EXT. A GREASY DINER - AFTERNOON
Splendid author LORD MIKE PIGEON is arguing with modest teacher DR TRISTAN KHAN. MIKE tries to hug TRISTAN but he shakes him off.
MIKE
Please Tristan, don't leave me.
TRISTAN
I'm sorry Mike, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
MIKE
I am such a person!
TRISTAN frowns.
TRISTAN
I'm sorry, Mike. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
TRISTAN leaves.
MIKE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, brave actor MADAME CATHERINE THORNTON barges in looking flustered.
MIKE
Goodness, Catherine! Is everything okay?
CATHERINE
I'm afraid not.
MIKE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
CATHERINE
It's ... a zombie ... I saw an evil zombie shoot a bunch of babies!
MIKE
Defenseless babies?
CATHERINE
Yes, defenseless babies!
MIKE
Bloomin' heck, Catherine! We've got to do something.
CATHERINE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
MIKE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
CATHERINE
I was...
CATHERINE fans herself and begins to wheeze.
MIKE
Focus Catherine, focus! Where did it happen?
CATHERINE
Tate Modern, St Ives! That's right - Tate Modern, St Ives!
MIKE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
MIKE rushes along the street, followed by CATHERINE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - SHORTLY AFTER
SHARON BOGTROTTER a snotty zombie terrorises two babies.
MIKE, closely followed by CATHERINE, rushes towards SHARON, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
CATHERINE
What is is? What's the matter?
MIKE
That's not just any old zombie, that's Sharon Bogtrotter!
CATHERINE
Who's Sharon Bogtrotter?
MIKE
Who's Sharon Bogtrotter? Who's Sharon Bogtrotter? Only the most snotty zombie in the universe!
CATHERINE
Blinkin' knickers, Mike! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snotty zombie in the universe!
MIKE
You can say that again.
CATHERINE
Blinkin' knickers, Mike! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snotty zombie in the universe!
MIKE
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.
Sharon turns and sees Mike and Catherine. She grins an evil grin.
SHARON
Mike Pigeon, we meet again.
CATHERINE
You've met?
MIKE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young MIKE is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees SHARON. He takes off his headphones.
SHARON
Would you like some fruit gums?
MIKE's eyes light up, but then he studies SHARON more closely, and looks uneasy.
MIKE
I don't know, you look kind of snotty.
SHARON
Me? No. I'm not snotty. I'm the least snotty zombie in the world.
MIKE
Wait, you're a zombie?
MIKE runs away, screaming.
INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - PRESENT DAY
SHARON
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
CATHERINE
(To MIKE) You ran away?
MIKE
(To CATHERINE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
MIKE turns to SHARON.
MIKE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
MIKE runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
MIKE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.
SHARON
I'm not scared of you.
MIKE
You should be.
EXT. GREENWICH, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
MIKE and CATHERINE walk around searching for something.
MIKE
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.
CATHERINE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.
MIKE
You know nothing Catherine Thornton.
CATHERINE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, SHARON appears, holding a pair of arrows.
SHARON
Looking for something?
CATHERINE
Crikey, Mike, she's got your arrows.
MIKE
Tell me something I don't already know!
CATHERINE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
MIKE
I know that already!
CATHERINE
I pick my nose and eat it.
SHARON
(appalled) Dude!
While SHARON is looking at CATHERINE with disgust, MIKE lunges forward and grabs his deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.
MIKE
Prepare to die, you snotty cauliflower!
SHARON
No please! All I did was shoot a bunch of babies!
TRISTAN enters, unseen by any of the others.
MIKE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Mike Pigeon defender of innocent babies.
SHARON
Don't hurt me! Please!
MIKE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!
SHARON
Because Mike, I am your mother.
MIKE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
MIKE
No you're not!
SHARON
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
SHARON tries to grab the arrows but MIKE dodges out of the way.
MIKE
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, SHARON slumps to the ground.
CATHERINE
Did she just faint?
MIKE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.
MIKE crouches over SHARON's body.
CATHERINE
Be careful, Mike. It could be a trick.
MIKE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sharon Bogtrotter is dead!
MIKE
What?
MIKE
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
CATHERINE claps her hands.
CATHERINE
So your arrows did save the day, after all.
TRISTAN steps forward.
TRISTAN
Is it true? Did you kill the snotty zombie?
MIKE
Tristan how long have you been...?
TRISTAN puts his arm around MIKE.
TRISTAN
Long enough.
MIKE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sharon Bogtrotter.
TRISTAN
Then the babies are safe?
MIKE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.
TRISTAN
You are their hero.
The babies bow to MIKE.
MIKE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sharon Bogtrotter will never shoot babies ever again, is enough for me.
TRISTAN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the babies passes MIKE a shiny necklace
TRISTAN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
MIKE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
MIKE
Well, if you insist.
MIKE takes the necklace.
MIKE
Thank you.
The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.
MIKE turns to TRISTAN.
MIKE
Does this mean you want me back?
TRISTAN
Oh, Mike, of course I want you back!
MIKE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
MIKE
Well you can't have me.
TRISTAN
WHAT?
MIKE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a zombie to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
TRISTAN
But...
MIKE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Catherine.
CATHERINE grins.
TRISTAN
But...
CATHERINE
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
TRISTAN
Mike?
MIKE
I'm sorry Tristan, but I think you should skidaddle.
TRISTAN leaves.
CATHERINE turns to MIKE.
CATHERINE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
MIKE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CATHERINE stops.
CATHERINE
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the zombie don't you?
THE END