The Vampire Hitman From San Francisco
by Joel Drotts
Chapter Three
A few beers and thirty minutes later, I was walking down Turk Street. While I lived in the
Tenderloin myself, I still hated coming down here. I know a lot of people down here, which is
both a blessing and a curse. Inevitably I always run into some one, who wants me to participate
in whatever scam, con, jack-move, or sale they got going in their pursuit of just a couple bucks. I
couldn’t say I blamed any of them, it’s not like they give us many options down here as far as
work. Even though the big computer companies moved into the area, they didn’t and don’t give
any of those high paying fancy jobs to the locals whose economy they piss all over. Therefore,
the Tenderloin remains a ghetto, year after year, decade after decade, generation after generation.
In fact, the Tenderloin is so ghetto, it started off as a slum, and the way the district got the name
it did was because back in the early 1800’s cops often would get paid partially in food. At least
before California became a state, and it is named after the cut of beef. See the men who patrolled
this neighborhood would get paid the tenderloin cut, as its considered the best cut off the cow, as
thanks for patrolling this rough neighborhood which was cut from the worst cloth.
I was getting close after walking passed the dealers and pimps, who by now had seen my
face around the neighborhood, and know I am friends with people they consider to be important.
I had earned my right to walk in this neighborhood unmolested or fucked with, and those I saw
out that day knew it and knew me. I had had to fight my way into the neighborhood, which
wasn’t easy at all. Imagine being one bald white guy, who actually looks like a skin head. Even
though I hate those Nazi fucks more than the brothers and Latinos out here, because they give
straight up white boy knock around guys a bad image. People may get confused between myself
and those Nazi pricks that live down in the SOMA, and hang out at the Civic Center, which
always makes my life a bit harder. But that’s why we call ourselves knock around guys, because
we’re from the school of hard knocks, getting knocked around by life but always keep getting up.
Half wise guy, half soldier, and are just trying to get along in life the best way we know how.
We’re not gangsters or straight up connected guys, but travel in some of the same circles.
We will fight with just one of us, usually with his back up against a wall, and against greater
odds. A lot of the guys do collections for dealers, are cat burglars, or that sort of thing, the rest of
our income comes from working joints as security, labor on construction jobs, or loading trucks
for moving companies or things like that. Like I said, doing what we can to earn a living,
regardless of what side of the law that has to be on, as we figure we have to eat and pay our bills,
and being 100 percent legal and legit doesn’t always get the job done unfortunately. Maybe if
these fat cat politicians would stop kissing these large corporations asses, and get some good
paying jobs down here things would be different. But hey… what are you going to do? What you
got to do at any given time. That’s the knock around guy mentality. In our neighborhood we
always say, “Hey how ya doing?” The answer is “I can’t complain, because no one would listen
if I did any way.”
No sooner had I finished that thought than I found myself standing in front of a run-down
building, and on the front of it said The Autumn Theater. The windows were painted over, and
the security gate blocked the double door entrance behind it. I tried to see inside with no luck,
which peeked my interest. I had lived here for three years, and never noticed this was a theater.
Who would notice it, the way in was nestled in and amongst a bunch of SRO hotels, boarded up
buildings, liquor stores, and street crime in front. This was the part of San Francisco that is on
nobodies’ radar, and nobody cares about.
31
I looked around for a doorbell or something, to see if someone was inside. I pounded on
the security gate, yelled hello, and stood back to look up at the incredibly large six story building
and noticed that all the windows on the old brick building were painted over in black, and had
iron bars in front of most of them. “That’s weird who is going to try to break into a buildings
sixth floor? Stupid motherfuckers,” I said to myself. Just then the security gates and the double
doors to the theater opened up by themselves. “What the fuck,” I said startled?
“Come in,” a woman’s voice said from behind yet two more closed double doors, which
were just beyond a hardwood floor ten foot long foray. I stood there startled, recalling all Suzy’s
talk of vampires. However, my fears were quickly relieved when the voice said, “Well, are you
coming in or not. We have a real problem keeping the vagrants and users from breaking in here,
and I’m going to close the security doors if you don’t come in.” Quickly noticing the double
doors and security gates were on hydraulic tracks and connected to wires, I laughed to myself
and entered inside.
“Fucking Vampires? Really Joel? There’s no such thing, what are you twelve years old?” I
said to myself, as the security gate and double doors closed behind me. This left me in pitch
black for a couple of seconds, before a pair of double automatic doors, made of thick oak and
closed in front of me, opened up into the main lobby. I was surprised how nice and well lit the
theater-lobby seem, in comparison to the buildings exterior. To my far right was a concession
stand. The concession stand was a large glass counter like at a movie houses, behind it sat a
woman behind the counter, and behind the woman was a TV monitor. I could see on the TV
monitor images of the street outside, which were broadcasted in by several connected cameras
that showed outside of the building, security gates on the street, and the happenings on the street
out front. “Dah…” I said under my breath, turning to face the woman.
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“Hello there, my name is Joel.”
“Hello Joel, my name is Autumn, and welcome to Autumn’s Theater.” The woman said, as
she came around the counter, and walked towards me. I was instantly attracted to the fit brunette,
with her hourglass hips showing in her skin tight jeans. “What can I do for you, Joel,” asked the
attractive brunette, as she put her curly light brown hair back and into a pony tail.
“Well Autumn, I’m not sure, and you may think I am a bit crazy if I tell you.”
“I’m a true vaudevillian honey, why don’t you try me out? I bet it doesn’t sound half way
as crazy as you think it does, and you’re just afraid you’ll look foolish. At the same time, it’s just
me here, and I promise not to tell a soul, if you do end up making an ass of yourself after all.”
Autumn said as she walked up to me, allowing me to see just how beautiful she truly was. She
held out her hand to shake mine, saying “Sorry if my hands are cold, but I was just working in
the freezers in the back moving ice cream to the concession stand.”
Shaking her hand, I said “Wow, ice cold.” She quickly retracted her hand.
“I tried to warn you. Well, now that everyone is friends here. What can I do for you, Joel?”
Autumn repeated with a smile.
“Well Autumn my friend Suzy says she was partying in here last night, and believes she
may have left her purse here. I was hoping you’d be OK with me looking for it, unless you’ve
found it already.”
“Motherfucker!” Autumn said, upset.
“I’m sorry Autumn, did I say something wrong.”
