It was summer of 2010 when I first met him. He was wearing his white shirt, and his faded ripped blue jeans. He was quite shabby in those clothes, but I loved his rugged look. He was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. He was warm like summer and gentle as the first snowfall. And with all the right words, and all the right moves, I fell hard for him as swiftly as the wind.
Everything was great. We were both so in love. Religion, culture, distance -- we conquered them all in the name of love. But, along the way, I had a change of heart. I lost the love of my life!
Before summer of 2010, I was heartbroken, shattered to pieces, somehow lost. Then he came, unexpectedly, and helped me move on. He was the brother of my good friend in MSU, Marawi City. He liked me, ever since. But my eyes were focused on somebody else, I didn't notice him.
Fresh from Japan, where he worked for two years, he reached out to me after he found out that I am single again. He made an effort to contact me through a simple text message saying "hi". Without going into the lovely details, I agreed to meet him after weeks of exchanging messages and phone calls.
His efforts in courting me were commendable. He would travel from Cotabato City for four hours every weekend going to Davao City to see me for a day. And although I already fell for him on our first meeting, I didn’t make it easy for him. It took him two months, eight weekends before I gave him my YES!
My family adored him, they loved him! He was kind and sweet, not just to me but to everyone – my family and friends. He was generous as well, never forgetting to bring something for my family every time he visits home.
But months passed by so quickly, he had to return to Japan to work. Being afraid to be in a long-distance relationship, although we already are, I asked him to stay. And he did.
He tried looking for jobs but he never got the position he wanted. Employers would tell him to start from the bottom, and just work his way up. But he refused so many offers and opted to open a poultry business since he was a BS Agriculture graduate.
At first, things were going well, but because of climate change (unpredictability of weather), and lack of machinery to aid the effects of bad weather conditions, his chickens died due to illness. He then ventured into another business which was a computer and a photocopier shop. It was okay but didn't earn really well.
The weekly meetings turned into monthly meetings, which then turned into once-in-two-months meetings. We could no longer celebrate monthsaries. He couldn't be around anymore when I need him. Most of the time, it was I who would finance everything just so we could see each other. But I didn't mind because I loved him.
But almost two years have passed and nothing changed. I tried to persuade him to find a job since his business wasn't doing really well. So he went to Davao and tried his luck. One month after, he still wasn't able to find a job that would fit his "standards". I was still very supportive of him and respected all of his decisions. But I wasn’t happy.
For more than two years of being together, we never had a big fight. We were okay, but I was not okay. I started to question myself and even blamed myself why he became like that. I felt guilty because it was I who asked him to stay and give up his bright future in Japan. He settled as a photocopier boy, and although it was his own business, it still didn’t feel right knowing his credentials and potentials.
He was the former Supreme Student Government President of his Alma matter, Mindanao State University, Maguindanao Campus. After graduating, he was one of the only 12 Filipinos among hundreds of applicants who were chosen to have training in Japan for Agriculture. The following year, he was given a job in one of the big Agri-companies in Japan.
One of his sisters blamed me why he ended up in that state. I felt really guilty so I convinced him to go back to Japan and reassured him that I’m okay with it. But he stayed; he didn’t want to go away from me. I loved him, I really did. But I knew something was wrong. We were too in love, that we forgot we also need to live. He forgot he also has responsibilities to his family. So I became distant. I became cold. Until I totally lost control. I made a mistake.
I had a change of heart. Painful words were uttered. Irrational actions were taken. Drastic decisions were made. I pushed him away, so far, that when I realized I couldn’t really go on without him, I could no longer take him back.
To him, having me was enough, even if he didn’t have enough of the worldly things. But I was different. And my indifference caused us to fell apart!
Memory blurs, that's the point. If memory didn't blur, you wouldn't have the fools' courage to do things again, that tear you apart. ~Joyce Oates
As I was writing this, Chainsmoker’s “Until You Were Gone” was playing on the background. I paused for a while, listened to the song carefully. There was a line that goes “I’m burning on the inside. And the truth is that I didn't know how good you were until you were gone.” It made me remember all the good things he has done for me, and to my son. He loved me despite all my imperfections, despite my past, and took on the responsibility of being a father to my son as if he was his own.
It has been five years, since that fateful day. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but think back about the time I decided to hurt him so badly. But looking at his smile now, whenever he posts photos of him and his two pretty daughters on Facebook, gives me a relief. After all, maybe I did what was best for him.
If I could turn back time, I still would have chosen to let him go so he can pursue his goals and dreams. I would still want him to live a life full of possibilities and opportunities even if I’m not part of it because that’s what love is all about – being selfless and always wanting the best for the other. But if there was something I can change, I would not have left him in the manner that I did. I wish his last memory of me was a sweet one, but sadly I left him in utter devastation.
I don’t know if I ever cross his mind again, but to me, he will always be my sweetest memory, the best thing I never had!
