Today's @steemiteducation homework assignment asked teachers to share the worst/funniest excuse they have ever heard.
Although I have been on the receiving end of my share of ridiculous excuses since I began teaching nearly twenty years ago, the absolute best one I have ever witnessed took place when I was working at a children's home. This just so happens to be the same children's home I was working at when one of the younger residents famously asked me if I would allow him to throw rocks at people on the beach.
My job as a youth care worker at the home was the greatest job I ever had. It was a blast! My job was to entertain 30 kids ranging from age 5 to 18. Because we had a very limited budget, the staff had to be very creative (cheap) when devising the weekly activity schedule. We always began the day playing sports or games like hide and go seek or kick the can. In the afternoon we did our best to get the kids away from the home for a while.
One of the most economical choices was taking the kids to the "dollar theater" to see Hollywood movies that had finished their regular run in the expensive theaters.
I always found it odd that they gave food such happy expressions... right before telling the audience to buy them and bite their smiling faces right off.
One day, we took all thirty kids to the theater to see a movie (sadly I don't recall which one). Included in this group was Billy. Billy was six years old. He was a great kid with a big heart. He was also completely nuts. Billy was always doing something totally impulsive and usually inappropriate. While Marquel asked if he could "throw rocks at people", Billy would have just done it. There was never a fence Billy didn't climb or a squirrel Billy didn't chase. Even though he couldn't swim very well, Billy would always try to jump off the high dive at the pool. We never let Billy out of our sight.
Back to the theater.
While all the other kids were enthralled with the movie, Billy caught a case of "monkey butt". That is what we called it when kids simply couldn't sit still in their seats. In order to stretch his legs a little bit, Billy asked if he could go to the bathroom. My coworker Dave and I looked at each other. I prepared my rock-paper-scissors hand in order to compete for the privilege of getting to stay in the theater. Instead, Dave said, "Sure. Do you think you can handle it by yourself?"
Billy's face lit up like the Las Vegas Strip.
Then he stopped and thought for a moment. We could tell he was imagining what he could accomplish with his first taste of freedom.
He snapped out of his dream long enough to stare at us, nod his head and whisper, "Yessssss".
All work and no play makes Billy...
As he walked out and the "shushing" subsided, my buddy Dave looked at me and whispered, "Come on. Let's see what he does this time."
Dave and I motioned to our fellow staff members to let them know to keep an eye on everyone else while we investigated.
As Dave and I rounded the corner into the men's washroom, we heard the pitter patter of six year old feet. It sounded like someone was tap-dancing.
Interesting.
Then we saw him.
Billy was located smack dab in the middle of the large bathroom.
He was whistling.
And spinning.
And peeing.
Everywhere.
Yep. Billy was spinning around like a Whirling Dervish marking his territory as he spun.
And boy did he want to claim a lot of territory.
Billy did not notice us until Dave shouted, "Billy, what are you doing?!"
Billy responded with the most ludicrous (and hilarious) excuse I have ever, or will ever hear.
He said, "I fell!"
"You feel from where?!" Dave and I shouted in unison.
"There's nothing to fall from!" I continued.
The wheels in Billy's brain couldn't quite keep up. As his eyes darted around the room desperately searching for an object he could have plausibly fallen from, he blurted out, "From the floor!"
"Billy. You are standing on the floor." I replied.
"How did you fall from the floor... onto the floor. Also, what caused you to spin after you fell? And... YOU WERE PEEING ON EVERYTHING!"
Billy stuck with his story.
Dave and I moved onto more pressing matters and asked the manager for a mop.
Billy learned two valuable lessons that afternoon, not to spin around and pee all over a bathroom (hopefully) and how to use a mop.
I haven't seen Billy in almost 25 years. I truly hoped he also learned how to devise better excuses.
Although... that one could work in many situations:
Why were you late? I fell.
Why isn't your homework done? I fell.
Why haven't you been to my lecture class all semester? I fell.
Why isn't your TPS report complete? I fell.
Why did you cheat on me with that woman? I fell
Well maybe not that last one.