You send people signals all day, without paying attention to them. The way you move your eyes, the way you shake a hand and so on. There are things you can do to send subconscious signals using body language that make people like you better, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt. Whenever I discuss techniques like these there are always one or two people who feel uncomfortable with ‘influencing’ someone with psychological tricks.
Manipulation is not negative
Influencing is changing someone’s behavior or mind
Manipulation is intentionally influencing
When you hear the word manipulation, you may immediately think of negative things. Please don’t.
Example 1: Manipulative sneaky person
Bad people are bad. Bad people who manipulate are problematic
. An example of this:
Mean Girl wants to reduce the social standing of Sweet Classmate
She tells the other classmate this person did something horrible
The class likes Sweet Classmate less
Sweet Classmate feels sad now
Example 2: Friendly manipulation
Manipulation can make everyone in a situation better off.
Party Person is an experienced manipulator
Party Person bumps into another person
Party Person smiles disarmingly and apologizes, even though the other person was wrong
Party Person doesn’t get into a fight and has a great night
The problem with the Mean Girl example is not the manipulation, the problem is bad intentions and lying.
My request: Have good intentions
I’m assuming you will use these tricks with good intentions. Please do so.
Manipulation is not bad. People with bad intentions are bad.
Section 1: Attitude & body language
The human mind is judgmental, it’s what it does. It is what kept us alive during evolution.We make judgments in split seconds:
Is this person a threat?
Is this person attractive?
Is this person useful to my (social) survival?
Pay attention to this instinct, but never act on it without knowing the person better.
The tricks below will trigger you to behave in ways that are perceived well.
This section is not strictly about body language, but these attitudes will subconsciously influence your body language.
Feel secure and project confidence
This one is so important it requires its own article, and you can never do this 100% of the time. Plus, there are certainly cases where not seeming confident can gain you likability points, but on average, the above holds true.
There are two things to consider with this point:
Try to remove things that make you uncomfortable
For me bad skin was an issue, which I solved like this
Another was clothing choice, which I solved by bringing along a girl when shopping
. Train yourself to help you feel secure
I learned a lot from self-help audiobooks I downloaded
- Everyone is a friend, unless proven otherwise
Why burn bridges before you’ve made them in the first place? It makes no sense:
You have everything to gain
You have nothing to lose
You will notice soon enough if this person would/wants to be a good friend
Everyone deserves respect, unless proven otherwise
Again, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by treating people with respect.
That doesn’t mean you should kiss boots all day;
it means you shouldn’t dismiss anyone or make them feel unimportant.
Like everybody, until they don’t deserve it
Strangers deserve to have the benefit of the doubt. In our world anyone can be anything, without looking like it. I’ve met douchebags who looked kind and billionaires that behaved like excited children. Look at the cover of the book, but read a few pages before judging.
Neither the douchebag or billionaire are ‘better’ than each other. But being around one made me feel unhappy, and the other made me feel gusto and enthusiasm.
Always think about what you can do for others
When you meet someone, don’t think ‘what can they do for me?’ but rather ‘what can I do for them?’ Helping people is the best way to make them want to help you, and everybody wins.
Note that I’m not saying you should give unsolicited advice to make yourself seem smart. Help people if you genuinely and truly believe this person’s life would be better with the knowledge/help/contact that you can offer.
Offer help, but don’t insist. Keep it short and let them decide.
Section 2: Posture
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Your body is constantly signalling the people you meet. Posture influences the snap second judgement people make about you, but also what you think about yourself. In addition, proper posture is good for your back, what’s not to like?
Stand up straight, but relaxed
To find positive posture, try the following:
Stand with your feet as wide as your hips
Make yourself as tall as possible, imagine being pulled up by the top of your head
Now keep that feeling of being tall but relax your shoulders
Relax your neck and angle your head so you don’t have to look up or down to look an average person in the eyes
Some tips:
Relax as much as possible while maintaining your posture
Don’t puff your chest, it should be flat as if you are lying on a floor
Pull your shoulders back very slightly
Sit up straight, but not rigid
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When you start sitting up straight, you will notice how small most people make themselves. You will instantly feel quite tall when sitting at a table. Keep your back straight, but relax as much as possible.
Always have some tension in your core
Your abs, back and general core should never be flaccid/floppy when you stand or sit. Keep your abs and core in general under some tension. Not only does it reflect well upon your posture, but it also makes it easier to move with grace.
Position your feet at about hip width apart
The stance of your feet says a lot about you. It’s not an exact science, but putting your feet closer together generally signifies insecurity, whereas a wider stance indicates confidence.
Both holding your feet too close together and too far apart can reflect badly upon you. Try to aim for a position where your feet are at hip width or slightly wider apart, but not much.
Section 3: Entering a Room :
The moment you enter a room is the moment you expose yourself to the judgement of the people in that room. Make sure to make use of that.
Some would recommend more extreme techniques like peacocking, but that doesn’t apply to all situations.
Smile like you are happy to be there
Regardless of whether you are, smile when you enter a room. Smile like you really like what you are seeing. Don’t overdo it, don’t laugh out loud. Smile like you stepped outside and noticed the sun was shining.
Greet the crowd
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Not explicitly. Don’t shout “HEY!” or draw explicit attention unless these are people who appreciate such behavior. Otherwise take a moment to stand still or walk slowly while looking at the people in the room.
Make eye contact
Don’t glance over the crowd like it’s an object. Look people in the eye and if anyone holds your gaze smile at them. Make people feel like a positive influence just entered this room.
Take your time
This shows confidence, but also signifies an open attitude.
Wave to (imaginary) friends
Humans are hard-wired to like and/or respect people with friends. When you walk into a room and do your usual ‘greet the crowd’ routine, follow it up by waving to your friends and mouthing something along the lines of “I’ll be right there”.
Here’s the thing, feel free to do this to imaginary friends. I do this all the time at bigger events. Keep in mind that people don’t see 360 degrees. If you wave to an non-existent person behind them they don’t know you are just waving to empty air.
This has a number of effects:
People assume you know people
You have more time to calmly look around
You will feel more confident
The trick here is to do this in full confidence, don’t timidly wave. Wave like your best friend is across the room and you are trying to communicate to them that you’ll be there soon.
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