Quick side note, I passed 1600 Witness votes. That feels pretty amazing. Thank you for the support that keeps rolling in. It's very challenging to run a large para-volunteer organization like I do. It's exceptionally rewarding, and getting paid as a Witness helps. It's also cool to be able to get new communities off the ground and support them using delegated SP that I earn from being a witness and I'll write up more about that soon. Thanks for your support.
The Work
Yesterday I did "The Work" on a number of less difficult fears that I was facing. You can find the post here: https://steemit.com/thework/@aggroed/the-work-by-katie-byron-applied-by-aggroed
Today, I'm going to work on some questions that are substantially harder for me so you can see what those might look like too.
Disclaimer: It is possible that if you're extremely emotionally fragile and raw to the point where you can't look inward these may not be appropriate activities.
I'm a bad son
My mother was diagnosed with cancer. It progressed. She eventually had it leak into her brain. The cancer in her brain eventually caused her to have a stroke. The stroke led to bleeding in her skull and it looked like it was going to kill her. My brother was in another country leading a trip, which to me looked like he was in complete denial of her death. My father was divorced from her and wasn't really available on this one. I had estranged my wife. I couldn't reach my uncle. It was just me in a hospital, late at night, being asked the question "Do you want us to operate?" and knowing some of my mother's wishes I said "No." I knew full well that would let her die.
Good news. She didn't die that night. She survived the bleeding and the stroke for another month (she was able to die on my father's anniversary with his new wife, which I'm sure she struggled to make happen). But without a doubt it's left with questions/fears like "I'm a bad son" or "I was willing to make a decision I knew would lead to her death. I'm a horrible person."
So, let's break those down.
The 4 Questions
- Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
The 4 questions specific to me and my fears
- Is it true you are a horrible person and a bad son?
Man, well, sometimes it really feels that way, but I guess I'd make a distinction between I've done horrible things, I've hurt people I've loved, and I know I've caused people a lot of harm. At the same time I'm working to make the world a better place, and share love and friendship to the best of my abilities while doing my best to honor values that should reduce harm in the world and specifically harm sourced from me. So, no, it's not true that I'm a horrible person.
I also know that my mom loved me more than any other person on this planet (with possible exception my brother). So, I couldn't have been the worst son ever. Her last conscious act was to share how much she loved my brother and I. I know I hurt her with some of the conversations I had with her, but that doesn't make me a horrible son.
- Can I absolutely know that I'm a horrible person and a bad son?
Technically I can skip this because I figured out on the first pass I'm not a horrible person and a bad son. But it's worth re-emphasizing through the use of absolutes. There's not an absolute gauge for good or bad. You can do bad things and still be ok. You can do good things and still be a bad person. I can say I've done bad things, but I can't absolutely say I'm horrible or a bad son.
- How do I react when when I think I'm a horrible person or bad son? What happens when I have that thought?
When I think I let down my mom, who loved me more than just about any other person I've seen try, I am crestfallen. I feel depressed. I feel like I let someone down who I cared deeply for. It leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable. It leaves me thinking I'm worthless. When I think that I was willing to let my mother die, especially because of how much she loved me, and I let the fear settle in that I'm horrible because of it; it opens up a giant pit of despair in my heart.
- Is it true you are a horrible person and a bad son?
Man, well, sometimes it really feels that way, but I guess I'd make a distinction between I've done horrible things, I've hurt people I've loved, and I know I've caused people a lot of harm. At the same time I'm working to make the world a better place, and share love and friendship to the best of my abilities while doing my best to honor values that should reduce harm in the world and specifically harm sourced from me. So, no, it's not true that I'm a horrible person.
I also know that my mom loved me more than any other person on this planet (with possible exception my brother). So, I couldn't have been the worst son ever. Her last conscious act was to share how much she loved my brother and I. I know I hurt her with some of the conversations I had with her, but that doesn't make me a horrible son.
- Can I absolutely know that I'm a horrible person and a bad son?
Technically I can skip this because I figured out on the first pass I'm not a horrible person and a bad son. But it's worth re-emphasizing through the use of absolutes. There's not an absolute gauge for good or bad. You can do bad things and still be ok. You can do good things and still be a bad person. I can say I've done bad things, but I can't absolutely say I'm horrible or a bad son.
- How do I react when when I think I'm a horrible person or bad son? What happens when I have that thought?
When I think I let down my mom, who loved me more than just about any other person I've seen try, I am crestfallen. I feel depressed. I feel like I let someone down who I cared deeply for. It leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable. It leaves me thinking I'm worthless. When I think that I was willing to let my mother die, especially because of how much she loved me, and I let the fear settle in that I'm horrible because of it; it opens up a giant pit of despair in my heart.
3a. The turnaround. I'm not a horrible person or a bad son.
How do I react when I think I'm not a horrible person or bad son? What happens when I have that thought?
The first thing that happens is my chest expands and the restriction around my heart weakens. I can breath deeper. I feel relieved. I think about how it was my mom's wish that we didn't revive her and I remember that she didn't actually die that night. I stop holding myself accountable for a fear for a thing that didn't happen.
I remember the fact that the very last conscious act she did before she died was to take my hand and my brothers hand and raise them up. She was lying in her hospice bed. We were on either side of her letting her know we loved her, and through her fog of cancer and death, and without the ability to speak she raised my arm and my brother's as high up as she could. That's the the last thing she'd consciously do on this planet and she showed us she loved us. And I was there for that, and I was there for her, and I loved her the best I could at the time.
- Who would I be without that thought (fear)?
I think I can open up to love more freely. I can be loved without the fear that I'll cause the other person harm. I don't have to shrink from facing that anymore because I know I did the best I humanly could and it was enough for her and it was enough for me. I feel stronger, and released.