As part of my campaign to improve myself and become a much better person I have started donating children to animal charities. I took time out of my busy weekend loafing schedule to drop off a couple yesterday. As you can see from the photo, Ripper was delighted to meet his new chew toys. I know I'm a fool to myself, using my valuable leisure time to carry out this task, but I'm a giver. In this case I gave two orphans. I'm not one to brag. I'm not one to virtue signal, so I'll admit they were my least productive orphans. They really weren't churning out enough Nike products to justify the expense of a small bowl of rice a day. I've got overheads, a mansion and a swimming pool. It costs to maintain them. That's not even taking into account my fleet of luxury vintage cars or the three jets. I've made a small sacrifice for the good of my karma and a dangerous animal sanctuary. Just because they've killed before doesn't make these vicious beasts any less deserving of our love. Having made the world a better place I can now sleep more soundly in my luxury diamond encrusted bed. I know I can't expect everyone to give as much as I have, but any contribution, no matter how small and insignificant yours may be, will help. If you haven't got an orphan to spare why not donate a kitten instead. Be careful when you give it to him though. Otherwise Ripper will have your arm off, so I'd suggest you throw it overarm from a great distance. Probably best if you take a run up.
(The copyright to this image is the property of abc.net.au.)
"I've got some really interesting biometrics you might want to hear about." Hermes announced as Jake left the meeting.
"I'm not falling for it." Jake replied. "Not after you pissed off to moon over Morag. I'm not interested in hers or anyone else's biometrics."
"Well you might be interested in this particular individual. Do you want to know who it is?" The AI wheedled.
"No. I'm going to find Pip. Then we are going to pay the crew." He headed up on deck, taking the steps two at a time.
"It's you." Hermes crowed.
"Well there you go." Jake responded wearily. "From not being at all interested my interest has slumped dramatically. To the point where I am going to avoid listening to you."
"You can't though, can you?"
"Correct. Not even if I stick my fingers in my ears and go la, la,la. In order to avoid you nagging me to death I'm going to allow you to reveal these bloody biometrics, but I warn you if Morag becomes involved in any of this I will do a full reset and reboot of your entire personality. I've reached the end of my tether and traveled so far past it I cannot even see it in my rear view mirror."
"That's not nice." The internal intelligence whined.
"Neither is being shot six times and having a slug in your right ass cheek for several hours. Because you took a frigging vacation. You're supposed to be keeping me safe. Not dicking about with a potential girlfriend. Spit it out you cock. I've got work to do. Assuming I can find Pip. Where the hell is she?"
"She's in the hold of the captured ship, checking there are no more surprises." The collective consciousness advised.
"Brilliant. Now I've got to make a management decision. Is securing the hold of the galleon more important than paying the crew?"
"Hey! Are you trying to distract me from my intended purpose?"
"Yes."
"That's not going to work. Not with my digital intellect."
"I beg to disagree. Given that, as previously stated, your prime directive is to protect me. Yet despite that being your core program, you pissed off to sext one of the ship's engineers. Leaving me in the lurch with an extremely dangerous woman on the warpath. I dread to think how many ways Doxy could slice and dice me. Shit I just remembered I got shot again by a nervous nerd in a cave. That's not a sentence I ever expected to say."
"Actually that composite round was very interesting. Once I'd found it. Whoever designed it had made it near frictionless as well as increasing the penetrative power by a large margin. Given its characteristics and likely muzzle velocity, if it had been in a larger more powerful weapon or had a bigger propulsive charge it would have gone right through you and out the other side."
"Cool. You must remind me to thank Poppy for not accidentally blowing my fucking arm off. In addition to all my other worries, I now have to be aware that Doxy will have that in her arsenal before too long. Given the number of times she's popped a cap in me, that is most unwelcome. There's no telling what she can and will do with that type of munition. Apart from use it the first chance she gets. That Impenatranium armor will be about as useful as edible underwear. I'm going to need a tank to interact with her in future. Either that or only talk to her via comms, from the top of a tall building. Oh God I'm loosing it here. That woman evokes strong reactions in me."
