I'm trying to move on from my most recent break up from a brilliant woman and most cells in my brain want me to call her back. Only a few ideas are allowing me to keep my distance, and these are ideas I want to get rid of: that she deserves better, younger, stronger. Relative relief arrived yesterday after a long day of hiking while waiting for the seabus, I sat besides a couple who was checking their own Chinese horoscope compatibility and I decided to read more about my own Chinese compatibility with my ex.
My catholic family does not believe in horoscopes, as the only method of divination allowed in the bible is the Urim Thimum, an oracle consisting of two stones representing yes and no. I find the Urim to be more dangerous than any other divination method, and have never found anyone that uses it. When I was little, my godfather tried to convince me of the absurdity of astrology, and now that I'm an adult, my sister has taken his role and keeps me checked when I mention I've noticed that at this point in my life, I feel drawn to strong women, three recent ones in the sign of Leo. I told my sister I take horoscopes like metaphors that are usually more universal than comparing my ex to a chess bishop and myself to a knight. The truth is that horoscopes are better metaphors than chess pieces, and sometimes signs are surprisingly accurate in their observations of human nature.
This ex was my first Leo girlfriend, and it was like fireworks. I've been in intense relationships before where the girl played the role of demanding and I tried to satisfy her every wish. The intensity with my most recent ex was different in that she was an independent girl, full of life, and teaching me to live in every corner. She enjoyed my Aries traits too and it seemed like a match made by the interdimensional beings that may be watching over earth in a similar way we control a zoo.
When I checked our chinese compatiblity at the seabus, it wasn't as heavenly. My recent ex is a Monkey that needs constant visual and physical stimulation, she fills quietness with her laughs and is in the look for social gatherings. I'm a Tiger that may be okay with socializing here and there, but prefers to withdraw to the privacy of his tiger den. This compatibly has pros and cons, it requires the Tiger to give attention to the Monkey and the bottom line was that the Monkey needed to understand that for the Tiger, infidelity is intolerable.
I may be wrong in believing that my ex was still in love with her own ex. What I can't deny is that thought of her preferring to spend her days off with her ex rather than with her current boyfriend is a red flag for the Tiger in me. This has lead me down the path of looking into fixing my social anxiety, not for fixing my awkwardness for my exes parties but for feeling this can't be the last Leo I have access to. In Vancouver I meet most of my romantic interests by salsa dancing. My English is not perfect and has a clear limit when people start talking fast. This is a challenge in social gatherings with Canadians and their rough, deprecating sense of humor, that combined with how fast talking happens and my own preference for solitude, makes me a bit of a timid wimp. At the only BBQ we had together, one of the social bad-asses in the party said to me half-jokingly: "you suck at this" while we were playing a game. It triggered my fight / flight mode an I found the first excuse I could to be left alone.
I've been coping with social anxiety by caring less about people's opinion and more about my own well being. This included following the MGTOW message that men are better of on their own. There is lots of truth for me in MGTOW, but even they advocate for becoming a social bad ass. The idea is to approach the world from an abundance mentality, that if these people didn't like me, these other group might just love me. In my case, being socially anxious meant that if my ex's social group didn't like me I was going back to nothing, not so much by choice but because of social anxiety. The stakes were too high.
Being with this girl has shown me that a small part of me craves for human attachment. However small, getting attached to this girl was one of the spiciest, tastiest ingredients of my happiness. In the end, my social anxiety took my lover away, maybe for the better, but I'm not happy I let my shortcomings affect my health. I was getting palpitations, hand numbness, every time my ex informed me she was hanging out with her ex. She is a straight shooter and assured me I had nothing to worry about. That wasn't enough for the Tiger in me. If she was doing this six weeks into the relationship, she would have probably asked for an open relationship further down the road.