How To Never Have a SHIT Day Again
A little about me before I start, because I know some people will comment at the end of this "of course, you say its easy to be happy and never have a shit day again, but you don't know what I've been through..."
Of course, I don't know what you have been through.
But I do know you CAN get through ANYTHING.
I believe that life does not give you more than you can handle and just so you know I wasn't born with a sliver spoon either.
So to start, I thought it was only fair to give you the Reader's Digest of my life.
Right now, life is good. I am single Mum of a 4 and 6 year old, but I'm free and happy.
(Source: From the Hope Huggs collection)
I am embarking on lots of new challenges and ventures that I know will be a success in my heart. It's still early days, but I'm on the right path now.
I'm healthy, have a roof over my head and enough food and my girls and I are happy and for the first time in a long while, I feel I have purpose.
Just last year I would not have thought that it was possible to feel this awesome.
I've met some wonderful positive people here on Steemit who help lift me up when I'm down, some with just what they write everyday and some by becoming firm friends.
I have rants and pour our my emotions in steemit posts and poems, as you will see in some of my recent posts. Some of you may already know my journey here has not been an easy one and if you don't know it I'll summarise here.
Growing up I was an English girl on a Scottish island who refused to be like everyone else, which resulted in few friends and a lot of bullying.
Staying true to me is something I have never regretted:
Copyright: Duro Bjegovic
Unfortunately at home was not so great either, as I was prey to a stepfather's lust.
My parents seemed to be more concerned about their respective new partners, than pay that much attention to me, so I always felt alone. I feel like I spent most of my teenage years in my bedroom, writing poetry and being miserable, but it probably wasn't all the time
I moved to England when I was 15 as was tired of the isolation of a Scottish island life. It didn't take long for my stepmother to tell me I wasn't welcome, so I still felt incredibily alone. I buckled down and did what work I needed to do to get into university.
I wouldn't have necessarily gone to university as it wasn't exactly a choice, more expected and I had to do something academic like business studies and marketing, as that's where the money was. I would have loved to do creative writing or something, but I was told a categorical 'no'.
Still my uni days are some of the nicer days and memories so swings and roundabouts
Soon after university I meet my ex husband who promised the earth and more and he had a gorgeous dog called Taz. It turned out to be a emotionally draining relationship that near destroyed everything about who I was and who I am, that lasted 14 years. (But I always loved the dog).
So at the beginning of this year I found some strength somewhere to finally say enough is enough. And 2 court cases later and a restraining order against him until 2022 and I am happier and stronger than I have ever been.
So what's all this got to do with never have a shit day again?
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that when you have a bad experience, it is often about how you look at it. Life is about perspective.
This is the main reason I can say "Never Have a Shit Day Again".
Everything is a gift.
Imagine every moment as a box, wrapped with a bow. When something "shit" happens, "I ask what is the gift in this, why am I being given this?"
source: Pixabay.com
Let's look at a few examples...
When you whack your elbow against the door. What's the gift?
Maybe it is a reminder for you to be more present and bring you back to your body, rather than being stuck inside your head.
Perhaps a friend angers you, where is the gift in that?
The gift may be a chance to talk the issue through, an opportunity to improve your communication skills, to help teach you to walk away.
Or it could be a reminder that this person is bringing you down and the friendship or relationship is not serving you.
Maybe you are sick or injured. How can that be a gift?
The gift might be it gives you time to relax, recover or heal. Or maybe it means that it gives other people the chance to look after you, especially if you are stubborn and refuse help in usual circumstances.
It could be that the gift is it gives you time to appreciate your body and what normal health is like.
When someone dies? What on earth is the gift then?
Maybe it brings the family closer together. Maybe you stop taking life for granted. Maybe you start saying "I love you" at the end of every call. Maybe you resolve conflict. Maybe you feel impassioned to do something in their honour.
....Now this isn't to say that you shouldn't feel the feelings that these situations invoke in you, but it is to say that there is a reason for everything.
Today for example...
On the school route, every day I see this really fit Dad that I have been saying hello to for like 10 months. The conversation has not gone past "hello" a great deal, but God only knows how many days and how much his gorgeous smile has brightened my day. Well today he was there with his beautiful girlfriend/wife, who knows, but he is attached. And I was just a little bit gutted.
Where is the gift in that?
Well like I said his smile has helped get me through some bad days, so that still hasn't changed, but now I know he is not single and its something I always wondered. I got the answer finally and it didn't involve me embarrassing myself. That's the gift!
So everything is about perspective...
source: Pixabay.com
And it is not that hard to change your perspective.
It is about mindset and the willingness to get out of victim mode - once you have felt the feelings and let them flow in and out.
Here are a few nifty tactics to lift you out of that brain fog...
(1) The White Circle
Look at universe as a huge expansive white circle. It is so much bigger than you and I to state the obvious.
Take a moment to think about all the planets, all the stars, or just how many things go on everywhere on earth - how many countries there are, how many languages there are, all the different lives. People we know nothing about, people living lives on the other side of the world.
It all fits into this huge gigantic white circle.
Imagine what is going on in your life as a microscopic black dot, because in the grand scheme of things it is and sometimes it helps to remember that when you feel bogged down by something.
This is just a black dot.
Your whole life is a white circle and you have so much room to move in that white space and the world is an even bigger white circle and that represents all the possibilities and playgrounds open to you.
(2) The Movie Screen Technique
When you really feel that you can't get "out" a situation and it is really making you feel shit and you can't see the gift, then try this..
I am going to try to show you how to mentally step out of it.
Imagine a big movie screen outside of your head.