"You can say that again. Your oxytocin and vasopressin levels spike whenever you look at her. We've also got testosterone, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. Making up a chemical stew. I think you're falling in love with that lady. There's no use denying it be...."
"Yeah. I believe you could be right. I hope you're wrong, but I don't know. I've only fallen in love once before. That was less than a month ago I think. Feels longer. That's only to be expected considering more has happened in the last 24 hours than the first forty years of my life. There are mayflies that have crammed more in than I have."
"Bugger." Hermes exclaimed. "I was going to tease you about that to distract you from bawling me out. Now all I've got is sympathy with you. Why don't you say something?"
At this juncture Jake sorely wished Hermes had a body he could glare at in disbelief.
"You mean aside from her shooting me numerous times and killing me once? Let's put a pin in that since I've been bitching about it all day and instead get to the other insurmountable barriers. I told Sharon I loved her, at least I think I did. I might not have said those words, but they were implicit in my other actions. I said I'd find her in The Never come what may. I definitely remember that. I can't really turn up and say, oh by the way I've also hooked up with this stunningly beautiful sociopathic criminal. Only a few weeks after you left. I bet you'll both get on like a house on fire. That's not going to go down well. Then I am aware that Doxy is still recovering from her infatuation with Jean-Pierre. That even though it was purely down to that creatures toxic hormones, she was psychologically harmed. Who knows what mental scars something like that could leave? She may never be able to form an attachment to another human being again."
"I see what you mean. That is a bit of a bind, isn't it."
"Oh I haven't finished yet. I rarely manage not to disappoint her. My every action rubs her up the wrong way. We argue incessantly over the most minor of issues. I am a thorn in her side. I've probably done things I'm completely unaware of that have deserved each and every bullet and my own death. I might have gotten off lightly. I don't know. I'm useless at this sort of thing. I was married to a woman I didn't love for years. Had a very brief affair with someone who I thought of as my soulmate and now I've fallen for another woman who is so far out of my league it's embarrassing. For her more than me."
His companion allowed him to wind down.
"You're beginning to labor the point a bit. There are a lot of barriers. She is far too beautiful and intelligent for you, but you've boned Morag. I'm not envious of that. I'm jealous of the fact you can have another go. She's already told me she's up for it. Should you desire a repeat performance."
Jake spoke without thinking.
"Did she? Oh God. What am I saying? I'm like a dog with two dicks. I don't know which way to turn. I'm going to go and find Pip. She can make the decision."
"I don't think that's a good idea." His AI advised. "I mean she's very mature for her age but what would she know about adult relationships. Way more than you I suppose. That might not be enough though."
"No you idiot. I'm going to ask her which has greater priority. Paying the crew or sorting out whatever cargo there is in that galleon."
"Oh right. That does make more sense."
He hadn't been back to the captured prize since his storming of it. Not into its depths anyway. Jake found his way to the hold. There was a team going through the jumble of cargo. It hadn't been stored. Things had been thrown in. In an effort to disguise that nuclear weapon it seemed. They'd discussed that during the meeting. Doxy outlining all that had happened. For most of them it was information they already had. Either first or second hand. They'd done some brainstorming as to what the grand scheme might be if all the random threads were part of the same thing. Nothing new came up. The conflicting parts didn't make sense. A plot to defraud her. The attack on Harrowmist and the bird people, or Simbri, handing over their scroll. They could all be linked or completely separate.
The thing was movies, TV series and books loved to have a great evil that was being fought against. There would be a few side quests and at some point near the end as the ultimate foe was fought you'd find that some of those side quests were part of the whole evil scheme. Real life wasn't like that. Generally you knew the actions that were perpetrated by your main enemy. The rest were just those that got in your way. There was rarely a grand Nemesis with tentacles reaching out across everything. That was a favorite of conspiracy theorists. Each and every action was connected to some shadowy group that either ran the world or was seeking to do so. That didn't help. There was still the slim possibility that the problems they'd encountered had one progenitor. They weren't able to link them up due to lack of information. There could very well be other plots that they were unaware of. They could be taking place right now.