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“No. It’s not you. It’s my stupid brother. See we inherited this place a few years ago
from our Grandparents, and James thinks it’s cute to invite girls back here to party and show off.
Only they spill beer on the stage, and get cigarette burns in the carpets every damned time.”
“I could see why you’d be upset, but as a man I can’t say I blame him. If I just inherited a
six story building with a theater in the ground floor, I’d be showing it off trying to get laid
myself; even if it is in this neighborhood.” I said looking around at the amazing condition of the
inside of the building, in the stark contrast to the outside of the building again.
“Is that so… Well, maybe you two can go chasing skirts together some time. I’m sure
you two idiots will have a grand old time.” Autumn said.
“I’m sorry. Did I offend you?”
“No, I just have a lot to do to get ready for tonight’s shows, and I don’t have time for any
of my idiot brothers hijinks right now….. But yeah, let me show you to the stage.” Autumn said
walking towards a pair of doors that opened up into the theater.
“Niiiicccee PLACE!” I said, giving away my astonishment at the size and grandeur of the
theater and stage.
“Thanks. It is one of the oldest buildings in San Francisco. My great-great-great-who
knows how many greats grandparents James and Autumn purchased the place in 1839, and it’s
been in the family since then. It survived the 1906 earthquake, and is one of the few buildings in
this neighborhood that weren’t leveled to the ground or went up in a blaze in 1906. We have not
registered yet, but if we felt like it we could have it registered as a historic landmark. James and I
just took actual physical possession of the building last year, and we decided to open it back up.
However, our shows are somewhat unorthodox, are only late at night, and for adults only.”
“Sounds naughty,” I said trying to flirt a bit, as I walked up to the stage to see if there was
any visible sign of the blood that would be there if Roxy had been actually being eaten, attacked,
or anything even remotely in line with what Suzy had claimed she witness. However, not
surprisingly the floor was spotless.
“Do you see what you’re looking for?”
“Huh?” I said startled that she knew I was looking for signs of an attack?
“You’re friend’s purse? Do you see it on the stage?” The attractive brunette asked me.
“Oh… Yeah, right… No….No, purse. No anything actually, no cigarette butts, booze
bottles, or anything else that would evidence that a bunch of people were partying here less than
ten hours ago.” I said now facing away from the stage, to get a better look at the entire theater.
“My brother must be getting better at cleaning up his messes then.” Autumn said.
“I guess so…” I said awkwardly chuckling. “So listen my friend that lost her purse,
seems to have also lost our friend Roxy here. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding, but you
wouldn’t have happened to see a girl named Roxy around have you?” I asked Autumn.
“No girl name Roxy was ever here, and you don’t want to find her.” The hot brunette
said to me.
“Oh… You have met her before then. Yeah, I know she can be annoying, and can’t shut
up. All blab… blab…blab…I’m Roxy, pay attention to ME! But none the less our friend Suzy is worried about her, and wants to make sure she got home safe. So where did you see Roxy last?
Last night or today?” I asked again.
“Roxy was never here!” The sexy brunette said, with a confused look on her face.
“Really, because my friend Suzy distinctly remembers coming here with Roxy, and says
she didn’t get drunk until she got here. So she would remember a thing like that.”
“No girl named Roxy was ever here!” The girl said more forcefully again.
“Yes, she was!” I said back with a tone of voice that mimicked the girls.
“I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t happen to belong to the brotherhood of Free and Accept
Masons would you?” The woman asked, changing the subject in an unusual and abrupt manner.
“Don’t apologize… That’s actually quite amazing. How did you know that? I joined back
in 2003.”
“Oh…You just seem like a Trustee?” The woman said to me.
“A Trustee? I have never heard that one.” I said, wondering what kind of crazy conspiracy
theory this chick was about to lay on me.
“You’re a Mason, right? Surely you know the legend of Hyrum MA biff?” She asked me.
“Of course I know the legend of Hyrum MA biff, but I’m not sure what that has to do with
a trust or a trustee? And I studied Masonic literature when I was becoming a Mason, and law as
Juris Doctorate that graduated from law school. I just never heard the trustee thing before.” I said
proudly confident of my knowledge of both Masonry and the Law.
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“Yes, but have you heard the real legend of Hyrum MA biff?” The woman said coldly, and
with a serious inflection in her voice. An inflection that told me I was about to be forced to sit
through this chicks recanting of whatever cockamamie story she picked up on the internet, or had
been told by a crazy uncle of hers who is equally ignorant of the true craft.
“I thought I knew the real legend, as I learned it in lodge. But please share with me what
you believe is the true legend of Hyrum MA biff.” I said rolling my eyes.
“This isn’t a joke, TRUSTEE! You all think you’re so smart, the brotherhood of raised
men.” The pretty woman hissed, as she whipped around and turned her back to me. However, not
before I witnessed the once pretty woman’s face contort into the ugliest expression imaginable,
which I’ve ever seen on any ones face in my entire life…. At least I thought that’s what I saw.
“Hey, look, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to roll my eyes. Go ahead and tell me the legend
you heard.” I said somewhat startled by the hideous look I thought I saw the woman’s face
contort into, feeling half way sorry for pissing off such a hot chick, and now willing to listen.
“The legend I know is this; your Patriarch King Solomon was more than just the wisest
king to ever live. Hyrum Ma Biff was also more than just King Solomon’s master architect.”
“I am afraid to ask what else they were, but I’m feeling sorry for hurting your feelings
honey. So why don’t you tell me what else they were?”
“They were the first vampire slayers.”
“How did I know some how some way vampires were going to come into this?” I said
getting fed up with people talking to me about vampire myths.
37
“What makes you so sure there isn’t evil in this universe that mankind doesn’t see, doesn’t
want to see, or isn’t allowed to see trustee?” The woman asked me, trying to sound more
mysterious then I found her.
“Well….” I said rolling my eyes again.
“Exactly! Are you really so closed minded that you would not want to learn more knowledge
about your own brotherhood?” The woman asked.
“No. You are right… Please continue.” I said with a genuine curiosity this time.
