He had grown tired of his life. Or, maybe, it was life that had grown tired of him... He hated his job -- it was nothing he had ever dreamt of doing. But society had dictated that he act responsibly now that he had a family -- something else he had never planned on...
But, sometimes things just happen -- you meet a girl, she gets pregnant… And just like that, all these things you never counted on.., are your life. He loved his wife and child, but the facts remained, always in the back of his mind -- how did I get here.., am I really this person..?
As a younger man, he flouted, the rules society forced upon people. He watched his own parents live a life of utter misery.., because society had told them, too. And he never understood why one of them, didn't just pick-up and leave -- putting them both out of the hell, that had permeated into the very walls they had built.
Never once, had he thought of being a husband.., a father -- never pictured it in his mind. And surely, a marriage based on a "one night stand" that happen to produce a baby, would not last. But it did… For over 10 years, he woke, kissed his wife, played with his child.., and worked for the man, so to speak.
He wore a nice (expensive) suit. Had lunch, at the club. "Friends" that admired him, even emulated him… But still, almost everyday.., the same thoughts invaded his daily monotony -- What happened to my life -- Is this it -- Is this the life I will lead til I die -- Who have I become -- Who am I..? Everyday without fail.., these same thoughts would sneak up and haunt, this man he had become… He had lost his own identity.., and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about.
Until one day -- the fateful day, that would confront him with everything he ever doubted… Challenge not only his mind, but his very spirit. Inflict upon him, a "mind-fuck" so great, he might never recover... While having trouble with his computer, he logged on to his wife's… After, he was done with his business, before he logged off, he saw a folder marked "Megan," his daughter.
Thinking it would be some cute photos, or something to that effect, he opened it… It was a bunch of legal documents, a blood test, health records.., even a DNA test. But what really caught his eye were the 2 birth certificates. There is always that moment, before your world comes crashing down.., that feeling in the pit of your stomach, a split second before it actually happens… It' so quick, this inkling -- that it's actually quite cruel.
To know, a split second before it happens, before the facade of your very life is ripped from your soul… That fortuitous moment feels like an eternity -- a torturous, perpetual eternity. He knew in his heart before he even clicked on the file.., as if the universe was telepathically speaking to him -- the child was not his…
Even staring at these documents, the feeling in his bones.., the universe communicating directly to him -- he still could not grasp the magnitude of what he was seeing… He couldn't wrap his mind around it. Intellectually, he knew what this meant… The last 10 years of his life were a complete lie. His family, job, his house, the suits.., his fucking car. And yes.., even his very own identity -- all a lie.
"Unless we base our sense of identity upon the truth of who we are, it is impossible to attain true happiness."
But as all these thoughts flooded his mind, all at once… He could not focus, on a single one -- it was too much -- overload. As the room spun, walls closing in on him -- white noise -- static noise the only thing he could hear… He could feel his heart racing, beating right through his chest -- he focused his thoughts on the rhythm of his pulsating heart.
As it slowed… as it beat, still harder and more pronounced than ever before… The noise in his head just stopped.., and there was a silence he had not experienced, in this lifetime. A strange comforting silence… That caressed his very soul.., and coaxed him back to reality. A reality that no longer existed -- that was no more.
The thought of confronting his wife.., gave him no comfort. His child.
For the first time in his life.., suicide flashed through his mind, though fleeting -- it jolted him back to the present.., and his new reality. Although, he was not much of a drinker, the first thing he did was reach for a bottle of scotch, he had received as a gift from one of his clients.., and poured himself, a healthy glass.
As he sipped his drink… The image of holding his new-born baby girl played, like a loop, over and over, in his head. Men didn't cry in his family.., it was the surest way to a beating, from his very manly, unhappy father. But, for maybe the first time since his childhood.., he could feel tears slowly rolling down his face…
He wondered if these thoughts of self-doubt, that he had, on a daily basis.., were somehow a foresight, into what was unravelling before his tear soaked eyes… Had, the universe -- something bigger than himself, been trying to clue him into, the lie.., that was his life… The typical emotions were what followed, next. Anger. Thoughts of violence. But that was not who he was…
He knew the sight of his wife… The very thought of her voice -- could, and maybe would bring out those lower based emotions he never cared for… But, what was his next move -- divorce… Leaving his child, his baby girl -- the light of his life. The booze was taking effect., but instead of getting him drunk, it had only helped him to focus, calm his nervous system -- relax his mind.
And, as if the heavens above.., were speaking to him -- he heard a voice in his head. "Just leave. You never planned on being here -- You never wanted to be here -- Just leave." It was true… Even though, he had grown to "love" his wife, it was not the kind of love made of fairytales -- but more like one of coexistence. And, there was no doubt, the depth of love he held in his heart, for the little girl.., he just found out was not his…
He got on his computer, which now, miraculously.., was working… And started to move some things around. He opened a trust for the girl, a rather late one. Even though, she was not his biologically, he was the only father she had ever known.., and there was no doubt, either, of her love for him -- she was definitely.., a Daddy's girl.
The tears that had subsided.., had now returned, as he thought of not being the first face he little girl would see, every morning… But he knew, if he stayed.., it would all blow-up, someday.., in an ugly scene. Being someone that moved money around for a living (that job he hated), the trust for her was set in stone -- not a thing his wife could do about it or access it. He left the rather large joint bank accounts for her…
Next, he packed a bag… Just one bag, from a lifetime… Grabbed his favorite picture, of him and his baby girl. But before he left… He pulled up the the folder on his wife's computer, that brought to light, the transgressions of her past -- and left it on her screen. He opened a note pad.., and started to type…
"I found this today, by sheer accident… And, let me start by saying -- I don't hate you. I actually still love you, in some weird way. But what breaks my heart more than someone like you will ever be able to comprehend… Is having to leave my baby girl. She has made these past 10 years, some of the happiest of my life… But, what I realize now.., it is not my life. It was a lie. Something the universe never had in store for me… But rather something you conjured up, out of sheer convenience -- and possibly, some fear. Fear of being a woman alone.., and pregnant, with a child. And for that -- I forgive you, all your lies… I understand, where they were born… But you have taken from me what only life can give -- my very own identity… I now, I must take it back. Good-bye."