Unable to work anything concrete out, Jake moved on to his own spiritual journey. The Immram the red headed version of Raven had informed him he was on. Based on Celtic mythology for the most part. Then Christianized as morality tales about faith and God. Along the path the hero faced temptations. Raven had spoken of those. Was Doxy a temptation? In one way she had to be. Everything about her was pure sex appeal, once you got past her ability to kill you. As far as he could recall they were always falling for temptation. From some sorceress or nymph. Placed in their path and inevitably bedded. Was that what the Christians had added? It was hard to tell. He wished he'd paid more attention. To everything really but to Celtic mythology in particular. He'd read the Mabinogion for Christ's sake. Right now the only thing he knew about that was badger in a bag. Where they tricked an abusive husband into climbing into a sack and then beat the shit out of him. That wasn't an Immram though.
He should record things. Right now he wanted to blame Hermes. It was evasion. Jake had always been a lackadaisical dope. Sailing though life without noticing most of it. Too wrapped up in the battles taking place inside his head. Alexander, Caesar, Genghis Khan, Napoleon and Guderian. There wasn't a great general he couldn't name. That was a really useful life skill. One that would carry you to the top in any profession. No it wasn't. He'd wasted his time. Sticking to things he'd liked instead of forcing himself to grow and develop new interests. When had it happened anyway? This falling in love with Scarlet. He'd only recently worked out that was her name. Even now it was only the name she used. Her actual real name could be Daphne. She wasn't going to tell him. Scarlet was a riddle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery and armed to the teeth. Her perfect teeth were probably armed as well. He wasn't sure whether he'd thought that before. He was awful at this stuff.
There were members of the crew sticking pieces of shattered wood together. Jake stopped dead in his tracks. That was debris from the hole Daisy had blasted in the side of a ship. Surely you couldn't repair that. They were though. Picking up pieces of the jigsaw and slotting them together before using a beam to join them. Now that was impressive. Almost as impressive as a woman clapping her hands and blowing a gaping chasm of destruction into a vessel three times the size of the one she was on. Some of these people had super powers. Every single one of them had skills. All he had was a leaky memory and an AI made up of millions of little biological robots. He was literally bringing nothing to the party. Cowardice was in short supply, but there wasn't a demand for it. A dirt encrusted Pip emerged from the hold, wiping her hands on a cloth.
"I've been looking for you." He opened. Glad to escape wallowing in his own inadequacy. "As quartermaster I'm supposed to pay the crew their shares. The Captain said you'd show me the ropes. Unless you're busy with more important things."
He'd seen a few ears prick up there. For once there was some interest in what he had to say.
"I'm not sure with this lot." Pip grinned. "Soon as they get paid they might jump ship. You're not going to do that are you?" She asked of the ships company.
They solemnly shook their heads.
"You see, now I'm not sure about anything. That's standard for me. Does that mean we should pay them or not?"
"Damn right we should." The youngster declared. "Once they get paid they'll work twice as hard to finish the repairs so they can have a proper shore leave. When we've salvaged what we can we'll get the ship builders and fitters in. They'll sort her out in no time. This beauty will be better than she ever was. Got to be worth at least 100,000 Bar. What do you say Barney?"
The supervisor of the repairs looked up from his inspection of the work.
"Aye Pip. That's if she's sold. Rumor has it we'll be shipping out in a fleet. Extra ship might come in handy." He didn't look too happy.
Dear Lord. Jake actually had some information they might be glad of.
"It's a done deal as far as the sale is concerned. The Captain will be sticking with just the Harlot for now. It's to much trouble finding a suitable commander for the ship. Then there's a new crew to bed in. She wouldn't want to lose any of you. After all that they'd need to become familiar with it. It would take too much time. So I'm told."
Barney looked a lot happier.
"Well I'll be buggered." He declared delightedly.
According to his prompt Hermes it was Suki who slapped Barney on the back.
"That you will Barney. There's no doubt about that."
Well they all laughed so it must have been funny. It was time to pay the crew. A task which Pip could have done on her own far quicker. Jake needed to find a way he could become useful. Simply for his own peace of mind.