“As I said, they were the first vampire slayers. King Solomon was also a powerful sorcerer
that God saw fit to bless with power, knowledge, and a special ring they say could control
demons; in order that Solomon may combat evil on Earth in the name of God and for the benefit
of mankind. Hyrum Ma Biff was his number one Captain. For years they battled and slayed
thousands of vampires. Their carnage of vampires was of such a scale that even the vampires had
to respect it. However, the two men were mortal, while vampires can’t die as they are already
dead. So the sorcerer devised a plan with his Captain. They would start a secret order under the
guise of a stone mason’s guild, which could and would continue the vampire slaying after their
deaths, which Hyrum Ma Biff would lead until his death.
Once the order was created and they were sure it would last until the last vampire on Earth
was slayed, Hyrum volunteered his soul to be held in trust by Solomon and the order. So
Solomon created three different spells, three different degrees, or three different ceremonies, and
each one gives the initiate Freemason a different power to fight vampires by inviting a small
piece of Hyrum Ma Biff’s soul into every Free Mason to hold in trust by the FreeMason. His soul would return to the whole, and would be relent every time a new Freemason gets raised,
until the last vampire on Earth is slain. Only then may Hyrum’s soul rest eternally.”
“Waaa….ha…ha…ha…ha… Lady I just told you I am a Freemason, and I don’t have any
super powers. That’s the best conspiracy I’ve ever heard.” I said wiping tears of laughter from
my eyes.
“I didn’t say it turned Masons into superheroes, I said it gave them powers to fight
vampires! Have you met any vampire’s trustee?” Autumn hissed.
“No, I can’t say that I have, because vampires aren’t real lady!!”
“If you’ve never met a vampire, then how would you know whether or not you have been
gifted a trusteeship of a part of Hyrum’s soul?”
“Nice… A logic game? I can never know if I have powers until I meet a vampire, and
there’s no such thing as vampires. Therefore, how can I ever say I don’t have powers, unless I
meet a vampire? Good one lady.” I said purposely showing my intelligence.
“Don’t be so sure that you have never met a vampire trustee.”
“What are these powers then, since apparently I possess them?” I asked now playing
along.
“The first of the three spells disguised as a ceremony, grants all Free Masons a mortal
death. Their souls can never be damned to walk the Earth for all time, and they can never be
forced to become the evil they hunt. The second degree or spell makes the Freemasons blood
toxic to the vampires. So should a vampire drink or touch the blood of a freemason it means
instant death to the vampires. The third and final ceremony allows Freemasons to keep their free will, and vampires can’t control their thoughts or will. They are immune to the charms of a
vampire, which vampires use to control humans like sheep. To disobey a vampire’s will, may
bring even the strongest human extreme discomfort. That is if a human can even realize they are
under the mind control of a vampire.” Autumn said in a matter of fact voice.
“Whaaaa…. Ha…Ha…ha…… That was a good one Autumn. Well, I have to take off now.
I’ll leave you to your Twilight Books and theater. If you do see Roxy, can you tell her Joel and
Suzy are looking for her and are worried about her. Can you let me out of here?” I said no longer
able to contain the humor I found in her story about vampires.
“Yes… It’s this way trustee.” She said pointing towards the doors we came through, which
lead into the lobby. As I walked ahead of her, a thought popped into my head.
“So, let me ask you. I noticed this building has six stories to it, do you and your brother
own it all?”
“Yes we do. However we only use the top floor to live on. The rest of the floors are sealed
off of dedicated to a hundred and fifty years’ worth of theater storage.”
“No coffins with women eating vampires up there?” I said jokingly.
“You’re welcome to check if you like.” The woman said in an irritated voice. I took a look
back, and noticed her face had lost the monstrous expression it had earlier. I was relieved as I
was very attracted to the woman, who had to be in her late twenties at the most. However, I’d be
surprised if Autumn was a day over twenty-five.
“Maybe some other time there Autumn. My buzz is wearing off, and between you and me I
have heard too many crazy stories about vampires today.” I said standing in front of the double
doors. I looked over at the woman and said, “Well it was nice to meet you Autumn, and thank
you for the grand tour.”
“No problem Joel, you be safe trustee.” She said as the first doors opened up.
“You be safe as well Autumn. Maybe I’ll see you some other time.” I said walking into the
foray.
“Come see our show tonight at three am if you like.” The woman called behind me, as the
first doors closed, and the front two leading out to the street opened up.
“Maybe I will.” I yelled back as I walked back out to the mid-day street, which was now
fully alive with criminal activities. I looked around, put on my shades, and started to walk home.
As I walked I kept thinking too bad that girl is so crazy, because she’d be quite a catch if she was
sane. “Oh well, what are you gonna do Joel? The last thing you need is another crazy chick in
your life.” I said to myself.
When I got home, Mike had already returned from the hospital and was smoking a bowl.
“Smokey-times?” He said holding up the pipe.
“Most definitely smoky-times, dude. What’d you find out about Suzy?” I said plopping my
tired body down, next to Mike on the couch.
“Oh yeah… That bitch is whacked on like five different drugs, and they’re amazed she’s
even still alive. They’re going to hold her till she sobers up a bit. What about the theater? Any
sign of Roxy?”
“Nope,” I said. “I did meet a hot chick there though.”
41
“Damn-it. I knew you should have taken the whacked out bitch to the hospital.”
“Don’t worry Mike; this bitch was whacked out too.”
“Aren’t they all Joel…? Aren’t they all???” Mike said heading towards his bedroom.
“I am beginning to think so. Anyway, I’m going to try to get some sleep before work.
What time do we start tonight?”
“Ten o’clock and try not to be shit faced this time.” Mike said.
“Blow me!” I said to Mike, as he left the room.
“There’s no money in it, or I just might sexy.”
“Right… Well try not to think of me too much, while you’re jerking off in the masturbation
station.” I called after Mike.
“I’ll try… Get some sleep doosher.”
“You as well, something tells me it’s going to be a long night tonight.” I said as I took a few
more rips from the pipe, had a beer, took a leak, and fell quickly asleep.
Chapter Four
“Can I see some I.D. please,” I said to the group of attractive women dressed in their best
‘Meet a man’ nightclub dresses. “Thank you, enjoy yourselves ladies,” I continued as I
motioned them to enter the night club where Mike and I worked as bouncers.
“Man that is fucking weird… So where’s Roxy at then?” asked the short stocky man in an
English accent.
“SSSShhhh… See, now English Rob cares, because he wants to fuck Roxy….SSSShhh….”
Mike’s voice came in over the ear pieces to our radios.
