The remembering hurt more than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Remembering our life together, remembering how much we needed each other when society fell apart. I remembered how we held each other up when everyone we loved let us down. Then I remembered the end of it all.
I reached down, grabbed the empty pistol, and stuck the end in my mouth. I pulled the trigger. Click. I did it again. Click.
“DAMN IT!” I screamed as loud as I could and birds flew from the treetops behind me. “I just want it to end,” I frantically started pulling the trigger to receive the same empty clicking sound. I started crying, not just tears this time, but five-year-old fell of his bike and scraped his knee crying. My heart tore with each tear and with each tear came another memory.
I remembered when we were back in that loft and Kai had said that she wanted to leave, that she wanted to find somewhere else to hide, somewhere safer. I begged her not to go. I needed her and still she wanted to leave. Those moments flashed in front of my eyes like a movie clip.
“We have to go. It’s not safe here and we are almost out of food. We have to find someplace safer,” she said. “I don’t want to leave you but I can’t stay here anymore. Do you know how long we’ve been here?”
“I don’t know, Kai.” I said. My voice shivered while I tried to hold back the tears.
“And that’s the reason why we have to go,” her response was fast and I couldn’t even get anymore words. “I love you, but we can’t stay here.” She was walking into the bedroom now with a small bag in her hands. I didn’t follow her, mostly because I didn’t know if I could walk. My legs felt rubbery I could feel a weight in my stomach that got heavier with each breath.
“We can just talk about it, Kai,” I shouted to her to try to change her mind. “I could just go out and search for some supplies in the town. I’m sure that there is some useable stuff around here. I think we should just think about this before we make a drastic decision.”
Kai walked back into the kitchen where, her bag was almost full now. She walked over to the counter and started putting what little supplies we had in it. When it was full, she closed it and set it next to the small bistro table that I was sitting at.
“I’m done talking about this, love. I don’t want to talk anymore. Now is the time for us to do something about our situation or we are just going to starve and die here, or worse someone will find us,” she said. She sat in the chair next to me, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes. Her touch was soft and welcoming. Those beautiful eyes began to blur from the tears starting to form.
“I really think we should talk about it,” I pleaded with her. “Please let’s just sit and talk,” She just stared at me and I could tell that she wasn’t going to be swayed. She had already made her decision.
“We can talk but it’s not going to change anything. The only way we are going to survive is if we leave now,”
“Damn it, Kai!” I could feel a spark inside, which I had felt many times before but never towards her. Anger was fueling this fire inside and it was waiting to burn down this perfect little mirage that I had built for us. This illusion that everything was okay was starting to fall apart and so was I. “We can’t leave! It’s not safe out there!” The tears were falling freely now and instead of putting out the fire inside it just fueled it, until soon my insides would be a liquid pool of anger. “Don’t you understand, this is the only place that is safe? I made it safe. I can protect you Kai.” Her face changed now from soft and sympathetic to scared and hurt. I could tell that my words were hurting her but maybe that’s what she needed.
“I’m sorry, love. But if you’re not going to go with me then I’ll leave by myself.” She stood up from the chair and grabbed the bag she had been filling. She threw it over her shoulder and started towards the door. “I love you,” I could tell that she truly meant it. “But I have to go. Good bye, love.”
The words infuriated me. Goodbye, love. That’s all she has to say. I’m throwing my heart to her and she refused to even touch it. I ran to her and grabbed the bag on her back. I pulled as hard as I could and she started stumbling backwards. The bag fell to the floor behind her. Everything that happened next seemed to happen in slow motion. I could see every expression in her face as she tripped over the bag and fell onto the floor.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!” she screamed. The fire inside boiled the liquid anger, hotter and hotter. I could feel my face burning scarlet red and my hands start to shake.
She got back to her feet and went to pick the bag back up and the liquid anger boiled over. I ran at her and pushed her as hard as I could. Her face reflected the same feelings that I was feeling, fear, pain, and love. I know that she really did love me and I know that she didn’t mean to make me do what I did. Hell, I didn’t mean to do what I did. She stumbled back further and further until there was nowhere else to go. She slammed into the window that was across from the door and when she hit the sound of broken glass canceled out any other noise. She hung there for a moment in the purgatory between falling and not falling. Her hands waved around frantically trying to grasp onto anything and all I could do was watch. And then she was gone.
I walked over to the window and looked down to see if maybe she survived, I mean, I knew she couldn’t have but I loved her and I didn’t mean to do it. I ran out of the loft and got to the main floor as quickly as I could.
When I reached the front doors, I could see her body through the glass windows and something snapped inside. I was no longer mad at her or anything for that matter. Her body looked horrific. She looked like a doll that had been tossed aside by a child because they didn’t want to play anymore. I walked over to her and almost slipped in the ever-growing puddle of blood forming around her body. I bent down and rubbed her cheek. Her eyes were looking right at me but weren’t looking at me at all.
“What are you doing just laying out here, you should be upstairs where it’s safe.” I said and put one arm under her legs and the other under her back. I picked her up and started back towards the building. “Once we get back upstairs ill go out and try to find us something special to eat.”
I carried her all the way back upstairs and set her in the chair at the table that, just a few minutes ago, she had been sitting in.
“Now enough of this leaving talk.” I said as I walked to the door. “I’ll always protect you. Now, I’m going to go find us something to eat. Goodbye, love.”