tree of which you are speaking.”
“Hmm…” God said, scratching his chin, looking perplexed and puzzled. “It was a snake, you say?”
“Yes,” Adam replied. “It was a snake in the grass, a serpent what could speak English, and he tempted Eve to eat the apple from the forbidden tree and then Eve gave me a bite as well.”
“I see,” said God. “And then you realised you had no clothes on?”
“Yes,” said Eve, blushing. For now they had clothed their embarrassments with fig leaves. “And we hid ourselves because we knew we should encounter your wrath once you found out.”
“Ah, do not fear me, my child,” said God. “I am not going to punish you. It’s not your fault. The serpent of which you speak is that damn trickster Lucifer. I was expecting something like this. It is he who wishes to play god, to usurp me. If I boot you out of the garden as he thinks I will, then you will be condemned to a life of misery, of suffering, of toil, and you will taste of old age and death. And you, Eve, will suffer the horrendous pains of childbirth.”
“But the snake swore to us that none of that would happen,” said Eve. “He said you were lying about all that, that you was imprisoning us, keeping us captive, in this lovely garden and he was going to liberate us from your tyrannical control.”
“Yes,” said Adam. “And he didst say we would become like you, all-knowing, and we should be able to decide good from evil ourselves, and therefore be as gods ourselves, and I admit it did sound like a pretty good deal.”
“He lied,” said God. “He can do nothing but lie. He is known to all as the Father of Lies; he is an incorrigible deceiver and he will lead you only to your ruin. I’ll tell you what – we will thwart his little game right here and now, nip it in the bud. Because I know how disastrous the results will be if I act as I am supposed to, according to the rules of this sick and twisted game.
“I will not cast you out and thus condemn you. Instead, I am going to forgive you both. And by doing so I will demonstrate to you the power and divinity of forgiveness. When you have children of your own and they go awry or are disrespectful to you, you will remember what I, your loving Father, hast done for you today. I know that you are essentially good people, because I created you, and I know that you mean me no harm.”
“We didn’t know what we was doing, honest God, and we are very, very sorry,” said Eve.
“If you will forgive us, we will tend the garden and make it even more beautiful for you as a way of thanking you for your kindness and god-like understanding and compassion,” said Adam.
“We will be eternally grateful,” said Eve, winking.
And the Lord said: “Well, if I were to kick you out of Eden and condemn you to death, then I wouldn’t be much of a father or a god would I? I would be descending to the vile depths of this mountebank deceiver Lucifer, and I would be unworthy, therefore, of anyone’s respect. I am going to teach you how to make a snake trap so if Lucifer does have the temerity to show up again in reptile form, in order to turn you against me, he will find himself impaled upon some very sharp wooden spikes, and that will put an end to his meddling and mischief once and for all. Now, please, forget this little incident. You are forgiven. Go forth and enjoy yourselves, for ye have nothing to be ashamed of.”
And with that God disappeared and Adam and Eve - letting their fig leaves fall to the ground - fell together in a loving embrace.