Mark Cuban, the flamboyant and outspoken owner of the NBA's Dallas mavericks has done it again. He has gone way out on a vey shaky limb to express something very controversial. Mr. League Sources reports that Cuban relied very heavily on his technology background to dig up some very interesting information. His team of researches created a very complicated algorithm to help his statisticians analyze a tremendous amount of data.
The results were shocking.
"Friendship!"
According to Mark Cuban, the Eastern Conference of the NBA is easier to compete in than the Western Conference.
Boom! Mind completely blown!
According to a report on realgm.com, Cuban spoke to league President Adam Silver about changing the playoff format to simply take the 16 teams with the best record regardless of conference.
In a shocking move, Silver chose not to change anything about his business that made $5.87 BILLION in 2015/2016 and even more this year (official numbers are not available yet but League Sources estimates this year's total to be exactly a shit ton of money).
When asked to comment about the lack of competition in the NBA, Silver replied, "Duh. We are a monopoly. We made $5.87 billion last year. I don't see the problem. Clearly no one in the world cares. They are basically throwing money at us for playing completely uncompelling games. But they look amazing in 10 second clips on youtube."
Silver then put in his monocle, climbed into his gold plated hearse, and drove back to his castle to take a nap in his coffin.
Adam Silver: NBA commissioner and nightwalker.
It seems that after a tremendous amount of time and effort, Cuban's crack staff uncovered the fact that the Eastern Conference is a complete pile of decomposing horse shit. With the signing of Gordon Hayward, the Celtics have locked up their chance to get smoked in the Eastern conference finals. That leaves the other 14 teams competing incredibly hard for the number one pick in the draft. Sadly for their fans, 6 of those teams will be forced into meaningless playoff series at the conclusion of the 2017/2018 season.
The story is a bit different in the West. There is actually competition for the honor of being swept by the Golden State Globetrotters in the Western Conference finals. The fans of San Antonio, Houston, OKC, Minnesota, Portland, and the Los Angeles Clippers all have high hopes of being able to lose their last four games of the season.
According to Cuban's team of mathematicians, six is more than one.
Mind Blown Part two!
Let me say that again. Cuban has discovered that SIX IS MORE THAN ONE.
The evidence is undeniable. It is more difficult to compete in the Western Conference. Six teams in the east are going to make the playoffs whether they like it or not. Even if they spend less money and make far stupider decisions than their counterparts in the West, those six teams will all "earn" a share of the NBA playoff rewards pool.
But Cuban wasn't done after dropping one bombshell. He went on to completely blow everyone's freaking mind by informing the room full of reporters that:
Water is wet!
The sky is blue!
The sun sets in the west!
All the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money!
NBA fans will pay for anything!
Cuban said his crack staff will continue to tackle other important and controversial questions.
Next up, should people drink bleach?
I can only hope they find the answer to that very quickly.
Thank you Mark Cuban.