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I've lost 2 wives and I can trace back through the history of both relationships and tell you where it all began. It began with me blowing up on them for saying something to me that invoked guilt. But I like to believe that I am a critical thinker. What ever was said to me, and it was pointed out to me by BOTH wives, mind you, was subject to my own interpretation and it isn't right to blame them, rather I "MADE" myself angry by choosing to interpret their statements as "Guilt Inducing Speech".
This made perfect sense to me and I apologized for my behavior as knee jerk unawareness on my part as I had been raised by a mother who controlled me using guilt and I was highly sensitive to it. However, I really had no reason to regard what they said as guilt inducing and what makes it even stranger is, the statements they made to me actually lead to praise for a job well done and apologies from them for doubting me. But as the years went by, the fact that "No One Made Me Do Anything - I React to my own Interpretations and therefore I Am Responsible For How I Feel" began to take it's toll.
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Even though I believed I was ALWAYS showing both of my wives, what I considered "LOVE", i.e., taking care of them, having fun with them, great sex, and even exhibiting some "bad boy" behavior every now and then, (to their delight), the occasional gifts and more or less, lots of engaging activity including assisting them in their own personal development, they could not take being IGNORED by me whenever they used what I considered to be "Guilt Inducing Language" which I considered to be an attempt to manipulate me.
In other words, right at the point where I would usually become defensive towards them, thus prompting them to point their fingers at me and remind me that I am CHOOSING to react based on my interpretation of how I feel, I would simply ignore the guilt inducing question/statement. I would smile but I would not answer. And because of that I was accused of being cold and unfeeling.
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Two days ago, I was talking to a woman about this phenomena and she gave me a protocol for communicating love by knowing my wife in a different way and by a different "language". She said there were 5 love languages and there was a test to determine which languages best described the protocol for communicating with a spouse.
1. Verbal
2. Physical
3. Act of Service
4. Gifts
5. Quality Time
So, I decided to post the test right here, right now and get some Steemian Opinions - I wish I had this test the first time. I would still be with her.
There are combinations of these 5 Love Languages that apply to everyone, and the test determines your own combination by degrees. Here's the test: (you might want to use paper and pencil to keep track here)
For each pair of the following statements, circle the one that fits you best within your relationship.
If you are not currently in a relationship, try to imagine how you would like to be treated if you were. Or think about how you like to be treated by family members and close friends.
1. I like to receive encouraging or affirming notes A I like to be hugged E
2. I like to spend one on one time with my close friends B I feel loved when someone gives me practical help D
3. I like it when people give me gifts C I like leisurely visits with friends and loved ones B
4. I feel loved when people do things to help me D I feel loved when people give me a reassuring handshake or hug E
5. I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts their arm around me E I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone I admire or love C
6. I like to go places with with friends or loved ones B I like to high-five or slap around with friends who are special to me E
7. Visible symbols of love (such as gifts) are important to me C I feel loved when people affirm me A
8. I like to sit close to people I enjoy being around E I like it when people tell me I'm attractive/handsome A
9. I like to spend time with friends and loved ones B I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones C
10. Words of acceptance are important to me A I know someone loves me when he or she helps me D
11. I like being together and doing things with friends & loved ones B I like it when kind words are spoken to me A
12. What someone does affects me far more than what they say D Hugs make me feel connected and valued E
13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism A Several small gifts me more to me than one large gift C
14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together B I feel closer to friends & loved ones when we wrestle, hug or shake hands E
15. I like for people to compliment my achievements A I know people love me when they do things for me they don't enjoy doing D
16. I like for people to cross the street to shake hands or hug when they see me E I like when people listen to me & show genuine interest in what I'm saying B
17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects D I really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones C
18. I like for people to compliment my appearance A I feel loved when people take the time to understand my feelings B
19. I feel secure when a special person is physically close to me E Acts of service make me feel loved D
20. I appreciate the many things that special people do for me D I like to receive gifts that special people make for me C
21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone give me undivided attention B I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone does some act to serve me D
22. I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with a gift C I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words A
23. I know a person is thinking of me when they give me a gift C I feel loved when a person helps me with my chores or tasks D
24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn't interrupt me B I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift C
25. I like knowing loved ones are concerned enough to help with my daily tasks D I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me B
26. I don't mind the "kiss-hello" with friends I am close to E Receiving a gift given for no special reason excites me C
27. I like to be told that I am appreciated A I like for a person to look at me when they are talking B
28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me C I feel loved when a friend or a loved one hugs or touches me E
29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested D I feel love when I am told how much I am appreciated A
30. I need physical contact with people everyday E I need words of encouragement and affirmation everyday A
Now go through the quiz and count how many "A,B,C,D and Es" you circled and place the totals accordingly
A = Words of Affirmation
B= Quality Time
C= Receiving Gifts
D= Acts of Service
E= Physical Touch
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
One of your deepest needs is the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and humble words are all ways to show love to you.
Quality Time
You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We aren't talking about just sitting in front of the TV together but really giving each other undivided attention. This means looking at each other, talking to each other, sharing your life with your partner.
Receiving Gifts
You are happy to receive things from your loved ones. They don't have to be expensive. The gift is a symbol of "s/he cares about me" and "s/he thinks of me".
Acts of Service
For you, actions speak louder than words! You prefer your partner to do things for you such as cooking a meal, giving a massage, cleaning the room . . . You like your partner to initiate the acts of service and put efforts into doing them to show that s/he cares.
Physical Touch
You love to receive a hug, a kiss, squeezes on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face, and an arm around he waist . . . Touches can be 10 times as powerful and comforting as any words!
I wish I had known this before. Take a lesson and avoid being lonely . . . . .
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Further reading on "the five love languages" can be found at http://www.5lovelanguages.com or the book "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Dr. Gary Chapman