No Wimps Allowed
We've all encountered those wimpy people who avoid confrontation as much as possible, especially while traveling via air, preferably in a chartered private jet. When this fails to happen due to circumstances beyond our control (more than likely budget reasons), we're forced to use the same methods as all the other plebians who purchased Economy tickets.
A feeling of anxiety envelopes the atmosphere anytime a throng of strangers are traveling to the same destination. Is your neighbor going to talk your ear off? Are you going to be bullied into a fetal position so you can minimize your own personal space? Are you circumnavigating but you can't sleep because of a crying baby?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are being a traveling nancy. Asserting alpha-ness over those beta (or even delta, or Darwin forbid, gamma) humans can make your travel more enjoyable. Here are a few simple tips to showcase your superiority.
Hold Up the Security Line
Dominance begins before you even hop on the plane. When approaching airport security, ignore all the signs indicating you must have your boarding pass and ID ready. These people work for you, indirectly, since you purchased a ticket. They are your employees. Treat them as such and make them wait while you fumble around your bag and hold up the line.
Once you reach the X-Ray machine, wait to remove your belt, watch, electronics, and separate liquids. You can avoid the body scanners by opting for a pat down. If this is done, make sure to stare directly into the eyes of security personnel and to not remove your gaze. Doing so is a sign of weakness. These humans work for you, not the other way around.
Alternatively, you can pull the tried and true method of stating matter-of-factly, the “I can't lift
my arm” routine and avoid both a pat-down and a body scanner, too.
Jump the Line to Make Use of the Overhead Shelf
First off, the airlines never check your boarding group number, except for the distinction between first, business, and economy classes. Beyond that, you should simply walk up to the attendant to scan your ticket and jump on board.
Your uber-menschness becomes even more defined if you bring the largest possible carry-on bags and store both in the overhead bins. Don't feel bad about your superiority if you paid for the privilege of being on the plane early and take some of the shared overhead bin space before second-class citizens. That's the free market at work!
Recline with No Care
If your seat moves back, then you have the obligation to recline. Nothing could be more annoying than a nerd sitting behind you with a laptop with a drink on his tray politely asking you to stop reclining. His acquiescence to the situation that you are imposing on him is only another example of his inferiority.
Let the Kids Run Wild
Are your children running up and down the aisle screaming? Or kicking the back of other
people’s seats? Awesome. You are doing the finest job at teaching them how to be alpha humans. Although, it's not so much nurture, but nature in this case. Best to rebuke passengers complaining by staring them down. If asked by a flight attendant to control your kids, take your time to handle the situation. The longer you wait to “reprimand” your children, the more dominant you are in your position. Make it appear as if you are annoyed with your children as opposed to appeasing the hired help.
Take Up Space
One of the most easily recognizable signs of of alpha-tude is taking up space. The more space you occupy, the more dominant you are.
Since space is a premium on planes, splaying a leg out into the middle of the aisle or an arm into your neighbor’s zone is the perfect way of demonstrating your innate authority.
Be a Chatterbox or Gruffly Ignore Your Neighbor
Depending on your persona, you might want to chat up your neighbor or ignore them. Most people will give a sign of indication of which they would prefer to do. If they want to keep to themselves, and you're both two air masses that have disparate temperatures, feel free to produce wind that flows from you to your new found friend.
Your dominant stance couldn't be more apparent, unless you both are windbags, in which case, your best chance of maintaining any semblance of control is by overpowering the conversation.
Not the talkative type? Best to ignore your neighbor, but not without a proper stare-down that indicates either annoyance or amusement. If you have mastered the artful expression of both simultaneously, have at it!
Get Out of Dodge
Jumping up from your seat, grabbing for your bag and crowding into the aisle the second the plane lands will almost assuredly get you off that metal tube faster than anyone else. Nothing portrays your machismo (or femachismo) more than refusing to wait to leave the air craft even if you have a 4 hour layover. Remember, no one else knows your flight plans, except the most dominant entity, the all-powerful State.