“SSSShhh…Mike, the radios are for emergencies and coordination of security inside the club,
it’s not a fucking party line,SSSShhh….” English Rob said into his radio.
“SShhhhh… Tell Joel that, his talk button is stuck in the on position again…..SSShhh…”
Mike said laughing. English Rob gave me a slight slap to the back of the head, took my radio off
my belt, held it in front of me so I could see it, and switched my radio to standby.
“Dummy,” English Rob said to me, his English accent somehow making his treatment of me
OK in my head; like he was a stern English drill Sgt. or something in my head. I quickly
switched back to talk.
“SSSShhhh… Mike, so why did you just listen to me tell Rob about this morning and the
theater?...SSShhh.”
“SSSShhh… Because you tell the story better than I do….SSSShhh…”
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“SSSSShhhhh… Will both you clowns knock off the unnecessary radio chatter, and mind the
crowd….SSSShhhh…” English Rob said over his radio to all security in the club, with his thick
accent. I quickly turned my radio to standby. While we are all friends English Rob is officially
head of security, and therefore our boss or immediate supervisor. “Well, all kidding aside I truly
do hope Roxy is alright though mate.” Rob said showing a caring side, I wasn’t aware the tough
old English bulldog possessed.
“Me too, dude.” I said looking down the line of people still waiting to get in. “It’s 1 AM.
Not all these people are going to get in before last call.” I said to English Rob.
“That’s not our concern. We didn’t make them shit for brain, the Almighty did. If they want
to waste their night waiting in our line, making our club look more desirable to the public that is
entirely their concern and none of ours, mate.” Rob said returning to his usual gruff shrewdness,
which made him so effective at his job.
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am, mate. Now, go police those assholes that keep smoking in front, and tell
them we need them ten yards from the entrance per San Francisco night club ordinance.” Rob
said pointing at a group of drunken hipsters we had told repeatedly not to smoke directly in front
of the club. I started down towards the group of drunken hipsters, when a group of gothic styled
hipsters came around the corner. In the front of the group was none other than Roxy herself.
“Roxy…. Hey where you been, we’ve been looking all over for you?” I said in a happily
relieved voice. However, Roxy didn’t acknowledge me or my greeting. In fact, she didn’t even
bother to look my way. I thought I had said my greeting loud enough for her to hear me, and
Roxy and I were good friends. Therefore, for her to ignore me is highly out of character, but I just assumed she didn’t hear me. As her and her group of friends walked towards the door and
English Rob, I noticed the strange way she was dressed, and the fact she was with a large group
of people whom I had never seen her with. In fact, I had never seen any of the people she had
walked to the front of the club with, out in the scene in San Francisco before.
The reason Roxy seemed so strangely dressed to me is because Roxy was dressed in a
hardcore gothic style, in all tight black leather and spandex. She could pull it off, because Roxy
is really hot and has a killer body. However, to see her dressed like that struck me as odd, as she
is always making fun of people who dress in all black claiming they have no fashion sense or
creativity. However, how she was dressed or who her new friends, that I had never seen
anywhere before, was nowhere as odd as the fact that Roxy and her group of ten people, six girls
and four men; as the fact that the group walked right to the front of the line, and straight up to
English Rob. Roxy knows Rob’s policy, and the fact he utterly hates gothic people for some
reason. Not to mention they were in a huge group, and it was almost last call. I thought to myself
this ought to be good. “Watch how fast Rob gives them the business,” I thought and kicks them
to the back of the line.
As I predicted the exchange was very fast, but surprisingly it did not go the way I had
predicted it would go. Instead, English Rob let Roxy and her entire party of ten into the club
instantly, without checking a single ID, and then I heard over the radio “SSShhh…. Yeah, Mike
this party coming in is good, they don’t have to pay the cover…SSSShhh.” from over Rob’s
radio.
“Whoooow… Rob, what’s gotten into you?” I asked Rob, as I retook my position next to
him at the door.
45
“What are you on about now, Mate?” Rob asked me.
“What do you mean, dude. You just let Roxy and ten of her dooshy looking gothic friends
into the club, when we’re at capacity. You didn’t even check a single ID, and then you called out
over the radio and told Mike to let them in for free.” I said still surprised.
“Get off it, mate. I did no such thing. What are you trying to pull? I haven’t let anyone in,
were at capacity for bloody hell!” Rob said to me in a tone and voice that made me understand
that he really didn’t believe me, or remember just allowing eleven gothic dooshers into the club
for free; without checking a single ID.
“Are you OK Rob?”
“Are you OK, mate?” An increasingly annoyed English Rob asked me, immediately in
return.
“Fine…” I said, reaching for my radio. “SSSShhhh.. Hey Mike, did Rob just tell you to let
Roxy and her Goth party of dooshbags in for free? SSShhhh….”
“SSSShhhh…. He told me to let a party in, but it wasn’t a bunch of gothic posers, and
Roxy wasn’t with them. It was a party of ten super-hot chicks. I think he got confused cause one
of them hella looked like Roxy. Hell I thought it was Roxy, but then when they got closer I could
see it wasn’t Roxy. But they were all hot! SSSShhhh….”
“SSShhh… Did you think the guys were hot too, you faggit? SSSShhh” I said giggling to
myself.
“SSSShhhh… What dudes? It was ten of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen in my life.
SSShhh”
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“SSSShhh… Thanks Mike. SSShhh…” I said putting down the radio. “What the fuck is
happening?” I said under my breath, not aware that Rob could hear me.
“I’m not sure, Mate. However, I am bloody well sure I didn’t just let ten of the best
looking women into the club. You two are trying to play some sort of sick practical joke on me,
only Mike is clearly too stoned to remember his lines or part.” Rob said convinced he had out
smarted whatever rouse he believed Mike and I were attempting to pull on him.
“No…No jokes… Rob…. Hey listen man, can I go on break?”
“That’s not a bad idea Mate, and when you come back from your break be ready to work.
I’ll have no more of these shenanigans going on under my charge.”
“Your charge?” I said mockingly in a fake English accent.
“You know what the bloody hell I meant you Mick prick. Stop busting my balls, and go
take your break, ey! Maybe you can go have a dance with Roxy, you prick!” Rob said, as he
checked the counter in his hand confusingly, as if he had noticed he did add ten people to the
clicker counter. “How did you…. Never mind. Just go on break you prick!”
