If you're like me, this above GIF sort of makes me gag.

What sort of person are you?

Do you like yourself?

Do you dislike yourself?

Are you kind of grossed out about yourself?

This post is for that portion of humans who don't really like themselves.........

The self-haters of the world.

A friend just wrote a post about his attempted suicide and this really brings up a very important thing. A lot of us (myself included) don't like ourselves enough.

Although I have never attempted suicide, I was raised by a father who attempted to kill himself. He hung himself with a belt in our home, and survived bc the belt buckle broke. He also suffered a very long depression which made him like a ghost for several years. This episode haunted me to the core and I believe changed my own perception of reality.

I never tried to off myself, but I did engage in cutting myself at various times. One time while I was super drunk, I sliced open my arm, and my alcoholic buddy had to stop the bleeding by placing pressure on it. The incision I made in my arm was pretty massive, and I am lucky I didn't hit a huge vein and die. I did this cutting game with a friend, while drunk, and I felt nothing......and I believe both of us had some pretty dark death wishes on ourselves. This particular friend was an alcoholic since a very young age, and he suffered massively after he tried to get sober. He didn't consult a doctor, but just went cold turkey. His body didn't like that too much, and he had a withdrawal that resulted in a seizure while he was out walking in NYC. As his body fell to the sidewalk, his head was split open and he suffered brain damage.

He survived, and is still in recovery, but the last time I saw my friend he couldn't talk, and had uncontrollable movements. It was tragic.

This serves as an example of why you need to consult a medical doctor if you're considering going cold turkey. Seizures are most likely if you're addicted to alcohol. Face it. You will need help.

Well, this was not at all where I was headed in this blog.....I was going to explain why I think a lot of people don't love themselves. We are not raised loving ourselves. I still don't like myself. It's like I have this bodily sensation which constantly rejects my own being. I've been analyzing this since my teenage years, and it's not rational, but yet it persists.

So this idea is for all you self-haters out there. Here's your first assignment:

TAKE ONE DAY AND PRETEND YOU LOVE YOURSELF

Look, you can go back to hating yourself after the day is over, but just for one day, treat yourself as if you really loved yourself. If you have a hard time even visualizing this idea, first think about someone you love. Think of how you would treat that person you love. I would guess that many of us don't know how to love someone. But just create someone you would love, if need be. Then imagine what you would do for that person.

Would you take them out for dinner?

Would you give them a gift?

Would you say nice things to them?

Would you spend quality time with them?

Would you give them a foot massage to ease their stress?

Once you have visualized what you would do for someone you love, turn into the object of love yourself. Do those exact things for yourself. It will feel silly, but just pretend you are the object of someone's love. It will change you, I swear.

The first thing you need to do for this to work is assess your needs. Has it been a long time since you've received a massage? If you need that, then make an appointment. Has it been a long time since you had a nice dinner? Has it been a long time since you got something you want? Make lists of your needs to determine what you will do for yourself. Everyone has different needs (and I suppose I am talking only about privileged people, as I think basic survival activities, don't even allow you to consider such abstractions....)

Relax, you can go back to hating yourself the next day. Let your mind realize that you're only pretending to love yourself. In fact, you don't even have to like yourself in order to do this. You can pretend, give yourself that out. This is how I did it.

Ever since my trauma from years ago, I had gotten in the habit of neglecting myself. That daily neglect compounded over the years and formed a habit. I am still in this cycle. I have not healed. But I am now aware of this most of the time. I am taking some steps to stop it.....I have not figured out all the steps yet.

I dare some of you to try this....I might try it again soon, as it will be a good way to start the new year. I really do think it's true that you cannot fully love someone else without at least liking yourself. If you indulge in self-hatred, you'll likely abuse others, and cause them pain.

Here's to all the self-haters in the world....I get it,
Stella