Being depressed about something is not something funny or to be taken lightly as if they were so weak emotionally that they should have power through any obstacle the way other people are. No, that's not an appropriate or the way you should have perceived if you met someone who claimed they were depressed; it's not, period! Then again, the majority of people claimed they were depressed but they were not. They were just stressed out of something and use the word "depressed" loosely, it is a common way of telling people that they were having problems for laymen. Depression and being stressed about something are two different things and they should have been better differentiated for doctors to know whether to refer to a psychiatrist or you have just gone through a physiological respond towards hardship or generally, unwanted stimuli; treatment modalities can be quite different for both.
When my mother passed away two months ago, I was devastated and I thought the world has crumbled. My view on the world change and I can't seem to see a colourful side of life anymore; it just a pure black and white. I woke up and felt like crying when I thought about how my mother wouldn't be there for me anymore and sure, sometimes, I just lying around for the whole day, without eating much (just took a few sips of water); I thought I was having a normal reaction to losing someone which we usually called as bereavement. Well, it turns out, it was more than that, I was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder (MDD) by a psychiatrist and she prescribed me with a few medications to be taken as to stabilise my mood and make me function a little bit better. I'm still a student so it is important for me to have an adequate amount of energy, concentration and passion in order to be successful.
I started to lose interest in doing generally everything. I hate when people called me on the phone, I felt anxious every time I need to see some people and sure, on one occasion, I was having a panic attack while walking around a park, full with people in the evening, thinking how lucky for most of the people over there to still have their own mother while mine, was dead. I started to lose the ability to become empathetic and slowly become selfish, like all of the calamities would befall me for the day to come. Obviously, my depression is quite severe and I rarely take the medicine provided by my own psychiatrist as I have no motivation whatsoever to heal myself. It was the most painful week but I'm glad, I'm having those experiences. It provides me with a fresh new perspective of how people with MDD were going through so instead of judging, I can now be empathetic of they felt. I've been taking my medicine quite well nowadays, and my life started to become colourful again. It feels great when the time comes for you to enjoy the beautiful scenery of success after going through a hell of hardship.
Falling Into The Abyss
Now, let's talk about the abyss itself (depression). For those who have experienced depression or having one or two related kins who experienced depression, you will know that this kind disorder is debilitating. It is once categorised as bipolar disorders but now has its own classification which could be suggestive of how serious this condition is apart from it often being underestimated and underdiagnosed by fellow clinicians. For the first two weeks after my mother's death, I didn't even experience mood symptoms, just some backache, headache and feeling nauseated. I went to a few doctors who prescribed with a few painkillers, topical medication to relieve a backache and once before when I was having a fever, they suspected me to have a dengue fever which shows negative on a blood test. Well, that's insignificant since there are some people who have dengue despite the negative blood test (seronegative dengue).
Experiencing psychosomatic symptoms (physical manifestations of psychological problems) are serious and finally, one doctor referred me to the psychiatric unit after I've told him, that I have been to various kind of doctors for my "illnesses". To be honest, I was doubtful when the psychiatrist said that I was depressed and it is no longer bereavement as the scale of the problems seem to have become serious than what people should expect after losing someone. If you were curious about what should people expect if they were depressed, then, they will experience five out of nine symptoms below with one of them either low mood or anhedonia:
- Low mood (subjective or observed by others)
- Anhedonia (losing interest in doing whatever which usually makes you excited like playing outside, playing video games etc)
- Weight gain or weight loss without dieting and significant loss or increase in appetite
- Hypersomnia (Sleeping too much) or Insomnia (Problems to initiate or stay asleep)
- Lethargy
- Feeling worthless and being delusional that every single shit in this world is practically your fault
- Can't concentrate much or you feel difficult to make a decision
- Psychomotor retardation (feeling slow) or agitation (feeling anxious)
- Suicidal ideation or if severe, suicidal attempts
The abyss does really provide a lot of stuff to people who stuck in it and the time in which we experienced such sadness seem to run forever. Do you get the feeling of the time progresses much faster if you were doing something worthwhile or fun? This time, you felt terrible and the world seems to move rather slower than usual. The environment is a little bit dimmer and the sunshine seems to be blocked by an unseen barrier making it worse. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that people can only be diagnosed with MDD if they are not taking any substance which might have caused such symptoms. For example, people who were having schizophrenia or any psychotic disorders, they were mandated by their psychiatrists to take antipsychotics to control their psychotic symptoms. One of the side effects of antipsychotics is depression, it will cause some symptoms and if the symptoms can be explained by such drugs used, then it is not MDD.