“A dance with Roxy hey? Not a bad plan, if even for my own sanity.”
“Stop talking under your breath to me, and be back in fifteen Joel.”
“Sure thing Rob.” I said taking off my radio. Still confused, and determined to figure out
what the hell was going, I went into the club. I was instantly blind from the darkness, strobe
lights, dance floor lights, and lasers, as they were so different to the bright neon and florescent
lighting out front of F8 Night Club, so named as it is located on the corner of Folsom and Eight
Street in San Francisco.
47
“Couldn’t let me have the chicks, huh?”
“What?”
“You just couldn’t stand that the ten hot ass chicks were checking me out, so you had to
come inside on break yourself, hey?” I heard Mikes voice say, as he turned from a blurred mass
of black clothing, to the friendly face of my roommate wearing security gear, once my eyes
finally adjusted.
“What?”
“The ten chicks that Rob thought were with Roxy, man. They’re in the VIP lounge.”
“How did they swing that?” I said. “There’s only thirty minutes left till closing?”
“Well, I’m not sure. They went to talk to the main manager Mark, and if I had to guess, I’d
have to say it’s because it’s TEN HOT FUCKING CHICKS you moron. How should I know,
what the fuck Mark is thinking. Buuuuut…. They did receive bottle service, and are in the VIP
lounge. You going in, you cock blocker?” Mike asked me in joking tone.
“Yeah…. Hey… You’re positive you didn’t see Roxy with them?” I asked Mike, now
dying to get to the VIP lounge.
“Yeah… I know how you got confused, I did at first to, because one of them looks dead
on like Roxy. In fact, I swore it was her, and was about to say hello. But at the last minute I
realized it wasn’t Roxy. Good thing too, as that would have been hella embarrassing, and those
chicks are hella fine!!!” Mike said to me, as I walked off into the club towards the VIP lounge.
“Ahhhh… Come on stud. No one can embarrass you Mike.”
48
“That’s right!... Hey wait a minute… What does that mean?”
“Don’t think too much about it. I’m heading to the lounge now Mike.”
“Whatever you prick.” And with that Mike went back to his stool, located at a final station
on the other side of the door Rob and I work, and I proceeded towards the VIP lounge. I moved
through the crowd of drinking and dancing people, which populated the main room of the night
club. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck start to stand up straight, as I eagerly yet
cautiously exited the main room and turned down the hall towards the private VIP lounge. I was
determined to figure out what the hell was going on, but at the same time something deep within
me was screaming at me “Turn back, Joel! Who cares! It’s not your business…You don’t want
to get to the bottom of this drama... At the same time how can a group of ten to eleven people
slip past three individuals who are all trained to observe and report, and yet all three of us claim
to see something different?... I’m positive that was Roxy… And where has she been? Who are
those people she’s with? What’s up with her new style? I hope I’m not losing it??? Just turn
back Joel, don’t walk into that VIP lounge… You know there is no way this has a happy ending
for you… Curiosity killed the cat, what do you think it will do to you dumb ass???”
I got so caught up in trying to half-way talk myself into going forward, and half talking
myself out of the current trajectory my day and now night unwittingly seemed to be headed that I
didn’t realize I had ran out of hall way. I found myself standing in front of the private VIP
lounge door, looking in through the glass window which is built into the top half of the door.
“Motherfucker!!!! I knew I shouldn’t have come back here! Now I have to work!!!” I told
myself flinging open the door to the VIP lounge, and stepping through the door like I owned the
entire club! “Hey!!! Meryl Manson, which one of these dip-shits in here with you told you it was a good idea to try to fire-up a fucking joint in my nightclub!?!” I said to a tall skinny, pasty
faced, gothic kid, who was holding a lit marijuana joint between his long boney fingers.
The kid just smirked at me and said, “What joint? You don’t see any joint.” He then
proceeded to take yet another hit, right in front of me.
“Are you fucking kidding me Cheech… Put that fucking joint out, before I take it from you,
and bounce your ass the fuck out of here like you were a check I wrote motherfucker!” I said
trying to use a little self-deprecating humor, so as to counter act the gestaupo styled entry I made
into the cramped VIP Lounge. The kid smoking the joint instantly coughed back out his hit.
However, it wasn’t the harshness of the weed smoke in his lungs that made him cough, as a look
of absolute confusion instantly registered on the pasty pot-smokers face upon hearing my reply.
Looking at me with a look of complete shock still betraying his thoughts to me, the pasty
face pot-smoker again said to me “You don’t see a joint in here.”
“That’s it asshole, you’re fucking smoked! You’re out of here! I’m not in the mood to sit here
and fuck with you, so you can just fucking get the fuck out of my night club! I am all about the
420, but not in my nightclub, where I literally get paid to make sure assholes like you don’t start
treating the club like a fucking Bob Marley concert! Let’s go cupcake, you can walk out on your
own, or get dragged out by me! Let’s go… NOW!!!” I said, as I started to shove passed his
friends to get to him.
“Enough! Robert, put the fucking joint out!”
50
“Roxy… I thought that was you I saw, when you came in. Suzy is worried sick about you.”
I said to the attractive woman dressed in skin tight black clothes. “You know this asshole?” I said
pointing at the pot-smoker, who had quickly extinguished his joint, and hid it away in his pocket.
“Yes, I do. Please don’t kick him out… He’s sorry. We’re all sorry. It won’t happen again! I
promise.” Roxy said, as she maneuvered herself in between me and Robert the pot-smoker.
“Yeah… All right. You’re lucky I’m technically on my break, and want to catch up with my
friend Roxy here dooshbag! I smoke pot myself, but until the laws of California say we can
smoke weed in nightclubs, you won’t be fucking firing up in here, and especially while I’m
getting paid to secure the premises and patrons! Do you copy there Gomer?” I said looking at the
still confused looking gothic kid. Then turning my attention to Roxy, I asked in an excited tone,
“Where the fuck have you been dude? Everyone is worried sick about you!!! Are you OK???”
“Darling… I’m better then OK. I am fabulous. I feel like the world is my oyster, and I could
simply just eat it all up!” Grinning Roxy said, in a somewhat mischievous tone that made the
hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up for some reason. I didn’t have much time to reflect
on Roxy’s obvious double meaning, or why it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up so
straight as I only had a few minutes left on my break. Therefore, I took a real good look around
the VIP Room. I could tell from the nine sets of eyes trained on me, reading with stairs of
confusion and anger that I was still the center of attention. Their stairs were making me semi
uncomfortable, which in turn was beginning to anger me that they could have that effect on me.
