Everyday is just one big struggle to keep going..he says he loves me but then tells me how much he wishes i didn't exist. I cry inside because i know if i cry in front of him ..he will only tell me to grow up the pain i hold so close to my heart slowing putting pressure. I feel like i can't breathe my kids are right beside me lighting the pain but just enough to make it to another day ....he barely touches me only when he feels up to it...there is always someone else. Carrying our only daughter i feel weak and alone even though i carry her every day ..every hour ...even though i see my kids every day every hour ....why do i feel so alone ...I act like it don't bother me i smile like I'm supposed too ....I live because i have too...but never feel like i want too.