I'm going to preface this story by saying, yeah, it's gonna get personal. Besides, it's 2018 and it's become a trend for everyone to blow up their own spot on social media, right? Honestly, I'm just here to share my feelings today. How sappy I know but if this post reaches at least one person who needed to hear this then I've done what I set out to do.
I came across this meme today on Facebook and found myself dying of laughter because it couldn't be truer, at least in my eyes. After a couple seconds, I started thinking to myself "do other people actually relate to this?" I know this is obviously meant to be a joke but this is actually my life on a daily basis. It comes off as funny but it's also kind of exhausting.
A little more clarification; I struggle with anxiety. That word is so played out. Anxiety.Depression.Stress. UH OH, it's getting heavy now. I don't think many take it seriously.I've always been told i'm just a nervous person but it's more than that. I'm not talking about butterflies in my stomach when I have to do something unfamiliar. I'm talking about a river of tears just thinking of picking up a phone and making a pizza delivery order. I'm talking about my heart pounding out of my chest so hard I can hear the beat in my ears all because someone is knocking on my front door.
As I become older I'm realizing that I have struggled with this since I was a child I was just greatly naive to it. It was probably better that way though. I just thought everyone felt the way that I did. I also had very supportive parents who knew I needed to be pushed out of my comfort zone from time to time. I didn't stress about my stress.
Fast forward to 18 years old. I moved out of my parent's house and started my life across the country with my now husband of 6 years. Yeah, you heard that right, someone with crippling anxiety picked up her life and flew across the country by herself...god that sounds like a horror movie just saying it. My stomach was in knots for months but hey you do things for love and that move ended up being the best thing I could have done for myself and my life.
I'm 25 years old now and I'm not going to lie I struggle with my anxiety daily. As the years have passed I have become good at "protecting" myself from situations I don't believe I can handle.I don't have that healthy fear of my parents anymore so they cant push me like they used too. While it feels better in the moment to "protect" myself it's obvious that it's only hurting me in the long run. This past year has been one the most trying time thus far. I've had a hard time keeping a job, not because I'm a bad employee (I actually had my last employer beg me not to leave) but because I overwhelm myself so much over stupid shit, pardon my french, that I just quit.I once quit a job because I lost my keys to my car right before I had to leave for my shift and got so upset that instead of calling to say I was simply going to be late I just didn't go at all or the next day or the day after that, yeah I guess they got the point. Also, don't do that, that's rude, I'm still embarrassed about that to this day.
While this year has been one the hardest I've ever had mentally, it was greatly welcomed. I learned / still am learning a lot about myself and about life. I'm particularly learning that you never stop learning about yourself. I mentioned in one of my other posts that my husband and I recently moved to Colorado, our forever home, and this has been eye-opening for me. I do struggle greatly every day, but I've decided I'm going back to that mentality I had when I was younger, I'm choosing not to stress about the stress.
I do a lot of writing. It helps me understand my thoughts and explain them. There was one poem I wrote on a particularly hard day and I thought i'd share that with you all.
Is it me? Am I blind?
Why do people see me as a different
person then I feel inside?
I want to be good, I want to be right
I feel like im suffocating
my chest is tight.
When you look at me what do you see?
A coward?
A queen?
A machine?
I sit, I watch
paralyzed
by fear
hoping and praying that one day
a new outlook will appear.
Inhale
exhale
push the pain away
remember that every day is a new day.
Life is brilliant
life is strange
and if one day is not the greatest
that's okay.
Pick yourself up and pat yourself on the back
because this is far from your last anxeity attack.
Briana Nicole
thanks for listening to me complain 😂
xoxo