“What the fuck are you Goth-freaks staring at?!? What Roxy and I are talking about is
none of your business, so why don’t you mind your own!!!” I yelled at the group of Roxy’s
friends, in an un-needed display of dominance over the group.
51
“Whoooooo…. There, Joel? What is Jen not giving you any at home or something? You
seem a bit wound up there buddy… Are we having a little alpha-male testosterone flare-up, huh
Joel? Did someone make a dummy…? Did someone make a dummy??? Are we having a little
brain fart, from Mr. Big-Bad-Security-Guard, barking at Roxy’s friends??? Is that what’s going
on tough guy?” Roxy said in a voice so condescending and sarcastic, she literally sounded like a
mother asking a child if the child had shit its pants.
“Blow me.” I said, cracking a smile at the gorgeous woman in skin tight black clothing,
and sexual red colored lips; feeling a bit stupid for my needless display of aggression.
“Maybe if you get me drunk enough stud… But isn’t that Jen’s job? Because she’s clearly
not doing a good job of making sure you’re nice and relaxed coming into work here, is she? Why
don’t you let me give you a nice back massage, to relax you before you go back on duty?” Roxy
said in a voice that no straight man could say “No” to. I nodded my head, and Roxy quickly got
behind me by climbing onto the back of the couch we were sitting on. Then placing me directly
between her long seductive legs, Roxy began massaging the back of my neck and shoulders.
“Haven’t you heard? Jen and I broke up a while ago. We barely even talk anymore.” I said
to Roxy, thinking to myself about what Mike had told me earlier that day about my affiliation
with Jen, and how that affiliation could be fouling my chances with better women. “Yeah… I
haven’t seen her in weeks.” I said, knowing I had allowed her to crash on my couch just the night
before.
“Liar….” Roxy whispered in my ear from behind me, as she continued to rub my neck and
shoulders.
52
“No, I’m serious…. You know who I’ve been hanging out with, and have developed a
little crush on is Suzy.” I said, trying to let Roxy know I was in no way spoken for by any
women she knew and considered myself completely single.
“Soooo… That’s who’s been looking for me, heh? Tell me Joel, do you know where she
is at, so I can get in contact with her, and let her know I am ok?” Roxy said, still whispering into
my ear.
“Yeah, she’s at the San Francisco County Hospital, in the detox and loony ward. We took
her there this morning… Well Mike did any way, and they put a 48 hour psyche evaluation and
detox hold on her. She’ll get out after some sleep and some fluids.” I said, still looking around
the small dark lit room that had couches running along all four walls, and a wet-bar stocked full
of chilling Champaign located in the middle of the room.
“Why did you take her to the hospital?” Roxy said, in a voice which was noticeably
devoid of the sound of any true caring, concern, or surprise about Suzy’s fate.
“Because that bitch was way whacked out… You wouldn’t believe the crazy shit she
came into our apartment babbling about at 8am this morning. Dude…. She was high as shit or
something!!! Where were you two last night?” I asked in a nonchalant manner, designed to hide
exactly how bad I wanted the answer to my question.
“Oh… You know… Here and there.” Roxy responded in a tone that lead me to believe
that Roxy was most likely attempting to game me, just as I was attempting to game information
out of her.
53
“What happened exactly? Because Suzy was saying some crazy ass shit about you, and
where you were at last night?” I asked in the manner I believed to be my next best move, in the
psychological game of two opposing intellects probing the other for valued information, while
simultaneously attempting to appear as if the information sought was of little use, value, or
interest.
“Why…? What was she saying?” Roxy asked in a tone of voice that signaled both my
winning of the game her and I had been playing, as well as her blatantly obvious interest in what
Suzy had told Mike and me earlier that day.
“I’m almost embarrassed to tell you, because it’s so out there.”
“Come on Joel…. Don’t be like that… You know I’d never judge you, or think ill of
Suzy for getting over high.” Roxy said, still softly massaging my shoulders.
“OK… So long as you don’t repeat this to ANYONE… But between just you and I…
That silly bitch literally showed up at our pad, trying to tell me and Mike that not only you were
at some theater, but that you were getting eaten by vampires. Can you believe that crazy bitch?” I
said, noticing that Roxy had stopped rubbing my shoulders the moment the word vampires came
out of my mouth. None-the-less, I continued my personal analysis of Suzy’s mental state that
earlier morning to Roxy. “I know… Right… I didn’t mean to upset you…. She’s whacked
right?” I said in an attempt to get Roxy to continue with the massage.
“I see… Vampires… Ey??? Did she mention who these vampires were supposedly?”
Roxy said with a surprisingly high level of stress in her voice, as she once again began rubbing
my shoulders.
54
“Does it fucking matter, Roxy??? Think about it… The whacked out bitch was talking
about fucking vampires, and trying to convince us that these vampires were eating you. What’s
really bad or kind of sad, when you actually stop to think about it is…… I swear to you Roxy,
the crazy bitch actually believed what she was telling us. Like she honestly and literally believed
that she saw you getting eaten by vampires. Moreover, she was all bent out of shape because she
thought she just left you there to get devoured by these monster vampires. Vampires I might add,
had been buying you two drinks only hours earlier. For all I know, the crazy bitch may still
actually believe that she saw you being eaten by vampires. Which is kind of sad, because like I
said… I was kind of sweet on Suzy, so I hope to God she is able to snap out of it. Feel me?... But
can you seriously believe that retarded bitch?... I mean how whacked out did you guys get last
night?” I asked Roxy, by intentionally weaving into my question her prior admission of being
with Suzy the night before, so as to make sure Roxy didn’t try to recant her story, try to back
pedal, or change her admission that she was with Suzy the night before.
“Oh you know me Joel…” Roxy said trying to renew the game she had lost only minutes
earlier, by proffering the vaguest of answers possible to my questions.
“Only too well, Roxy... So what did happen last night? Obviously massive amounts of
drugs, right?” I asked ready to hear a story about two young and wild women, out on the town in
San Francisco, and doing everything and everyone they could get their hands on.
“Who knows what she was going through…? I’d rather not gossip if you don’t mind?
