Depression has been my constant companion since I was a child. My personal walk with depression has been a long and twisted path. Depression for me is sort of like a shadow. When the sun is shining at its brightest, I cannot see it at all. It may as well have disappeared, robbed of the joy in that moment. The trouble is, nobody knows you’re struggling.
Alone, you wave, with only the shadow to keep you company. Your friends think you have your life together, but in reality, you don’t know what you’re doing. You break down when you’re alone, the shadow comforting you and you shake and tremble with fear. You can’t tell your friends. You have a reputation to uphold, a reputation of being strong and knowing what you are doing. The shadow agrees with you, tells you that you can’t show weakness. The shadow called depression, prevents you from speaking out.
As time passed by I have learned to manage and I am better now than I have ever been. I have compiled this list from personal experiences that have been helpful to me.
Do You Love Someone With Depression?
Are you either have depression or you are close to someone who does? You may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long run. I hope you find something useful here.
- Don’t tell them to just try to think positively.
Yes to this. It feels unbelievably deflating when people who don’t understand what causes depression essentially blame you for bringing it on yourself by thinking the wrong thoughts. It feels like an accusation and only adds to the endless loop of self-destructive thoughts your friend or partner has running through his/her head. I do believe affirmations are a helpful part of a mental hygiene regimen, but chronic depression is a complicated disease involving body mind and soul. There is no “just” when it comes to managing it.
- Don’t wait for them to reach out to you.
One of the biggest symptoms of depression is feelings of worthlessness. When someone feels worthless, they don’t reach out for company or help even though they need both desperately. They hide. Whether they stay home and cut themselves off of social interaction or hide behind a smile, if you suspect your friend or significant other is struggling, reach out to them.
- Don’t diminish their experiences.
Attempting to minimize someone’s problems doesn’t make the problem smaller. It makes people feel alienated and even more alone than they already felt. If you actually can relate to how they’re feeling, by all means share your experience so they know you can relate, but if you don’t have a mental illness then you can’t understand what it’s like.
- Don’t make jokes about suicide or self harm.
Don’t joke about suicide or self harm in front of anyone.
- Don’t go too long without checking in.
Life can get busy, but if you notice you haven’t heard from someone you were close to in your social circle for a while, check on them. Blowing off social occasions is a classic depressed person’s coping mechanism. If they don’t feel up to going out offer to stay in with them.
- Do start a conversation about sleep deprivation.
Just like people either overeat or don’t eat at all when they’re depressed, they may sleep all the time (or want to) or stay up all night. If your friend or significant other has tendencies toward depression and you see they aren’t taking care of themselves physically, talk to them about it. Don’t be parental, ultimately they are in charge of their own health, but express your concern if you see them posting on social media when the rest of the world is sleeping.
- Do support them as much as you can.
A good support system or lack thereof can be the thing that gets someone through a depressive episode in a month or two or keeps them there for years. Yes, let me repeat that. DEPRESSIVE EPISODES CAN LAST FOR YEARS. That is why I write about helping people when they’re depressed. Because one person sticking around and caring can be the difference between someone struggling through a hard time and coming out the other side stronger or staying stuck in a prison of the mind for a significant portion of their life.
- Do educate yourself.
If you know what is and isn’t typical behavior for someone with depression you may be able to direct your friend or significant other to get help before they even realize they need it. Symptoms for men and women can be different. Symptoms in children can be different from those in older people. This is a significant enough issue in Western Society that we should all know what to look for.
- Do take care of yourself.
You know the analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else? Being in a close relationship with someone who struggles with a mental illness can be exhausting. If you don’t take time to recharge, it can lead to burn out, anger and resentment. People may end up giving up on their relationships because of this. Take time to recharge, keep doing things you enjoy, surround yourself with a support system and if you feel you need it, seek out therapy or a support group for yourself.
- Do encourage them to seek help.
Don’t take responsibility for someone else’s mental health. That’s co-dependent. You can help them, you can be their support and you can love them, but if they are going to get better they have to get help from a qualified professional.