You can see the movie screen and you are in it, but you are looking at like you are watching the movie of your life.
You are an observer.
The situation that you are experiencing is on the movie screen and you are seeing it as an outsider watching someone else experience it.
Imagine for a moment it is not you.
Look it as if you have nothing to do with the situation and are not involved with it. It's just a movie.
As an outsider, what would you say about the situation?
What would you suggest to that person on the screen?
Work out how what is happening is for the greater good and what are the possible benefits from it.
I'll give you a personal example...
When I split up from my husband earlier this year, there were three days of him constantly asking me "why" and begging me to change my mind and so much anger.
On that movie screen I could see how unhappy the lead woman was and it wasn't for lack of trying and I kept that in mind as I kept my resolve (well it actually took another couple of weeks to get him to leave, but it happened).
All this emotional drama was affecting my children and I had been blinded by love. No it wasn't love. It was hope that things could change, but they never did or would.
I have written about what has happened to me on Steemit and it has inspired people and I am free to find someone who will treat me better, when I'm ready.
I have a chance to become the person I am meant to be, without the constant negative input.
I plan to write a lot about my experiences with depression, childhood abuse and emotional domestic abuse as it can help others and that is my core: helping others.
(3) Ask yourself what to do
Our brains are more powerful than we can ever give them credit for and 9 times out of 10, it already has the answer to our problem. By this, I mean that our brains are wired to look for answers. It is a matter of how you phrase it to yourself.
So let's say you are stressed by getting an unexpected bill and your immediate thought might be "How the F'in hell am I going to pay this bill?" and stress yourself out even further.
Or you could calm down and rephrase the question in an empowering way..
"How can I make it inevitable that I am able to pay this bill and still feel full of ease around it?"
This way your mind will be inclined to find solutions.
My own personal question for this week will be:
"How can I make it inevitable that I am able to make a living in a way that I enjoy"
(3)Do the Will This Matter in a Year test
Whatever situation you’re in right now, take a moment and ask yourself, will this impact you a year from now or even 10 years?
Sometimes it will. But often it won’t.
These are great tools to keep your perspective in check.
So are you ready to know the truth about bad days?
source: Pixabay.com
A literal whole 24 hours of fully bad things is highly unlikely.
Unless it is you actively creating it, that is.
You have a choice.
I am forever telling my children this when then go to school, it is up to you whether you have bad day or a fun day.
You can take one bad thing and let it pull you down a hill like a boulder on steroids.
And everything on that day will spiral downwards.
This is how people end up with bad days.
You can STOP bad days in their tracks.
Of course there will be things that don't make you feel good or happy. In fact never having a shit day again isn't going to mean that everyday is full of rainbows and unicorns.
That being said...
Recent research shows that a fully expressed emotion lasts only 90 seconds (from brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor’s book, A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey)
So if you acknowledge and feel the emotion - angry, sad, resentful or other uncomfortable emotion and let yourself feel it. It will pass.
Everything beyond that 90 seconds is the story you are attaching to the emotion,
Here is a little science about how this works...
Whenever we get stressed, anger or upset or another unpleasant feeling, there is a 90 second chemical response in our body. This chemical response is over in 90 seconds.
At that point, you have a choice.
You can choose to stay in that unpleasant state such as stress or anger and this is most people's default because they have unconsciously conditioned themselves to have automatic response to triggered emotions.
You can also choose to change your mind and move on.
(You can read more about this in Jill Bolte's book: My Stroke of Insight)
Here are 4 steps that I learnt in a mindfulness course to help move yourself through an unpleasant emotion.
(1) Acknowledge the emotion
Recognise the emotion and tell yourself "I am feeling angry" or "I am feeling sad".
DO NOT attach a story to it such as "I am feeling angry because of"
Just acknowledge the emotion.
It might sound simple, but this is a huge step as most people ignore the emotion, bottle it up or blow up, which can counterproductive ways of dealing with negative emotions.
(2) Feel the physical manifestations of that emotion.
Perhaps your tummy is clenched or it feels like butterflies are trying to escape.
Maybe your jaw is clenching
Your head begins to pound
You are feeling hot.
Just acknowledge it.
Soon you will be able to identify the sensations associated with different emotions and take them as early warning signs, helping you catch it before it escalates.
(3) Take some deep breaths
Deep breathing calms the nervous system and delivers an extra dose of oxygen to the brain so you can think more clearly .
(4) Check Your Perspective
Is there another way that we could look at this at this situation? What is the gift in this situation?
Once you go through this process you can move on with your day.
Take a couple of minutes (the 90 seconds for chemical reaction of the unpleasant feeling and 30 seconds to consciously decide what to do next).
Once you practise this, it will become second nature and you can move through the negative emotions quickly.
Then you are free to move through the day and the world is a blank canvas and you are free to paint on it whatever you please.
Do not let one bad thing have the power to turn your day into an entire bad day.
Do not let a few bad things happening turn your day into an entire bad day.
If you do let it, you are feeding something that does not serve you.
But now you know what to do about it :)
So if something unpleasant occurs early in the morning, feel it through and take a conscious moment to decide how you are going to go about your next moments
You can choose to be happy and empowered.
Or you can choose "Today is going to be a SHIT day - I can tell from how it started"
I hope you choose the former
Don't give the one bad thing or situation the power to turn into 24 bad hours
Feel it
Find the gift.
Move on.
Thank you so much for reading. As this is an entry into the Spotlight Writing Contest, please visit Hope Huggs's Comment and reply to my comment with the word "VOTE" for a chance for me to win 20K SP for a week. I could do a lot of good for #theunmentionables with that :)