Change the subject. You don’t care what we did last night!” Roxy said in a manner, which
actually sounded as if she were oddly attempting to command me to change the subject, and for
the first time sounding annoyed with my questions.
55
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just that it’s not like Suzy to have that big of a break with
reality… Do you think maybe one of the acting troops you met last night drugged her?” I said
purposely putting words in Roxy’s mouth, to see if I could get her to confirm as much of Suzy’s
story, while trying to get her to divulge more details about the night before.
“Why not ask them yourself. Some of them are right here.” Roxy said as she again quit
rubbing my neck. Instead Roxy grabbed my shoulders, and began to dig her nails into my t-shirt
and flesh.
“Who?” I asked.
“All those you see before you, and everyone in this room except for you!” Roxy said, in
a voice loud enough for the entire room to hear. Upon hearing Roxy’s over-the-top
announcement all those in the room stood up, and were staring menacingly at me. Gone were the
looks of confusion and anger, which were replaced by facial expressions so hideously sinister
that in that dark light of the VIP lounge I could have sworn that their faces had actually mutated
into monstrously ugly facial expressions.
“Yeah… I went by the theater earlier, and met your friend Autumn.” I said, straining my
eyes to see into the dark, to get a better look at the faces of the group of nine or ten people whom
had just gone from sitting down, drinking Champaign, and talking amongst themselves; to
standing on their feet, silent, and staring at me. However, even as I was straining my eyes to see
their faces, their facial expressions looked so hideous to me that the entire group seemed almost
inhuman. However, the largest and oldest looking male of the group stepped forward into a
better lit area of the room, which showed me that my eyes and mind were playing tricks on me in
that dark room. As the big one stepped forward, I could once again see the look of curiousness,
which most of the party had been wearing all night when addressing me.
“How do you know that name Autumn sir?” The 6’4” blond, white, male, who had to
weigh an easy 275lbs., asked me?
“You’re all a part of the Autumn Acting Troop aren’t you guys?” I said, as I stood to my
feet, and pulling from underneath my shirt and attached to my belt a retractable, police issue,
metal baton. “A friend of Roxy and I told me about your troop today, so I went over to your
theater, and I met your boss Autumn earlier this morning.” I said, wondering what this big man
was driving at.
“Liar!” A woman’s voice yelled from amongst the crowd.
“What did you call me bitch?” I said as I extended my baton to its full length of three feet
of military grade cold black steel, and made sure that they all saw me turn the 10” baton into a
three foot club.
“Silence!” The big one growled at the group. The immediate silence from the entire
crowded room made obvious the fact that this big guy was in charge of his group of actors. In
fact, it was so quiet, had I closed my eyes I would have sworn I was alone in the room. I couldn’t
even hear a breath, or them breathing. “You’ve no reason for that weapon. You have no enemies
here Trustee.” The big one said bowing in a theatrical styled hello, which caused the entire troop
of actors and actresses to all bow towards me theatrically in suit.
“What did you just call me?” I asked the big one, whom by now had convinced me that
he was the leader of their group, as I was not exactly sure what he had said.
57
“I called you Trustee. Are you not the Freemason whom did call upon our Autumn
earlier today?” The big one said, staring me straight in the eyes.
“Yeah, that was me.” I said, still wondering what this guy’s game plan was, or if he
even had one.
“Then allow us to reintroduce ourselves… I am James, and we are the Autumn Acting
Troop!!!” He exclaimed, in a voice loud enough to fill two theaters, causing all those in the
room to bow in a theatrical style towards me yet again. “And you are Joel, a Trustee of a part of
the soul of Hyrum MA biff, more commonly known to popular culture as a Free and Accepted
Mason.”
“A Trustee…” I heard the frightened and quivering voice of Roxy say from behind me,
as she quickly crawled from out behind me on the couch-back, walked away from me, and
towards the group of actors and actresses; all of which had now formed a semi-circle behind their
large leader James.
“Great… Yet another over actor with a fetish for Masonic conspiracy theories and
Twilight books, who wants to tell me about vampires again! Not for nothing guys, but I’ve been
hung over since this morning, and if I hear one more lame ass vampires myth I’m going to give
someone some stick time here, based on General Principle alone!” I said, sizing up the distance
to the door out of there, and my chances at security reinforcements getting to me before I caught
a major beat down by the four men in the room, should the situation continue to head in the
direction I believed it to be headed. For some reason the formation of the group behind James
was really making me think I was somehow going to be attacked by not only the men in the
group, but the women as well.
58
“Autumn told me she shared with you the true heritage and purpose of your
brotherhood order, Trustee!” The big one said, as he once again took a seat on one of the couches
that are along all four walls of the VIP room. Once he took a seat, the group that was formed in a
semi-circle behind him broke the intimidating formation. I was glad the group had decided to
stand down and seemed more relaxed, because I was not really thrilled with the notion that I may
have to fight my way out of the room full of people whom had completely weirded me out at that
point.
“She shared some rather creative and imaginative conspiracy theories about the Masonic
Order. However, believe me when I tell you the crap Autumn told me she believes about
Masonry, couldn’t be further from the truth or even reality. No offense bro, but in my opinion
‘Your Autumn’ as you say call her; has watched one too many true blood episodes, and possibly
suffered some sort of serious brain damage. That’s just my opinion, based on the fact that… You
know… She thinks that vampires are real… So, she may be a few beers short of a six pack there
buddy… But you know that’s just if you ask me there… James was it?” I said retracting the
baton, as I too sat back down. All the while I was giving Roxy a look that was meant to convey
every word of “What the hell is wrong with you, and what are you doing siding with these
assholes over me?” Which is exactly what I was thinking, all though I obviously couldn’t say the
thoughts I hoped my look would convey.
One of the other males in the room hissed the question, “Why must we allow such
disrespect to our Queen Autumn, from a mere Trustee?”
“Silence!!!” Then big one snarled in reply at his dissenter, and then continued. “We are
not in our home…. Besides, it’s fine Alexander. The Trustee meant no disrespect to our Queen at
all. He merely has no reason to believe the words of a woman, he only just met for the first time
this morning. The trustee will not believe, what his eyes will not allow to be confirmed; even
when from the lips of someone as fair, honorable, and wise as our Queen Autumn.” James said
as he took a swig from his cocktail, all while keeping his eyes trained on me.
