Self-discovery leads to the realization that tending to the extremes is both part of me and really not in my best interest at the same time.
I think in that most human beings are the same: We try so hard to will something that we bring about the very result we are trying to avoid. Like an eerie focus of mind that materializes the opposite of what we set out to accomplish.
2020 has been a year of extremes and finding balance in these times does not come easy to me, maybe it's just in the air and I'm feeling what is in the field for all conscious beings to feel and go through. It's elusive and still so close all the time, that the mind can't comprehend it. How can I see something so clearly and not for the life of me make it happen? I feel at times that I squander the opportunities life has given to me while I stubbornly pursue other avenues until I realize I missed another major boat that had even been waiting for me and honking its horn for months ;)
A sense of loss, a sense of inability of the ego construct to force a result it would like. And in realizing it and letting go of this stubborn focus I not only feel better, things start flowing again. Until I forget anew and need ore wet towels slapped into my face to re-realize. The realization just doesn't seem to be permanent enough, it always tends to leave me again. Talk about stubborn!
I wonder how you guys and girls out there are seeing it. Despite the obvious challenging nature of this year on the external do you find you can't accomplish what your mind has deemed as worth pursuing? Or am I just being overdramatic because I can't see the forest for all the trees after biting my teeth out on my ego mission?
Feeling empty inside paired with everything exterior going so well is quite a mindblowing experience in itself. I feel grateful for all I am and all I have access to, I just really hope I will find my inner strength again in the times ahead; for now though strength to allow myself a break before I run off a proverbial cliff entirely. I still live in the mercy of seeing it before it happens, getting away with a few bruises and getting up again.
Or maybe that's just how my ego would like it... to not undergo complete ego death ;)
Where is the ease of flow and what is the lesson in all this right now? I pray to the universe to see it, to come out of this valley stronger than I went in.
Sending all of you lots of love for the final stretch of the year! May we all transform in ways far beyond the limited confines of what our egos thought we should be. <3
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