There are a lot of studies which have proved that depression can be inherited and its effect is quite prominent among twins, especially, monozygotic twins. I'm not saying that you are definitely going to get depressed if both of your parents were depressed, but it certainly gives a perspective if you were depressed. According to Berrettini, the genetic component of depression, especially for those who werre having bipolar disorder, can be as high as 80%. It is really difficult to be determined as depression does not follow the general rule of inheritance stated by Gregor Mendel signifying that there can be a lot of complex pathways which is assumed by an individual which includes interaction between the vulnerability factor and the environment. Some people can be depressed solely due to genetic and some might have experienced depression due to an adverse life event which is perceived as "too much". Regardless, one of the most popular vulnerability factors have been presented by Brown and Harris, stating that people who experienced either one of the four factors listed below have a higher tendency to develop depression:
- Children who lose their own mother before the age of 11 years old
- Parents who have more than 3 children under the age of 14 years old
- Any individual with a poor support system
- People who were unemployed
So, a lot of people can be included based on the list below as someone who stands at the middle ground; either they will stay there, or they will fall. Out of all of the people who are depressed, there are a certain group of people who just being depressed because the way they think about themselves and how the perceived the world to be like. I mean, you can't live happily if you were thinking this world is a place for punishment after Adam and Eve got banished from the heaven. The statement "what if" can be dangerous, not only to your belief system but also to your mental health. Some people don't even realise they were depressed because of their distorted way of thinking. Whatever opinion we hold, life goes on at a rate it should be.
Anhedonia And Gaming
Anhedonia is a complicated word to describe a situation whereby we lose interest in something we once, enjoyed doing. In the past, I love to socialise with a different group of people, hanging out in malls, read some fictions during my spare time and exercise at the gym. After I've fallen into the dark and scary dungeon, what matters to me, is to just stay put on my bed, watching the clock ticking, stealing away precious time from me. I didn't even have the enthusiasm to do anything. I'm not sure I still love blogging anymore and I spent hours, scrolling the net, procrastinating what I'm supposed to be doing. That's when I started to find my own identity in the world of online gaming. I've spent hours, sometimes, didn't even have proper meals for days, grinding and try to collect as many items as I can while participating in as many online-related events that I could. Yes, if not for the depression, I might have been diagnosed with online gaming addiction already.
I have read a few papers on online gaming addiction and one of them caught my attention. A paper which was written and published by Naskar S et al in 2016 has categorised gamers into a few categories. I believe, @conficker used to write an article based on that and it was quite interesting. If you are passionate about gaming, which gaming personality are you? I'm definitely an explorer as I can't be an achiever while being pretty bad at gaming, it will accentuate my depression instead of giving a sense of calm. I love exploring an open world gaming system which would explain why I would repeat the same game for the sake of exploring all kind of plotlines exclusive for a certain character. For some, it is pointless to play the same storyline just to have a different class of character but for me, it is kinda worth it. I was too busy, searching for various items without even realise that a month has passed. How much wasted I am? I've raised the issue to my psychiatrist and according to her, it is a valid, common situation for someone with depression to seek a different kind of experience in the virtual world.
We got frustrated as we can't control a certain aspect of life and as a result, we turn our attention and focus to games, which can be altered (with limited capacities) according to the way we like it. Do you want to kill someone? Do it! Do you want to rob someone? Go do it! Do you want to be the most powerful character in the game? Just fucking do it already! Does the experience gain felt rewarding? Yes, it is but the more I think about it, the more I questioned my motives of being disinterested in almost all activities that can build up my character (in the real world) and got hooked up with something which can't be materialised in the real world. For those who wonder, I'm not against gaming, take a chill pill. I'm an avid gamer myself but when I'm depressed, my enthusiasm for gaming grows sky high. Almost nothing can stop it from propelling upwards except for my sanity (for now). Escapism at its best; my character earned the strongest equipment that anyone could get and here I am, sitting in front of the computer, wearing boxer shorts while clicking the mouse and keyboard.
By the way, online gaming addiction is not yet an official psychiatric diagnosis and there are a lot of criteria (it's different for different authors) and exceptions to the rule; people were expecting that this diagnosis would eventually be included in the future DSM. In one of the journals I read, it stated that people who work as a professional gamer should be excluded from the diagnosis in which I can't seem to think why is it so. The explanation is inadequate and I would hope somewhere in the future people would explain that, if it is to be included as a component to the diagnosis.
Picking Up The Pieces
In conclusion, starting today, I'm going to try my best to get better. I'm not sure why I can't see that I am a part of a wonderful community on Steemit. @steemstem has helped me so much so it is time for me to give whatever I can, back to the community; in other words, @chloroform is up and ready. I would admit, it is not easy to overcome depression, I would have to comply with the medications, attend follow-ups and find a strong social support since I'm losing one right now. It's time for me to pick the things that I've shattered. If you, readers, has been diagnosed or has successfully overcome depression, you would understand how I feel. Not completely, but still you get the gist. Thank you for your attention to my continuous rumbling and have a nice day.
References And Further Reading Materials
- Pathophysiology of depression and mechanisms of treatment. Retrieved on August 12th, 2018.
- Are the Brown and Harris "vulnerability factors" risk factors for depression?. Retrieved on August 12th, 2018.
- Molecular linkage studies of bipolar disorder.. Retrieved on August 12th, 2018.
- “One level more:” A narrative review on internet gaming disorder. Retrieved on August 12th, 2018.
- Understanding anhedonia: What happens in the brain?. Retrieved on August 12th, 2018.
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