My eyes however were now trained on Roxy, as I couldn’t believe she was playing along
with the bullshit these people were peddling. Going so far as to jump out from behind me, calling
me a Trustee, and joining her new friends on the other side of the room where they sat across
from me. To make things even more weird and awkward, I was pretty sure this group gothic
kooks just referred to that chick Autumn, I had met earlier that morning at the theater, as their
fucking “Queen.” This little trip through crazy land, featuring these dip-shits as my personal
tour-guide, was starting to give me a serious headache, and I wasn’t sure I had enough percocets
in my pocket to cure the headache these losers were bringing on. I had had just about all I could
take for the day, and it was at that point I decided to go ahead at derail the imaginary crazy train
that these dooshbags and their so called “Queen” were trying pull into the station called reality.
“Look, James is it??? You may tell that jerkoff Alexander that if the measure of my respect
of your so called ‘Queen’ now is it? Is my belief in vampires then he’s going to have to wait until
either Hell freezes over, or his goofy looking ass actually gets laid by a chick he doesn’t have to
pay as long as he dresses like a depressed sixteen year-old at the age of thirty! Either way, I
doubt either will ever happen, just like you jerkoffs aren’t going to get me to somehow forget
reality and start believing in vampires, unicorns, and the tooth-fairy. I get you losers that like to
L.A.R.P. get a little too crazy and go too far! And hey, what do I care? You want to remain a
thirty year old virgin, playing kid games, then that’s fine, but don’t try that shit with me. Cause
in the real world Obe-One-Kanobi there is no mind control, you’re not fooling any one, and all
you’re doing is pissing me off. So take your weirdo ass to a nerd convention, to find someone
else to play dungeons and dragons with… Cause I ain’t the one. Roxy you better tell these
dipshits what an asshole I can be, when I feel screwed with.” I said purposely addressing James
well with-in earshot of Alexander. I tactfully did so to let Alexander know, I didn’t feel he was
even worth talking to.
“L. A. R. P.?” James queried of me.
“Yeah… You didn’t think I was hip to that shit did you??? That’s what it is you guys are
doing, right? Talking all that bullshit about vampires and having a queen. You guys are
L.A.R.P.ing… You know; Live Action Role Play… Or whatever the fuck it’s called now. I may
not be a cool, trendy, hipster, actor, rolling around with my posse of dooshbags, and acting like
my shit don’t stink, fooling ourselves into believing I’m an indestructible vampire, because in
real life a little girl could kick my ass, like you assholes! See, I’m a real badass, who is really
sick of your make-believe bullshit, and I got one more for you you fucking nerds. Your make
believe bullshit, will catch you a real world beat-down, with a real trip to a real hospital. This is
reality, and believe it or not I am educated and cultured as well!… I’ve seen and heard a few
things, in the alternative-art scene here in SF. I know what L.A.R.P.ing is, and that is what you
losers are doing!” I said trying to make eye contact with Roxy to no avail. “It wasn’t hard to
figure out; after all you are an acting troop! But you, your sister Autumn… Yes, I know that as
well…” I said winking at James to let him know I had the power of deduction as well as he.
“Your over actor friend Alexander there, and ESPECIALLY your new friend Roxy here really
need to ask peoples permission or ask if they feel like playing along with your lame little
L.A.R.P. vampire game, BEFORE you go all D & D Twilight style on motherfuckers…. Cause
people may get pissed off, and break their REAL boot off in your ‘to cool for school asses!’
Roxy especially should had known I wouldn’t appreciate a trip through Fantasy Ville, with a
group of dooshbags as my guide!!! Was Suzy in on it???” I said now beginning to get angry at
the fact that these LARPing fucks saw fit to screw with me, and waste so much of my day!
“Of course… LARPers. There is no fooling you Joel. We apologize, and you are right…
We should have asked your permission. We believed you’d find it fun. However, what gave us
away?” James asked in a sincere enough voice.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Are you an idiot? Let me think…??? Maybe it was the fact
that you idiots tried to sell me on the idea that there were somehow vampires running around the
City of San Francisco…. Dumb asses! And Roxy… You and I are going to have a serious talk
about respect for other people’s time, privacy, and right to say no to shit like this!!!” I said
standing up.
“Wait… Where are you going Joel? Roxy asked me.
“Well unlike you posers I have to get back to work, because I don’t have time or the
patients to play Halloween in mid-July!” I said purposely allowing my anger to show to the
whole room of actors.
“Wait, Joel. I apologize. Please take these as our way of making the annoyance up to you.”
James said pulling a pair of tickets out of his black coat pocket.
“What are these?” I asked, feeling genuinely better about the prank that they tried to pull on
me.
“They are tickets to tonight’s performance at the Autumn Theater. We go on at 3:33am?
There are always tons of single and intoxicated women at our performances, which I am sure a
man like you would enjoy a bit more than our inappropriate and ill-timed attempt to include you
into our game, without your explicit permission. Moreover, I am sure Autumn will want to
apologize to you her in person as well.” James said.
“Is there even going to be a show, because you guys are still here, and it’s almost 2am?” I
said checking the time.
“Yes, we are the stage crew tonight, and tomorrow we are the stage players. So we have no
makeup or costume to prepare. Please come join us.” James repeated.
“Yeah, Joel…. If you come I will let you spank me for being such a bad girl today. You can
totally give the other ticket to Mike, since we kind of messed with his day as well today.” Roxy
said, succeeding in sounding extremely flirtatious.
“I’ll try. We get off at three.”
“Perfect. It takes you fifteen minutes to get there by walking, and leaves you time for a beer
and a smoke before going in. All these girls will be coming…” Roxy said, trying to sell me on
attending.
“Well here are the tickets, should you decide to attend.” James said handing me the tickets,
as I flipped back on my radio.
“SSSSshhhhh…Joel where the hell are you? I said you could take a break, not be relieved
for the rest of the night mate? SSSssshhhh” Rob said over the radio, his accent being just about
the only part being received by my radio in the far back closed in VIP lounge.
“SSSSsshhh… Yeah, I’m coming right now…SSSSssshhh” I said as I put the tickets in my
pocket, and headed towards the door.
63
“So are you coming?” Roxy yelled behind me, as I bolted out of the VIP room into the
club.
“Yeah… Put me down for a definite maybe I said…” As the door to the lounge closed behind
me, but in my head I told myself “There’s no way in hell I am going to that freak show when I
get off… I am way too tired!”