Power struggles between parent and child - does that really have to be?

At least felt, the power struggles with the child for many parents begin in the first few days of life. The child seems to have total control over the time and resources of the parents. And the exercise of power continues as the child develops his own will.

What we interpret as the desire for control and power is in reality, and for the present, only a phase of development. The child realizes that it has its own needs and wishes and would like to realize them. Overpowering parents with the illusion that children want to exercise power over them often leads to nasty struggles that can exhaust parents and their effects can accompany a child throughout his or her life.

The fight begins

Fights always start when two distinct desires confront each other. The father wants to put on his son's shoes, the child wants to do it himself. Which will count more now? And does a child want to have the power because he wants to do something himself? Depending on the perspective, it is not the children who want to exercise power and control, but the parents. With the best intentions of course, because after all, they usually know better what is just right and right for the child and sometimes it just does not seem to be different. On the other hand, there is a child who wants to try it for himself and is ready to push through it with all the means at his disposal. How do parents find out about this dilemma?

The responsibility lies with the adults

The expectation that a small child on its own the fight gives in and deflects, is nonsensical and not tenable. Because the responsibility for the interactions is carried by the adult. It is he who, with suitable strategies, must find out of a power struggle and make a new beginning possible. To make this clear is an important step for parents. And also the realization that children are not in their "unruly" behavior about the familiar structures of hierarchy. Of course, they test how strong they are compared to their parents. The goal is not total control, but to find his own position in the family structure.

Framework and rules

A solid framework and reasonable rules make sense in order to counteract the child's thirst for knowledge without causing painful struggles. Creating it is the responsibility of the parents. As well as the effort not to get involved in discussions (this is already with two-year-olds) and to find out what is really going on. It is also important to feel your own limits: If you notice that you are currently fighting with your child for the upper hand, you should take a break and, for example, briefly leave the room and breathe deeply. Tell your child that you need a break right now and come back immediately so that they do not feel punished for something that has come about in a shared dynamic between you and your child. For never forget: There are always two to fight!

It's not about winning

Education in itself is not a struggle in which at best the parents win and the child loses. It is about the mediation of rules, empathy, appropriate behavior and this should not be implemented in the fight, but by loving attention. In practice this is easier said than done, the child quickly becomes an enemy, and our own learned mechanisms have only the desire to win. If you look closely you will see that many conflicts with the child arise through prohibitions and the potential is much lower, if you can concretely convey what you are currently bothering and also what other behavior you want from the child.