Was there even force?
Was it really rape?
How could it be if you kept going back?
How could it be if you didn't call it that?
Let me try to explain what you couldn't know as someone
Whose arm he didn't bruise
Whose stomach he didn't punch
Whose trust he didn't play with
Whose mind he didn't mutilate.
Imagine your best friend.
See them there.
Think about your secrets that they've protected.
Think about their secrets that you hold.
Think about the inside jokes that you two built together.
Think about the places you have gone.
Think of all they've done for you and all you've done for them.
Think of how much you would do for them.
Now imagine today they tell you intimate details of the sex they have with their partner.
Everything else stays the same.
A few months later they confide in you and only you about their pregnancy scare.
Everything else stays the same.
A few months later they tell you how beautiful you are to an excessive point.
Everything else stays the same.
A few months later they start punching you for fun.
Everything else stays the same.
Later they send you a text about how they want to fuck you on a desk and rip a hole in your tights.
Everything else stays the same.
A month later they comfort you and guide you through your breakup.
A week later they cuddle with you.
Everything else stays the same.
You feel guilty. You tell them how nothing else like that should happen since they have a girlfriend.
They tell you you're beautiful. They're attracted to you.
Everything else stays the same.
A week later they have their arm around you and slowly unzip your dress. You don't say anything. You're not sure if it's happening, why it's happening so slowly, or why they aren't saying anything.
Half naked yourself, you mention his girlfriend.
And then you two make out.
And then he puts your hand on his genitals.
And then he touches you.
All you can think is what an honor it is for him to think you're beautiful.
Yet you tell him how fast he's moving.
He knows how far you've gone, and this is it.
And you remind him just in case.
And he laughs.
Later that week you share a single kiss.
Next week he tries to put his penis inside you without asking a thing.
You've never done that before.
He is unable to penetrate you, because in your fear your vagina is clenching. It's a defense mechanism. Look up: vaginismus.
He pushes and pushes and he tries to enter you. He is unable to enter you. He keeps trying. He doesn't ask if you're okay. You're not okay. This is the most painful thing that you have ever felt. This is the most humiliating and degrading thing that has ever happened to you. This is the most violating thing that has ever happened to you.
He tells you you're so tight.
It's your fault.
Your body doesn't work.
You should be honored that your friend who you think so highly of wants you like this.
You can't speak.
You can't move.
You're trying not to cry to save yourself further embarrassment.
He puts you on your back in the middle of the bed and he tells you spread your legs.
You can't. They keep shutting and shutting.
He holds your legs apart. They keep resisting. He keeps pushing himself into you. He can't get in no matter how hard he pushes. And it hurts. It hurts like nothing else.
He decides to use the condom he secretly brought, and he tells you he's using it simply because of the lubrication it will provide and not the protection it will provide.
You will spend years blaming yourself for not asking for protection.
You will eventually come to realize that a condom would not protect you from him.
Even with the condom he has trouble getting in. This has been going on too long.
Not once has he asked if you're okay.
Not once has he cared that you're in pain.
He just wants to get in.
You want this to end.
You blame yourself, your stupid, ugly, not functional body for letting him down.
You don't see how he's let you down. You can't.
Your eyes are closed.
He makes his way in.
And now this is the most painful thing you've ever felt.
Your best friend thrusts into you for a while.
He never asks if you're okay.
You're not okay.
He asks if you want to get on top.
You say no very adamantly.
He doesn't ask if you want to stay on bottom.
He thrusts into you.
You're not okay.
You're in pain.
Your best friend seems fine.
Was there even force?
I can tell you that he didn't get it easily. He worked pretty hard for what he wanted. He had no help accomplishing it. He had to push many times and hard. He had to cause you pain you've never known.
Was it really rape?
Yes.
How could it be if you kept going back?
Even people who are raped in more textbook scenarios have trouble accepting what happened to them was rape. Look up: betrayal bond. Think about your best friend. Do you believe they could ever rape you? Would you believe it if they did?
How could it be if you didn't call it that?
This is not your journey. This is mine. I am calling it that. I am calling it rape. I am calling him a rapist. I am calling myself a victim and a survivor. It just took me a while to open my eyes.
