Steem Wars: No, I Would Not Recommend This Product

This is Part 1 of a community-written sci-fi parody serial.

Our mission:
As delivered by @gmuxx, The Time Lord: Your crew is to visit the Spleen system and investigate a time-space-interface anomaly, which interferes with Strawberro 9's atmosphere.

Our crew:
Galacdictator Tangle (@tanglebranch): Character profile here
Underlord Negavader (@negativer): Character profile here
Byepeex Reist-Stoomtrooper Destroyer (@jasonbu): Character profile here
Sixty-Wine (@caleblailmusik): Character profile here

Bridge of the Intangible, Perfector Class War Vessel, serial number BYOB-9021-O

“This is the last time I order anything from Ikeazon.”

The big box of robot parts on the floor sat there looking stupid. Sixty-Wine, my voluptuous arse. There wasn't even one bottle of wine in that box, let alone sixty. Ikeazon was going to get a scathing one-star review, and that’s only because you have to give at least one star to write a review, otherwise it would just be zero stars. In fact, negative stars would be more appropriate.

“That reminds me.” I pressed the comm button on the arm of my throne. “Underlord Negavader, report to my bridge-chambers.”

He trotted in a few moments later, or something. I was busy writing that one-star review. He said words, appropriately subservient and probably whiny.

“Yes, yes. Listen, have we arrived at that Cranberro 9 place yet?”

“S-Strawberro 9. In the Spleen system, Galacdictator Tangle. That’s the planet Dr. Muxx assigned us to visit.”

“Assigned! Ha! I wouldn't give that Dr. Moose the time of day if my life depended on it! I accepted no such assignment, certainly not from the likes of him, I’m the one who hands out assignments in the galaxy and he’d be wise to remember it.”

The Underlord nodded. “Yes. Ma’am. But then, ah, why did we come here?”

I laughed and ate a perogy. “Oh, my young apprentice. How much you have to learn. A Galacdictator never misses an opportunity to bring another backwater planet under her control. When I solve this trampoline monopoly for the people of Strawberro 9, they will surely pledge their undying allegiance to me.”

“Isn’t--isn’t it a time-space-interface anomaly, interfering with their atmosphere, ma’am?”

“That’s what I said. Pay attention. Now, once we are in orbit, put on your planet-visiting garments and go down to the surface and figure out what’s going wrong, and then fix it. I'll monitor things from up here and accept their adoration when you're finished.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“While you're there, you can deliver these leaflets.” I pressed another button and a large pile of glossy tracts spewed out of the replicator. “Give them to the good people of Stewbiscuit 9 and tell them how wonderful life will be when they accept me as their savior.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He looked perplexed or something. Poor naive little soul. “But how will I carry them?”

“Put them in this wine box.” A lightbulb flashed above my head. “Ah! I have a wonderful idea. See if you can put together this robot I mistakenly received. Perhaps it can be of use to me.”

“Shall I do that before or after I go to the surface, ma’am?”

I suppressed a groan. Sometimes he could be so dense. “Do them at the same time, you dunce. I recall your resume said you were good at multitasking. Now is an excellent time to prove it.”

“Of course, ma’am. No sweat.”

“Run along then. Dismissed.”

I watched him tossing handfuls of leaflets into the box full of robot parts. Nothing pleases me more than seeing my minions hard at work. He awkwardly carried the box out and the doors sighed shut behind him.

Alone, I ate another perogy and turned on the viewing screen. A cheerfully pink-and-purple planet hung from a black string in front of the star-spangled backdrop. Faint, doughy protrusions could be seen here and there among the clouds, but the Intangible was still too far away for the sensors to tell me what they were.