I’ve lived in China for nine years. It looks like I’ll be moving back to America next year so recently I’ve been considering the past nine years and writing down my thoughts. As I was writing, I realized a few of my stories could possibly be appreciated here. I never gave them much thought at the time, but upon reflection they are... unsettling, to say the least.
I was only supposed to stay here one or two years. During those first years I dated a few Chinese women. Now, something I didn’t know about them is that they can get very serious very quickly. If they agree to date you, that means they have already considered marriage as a possibility. I really wish I had known that, as I could have avoided quite a bit of heart-breaking. A couple of my girlfriends were downright frightening.
I had been in Qingdao for 2 weeks when I met Nell. Chinese people pick weird-ass English names.
Nell was 20, and worked in my office. She was short (maybe 5 feet with heels), a little chubby, and she seemed like a nice girl who was always eager to help me out, which is nice to have when one is living in a new country. Because of her willingness to help me get shit done (bank account, find apartments, you know, boring stuff) we spent a lot of time together.
After about two weeks we were dating. I probably shouldn’t have started dating her; it was really a relationship of convenience for me. She did not feel the same way. I started to see her behavior change almost immediately after our first date.
It started with little lies.
Nell claimed to have taught herself English in 2 months. She told me she was born in Beijing one day and Harbin the next. She said her father was the boss of the company we worked at. These are just a few little things. Bigger than white lies, but not huge. What was bothersome is that she would change her story daily. Like I was with a different person every day. Even her accent would change. Then it escalated.
We were in a park and Nell said we should get that puppy we talked about before. We had never talked about a puppy. She said that I bought one for her the night of our first date and two days later she threw it out, so i promised to get her another one. I never bought her a puppy, not even stuffed. So I told her point blank, “That never happened.” And she just looks at me like I paused her. After about 30 seconds she gets up and walks away and I didn’t see her until work the next day.
I should have broken up with her right then and there. A few more things like that happened. She got herself a puppy and said it was from me. The puppy disappeared and she said she put it with the other one I got her. God, I should have left her. At this point we’re 3 weeks into the relationship.
She says we should take a trip to a nearby town for three day weekend we have. Just the two of us. I figure it should be pretty nice so i agree. All is smooth until we get off the train and her mother picks us up. At this point she’s told me her home town is Beijing and Harbin, not Weifang where we are. I was pissed because I know meeting the parents is like a proposal in China.
I was trying to be a nice guy, but this was just too much. We got taken back to her house, which was in a tiny village far outside of the already small town. Imagine rows of old Chinese style houses with narrow muddy roads between them. Donkeys pulling carts. 2 year olds running around naked. An absolute shit hole, to be honest. I was not happy. It couldn’t get worse, could it?
It could. Grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, and god knows who waited for us at the house. Not everyone could even fit in. There must have been 50+ people there. They even set up 10 or so tables in the road in front of her house for people to eat at. I got really drunk. Like black out drunk, which was strange, because I don’t remember drinking much. I think I was drugged.
Apparently I got the blessing from her grandfather to marry her, and then they performed a ceremony right then and there. Black out drunk/drugged and no Chinese ability kind of fucked me over that night. When I woke up Nell told me she was so happy to be my wife and that she loved consummating our marriage the night before.
At this point, I was officially panicking. I had heard of women being kidnapped in China, taken back to tiny villages and then forced into marriage with no way of escape until they have children and give up on escaping. Was that was happened to me? Can they do that to Americans?
After much thought I decided to ride out the weekend pretending to be happy newlyweds. I was afraid that they might not let me go unless they thought I wasn’t a flight risk — which I most certainly was.
Two days go by and we need to go back to work. Her father drives us to the train station and tells me he can’t wait until next month when I come to visit again.
The second we’re back in Qingdao I broke up with her. She took it as expected, saying I broke all of my promises, screaming, crying, etc. Holy shit it was wild. I didn’t see her at work the next day, but when I came home I found what i can only assume were the decomposing remains of two puppies on my bed with a note that said, “You keep our kids.”
I should have never dated again. The next was worse.